I'm gonna get me the craziest, strippiest...

No crazy stripper wife of mine is gonna wear a t-shirt. I'll hold the money while you go change into that classy new outfit I bought your ass.

Ah yes, that's my good little whore.

What a fucking week! Further proof that you don't actually need to know what week it is to successfully wager on events of a sporting nature. All it takes is a little know-how, a weed habit, and enough pent up sexuality to fill the up all of the reservoirs from Adamsville to the battlefield. Let's take a look at my unprecedented windfall.

• This started off on Saturday night with a non-football bet (always a good way to go). $50 on Floyd Mayweather to win by knockout at 3.7/1 netted me $185 heading into Sunday's game. You'd have to be either English or retarded to bet on Hatton, or in extreme cases, both.
  
  leave it to those wacky UK dwellers to tilt the odds by dropping 20 million euros/pounds/quid/eel pies on Fat Ricky.
  

• A tidy record of 5-2 in the single bets at $20 a piece (plus an an extra $30 on the Texans) made me feel smart. Like, Asian smart.
  

• To top all of it off I nailed my 3-team parlay like it was Jodie Foster on a pinball machine. That $31 investment resulted in a payoff of $195 .
  

EIGHT UNITS MOUNTAIN FRONT!

Of course this is a new week and my month without masturbation has come finally come to an end. I think there might be something left in the tank, but obviously the money shot has already come and gone. Oh well, let's see what else we can squeeze out of the season...on to the picks!
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The Lucky Number Singles
Risking 45 to win 41 on each game

Cincinnati -9 vs. San Francisco

Want to know how shitty the NFL has become? The Bengals are giving nine fucking points. Can you throw a ten-yard spiral without looking like an effeminate limp-wristed pussy then come on down to the 49ers open tryout! Ah hell, the ferries can come too.

Green Bay -9 vs. San Francisco St. Louis

This time next week the Rams are going to be experimenting with Bernie Lomax under center. He's had fewer drugs in his system than this week's opponent and a tad more brain activity than Gus Frerotte.

Yeah, I love the number nine, and I've been drinking.
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The Road Dog Parlay
ft. Atlanta "We're Pissed and Ecstatic!" Falcons
Risking 25 to win 135

Buffalo +6 vs. Cleveland
Jacksonville +2.5 vs. Pittsburgh
Atlanta +14 vs. Tampa Bay

It'll never happen. Seriously, we're just as likely to see Brett Favre's retirement and Jesus Christ's comeback.
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The I Have No Faith In That Other Parlay Parlay
Risking 60 to win 160

Indianapolis -11 vs. Oakland
Buffalo +6 vs. Cleveland

But I really do like Buffalo for some reason.
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The Other Bet Bet
Risking 50 to win 45.45

Seattle -8 vs. Carolina

Actual Analysis Alert: The Panthers are 1-5 ATS at home. Yeah, and Vinny Testaverde like old and shit!

"He doesn't have a particular injury or anything," [Panthers Coach John] Fox said. "Just the wearing of the game."

Your quarterback is questionable with a case of aging. Doctors fear that it could be terminal.

I'd stick around, but I want to get some sleep before my early morning lingerie money fight.

Who am I kidding? They don't start until I get there.