Last year, the one known as the Maj penned an enlightening piece on who to root for between the Pats and Colts. After some heavy thought and two rounds of bong hits, Maj picked the Pats.
But here we are, one year later, and the choice is no longer quite so clear. These are two really fucking annoying teams, largely because they win a lot and my team does not. There’s only one way to figure out who to root for on Sunday. And that’s to bust out the Pro and Con lists for a special mini-edition of…
Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?
Tony Dungy
Pros:-Nice guy
-Super Bowl champ
-Muy macho
-Best-selling author to sucker Christian readers who’ll buy anything Pastor Walton commands them to
-Supposedly classy, which almost makes me think he’s a closet sexual deviant, which would be cool
-Aerodynamic, pyramid-shaped head
-Goofy ears allow him to hear Rob Morris farting from the 30-yard-line
-Found Randy Moss’ moon mime in Green Bay funny
-Only black man in America who wears pleated Dockers
-Black, but not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin
Cons:
-Mustache lacks thickness of Reid's, wispiness of porn star's
-Came out against hot interracial Owens-on-Sheridan shower banging
-Not a Jake Gyllenhaal fan
-Closeted afficionado of Corn Nuts
-Like Flanders, refuses to buy insurance because he views it as gambling
-Extreme kindness and piety just a cover for the fact that he murdered a hitchhiker back in ’81.
Bill Belichick
Pros:
Cons:
-Asshole
-Seriously, the guy is a fucking asshole
-Refuses to hire Jennifer Beals as sleeve-cutting consultant
-Showers less frequently than Christopher McCandless did or currently does
-Would strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it
-Has broken more arms during intercourse than Rocco Siffredi
-Has raped Brady while quarterback was asleep
-Hates you and your family
-Hates God
-Hates the world
-But loves craisins. Adores them
Two manly men, but they’re no Jack Lord. Personally, I think the Pats win by two touchdowns or more. But what about you? What do you think? QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!
I'll give Dungy the edge for being an ex-NFL player, for not coaching in New England and for not being a giant duche like Belichick.
ReplyDeleteDungy.
ReplyDeleteNo homo.
Dungy may not be a giant douche, but he's definitely a turd sandwich.
ReplyDeleteNo homo for the win Drew.
ReplyDeleteAnd can someone slap Belichick in the face with their dick please? Thanks.
you kind of have to admire belichick because who wouldnt want to get paid a ton to be an asshole and bang milfs all day, but i gotta go with dungy because.... hmmmm shit. i got nothin
ReplyDeleteBDD, thanks for making me look up who C.McCandless was. I'm thinking he was wearing Bad Idea jeans at the time of his death.
ReplyDeleteI did not need to look up who Rocco Siffredi is.
Before he kills your wife he showers her with gifts and rapes her. He's like the Night Stalker but more of a prick.
ReplyDelete"ALL HAIL BELICHICK AND HIS GLORIOUS NEW REGIME!"
ReplyDelete/get ready for our new master or he'll get ready for you!
craisins = construda raisins
ReplyDeleteI root for the Colts but I bet on the Pats.
ReplyDeleteOr whoever the Vikings are playing.
I think it would hilarious if Indy beats the pats but only if they go on to be undefeated. That way the 'hands down' 'best team in NFL history' won't even finish with the best record.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking he was wearing Bad Idea jeans at the time of his death.
ReplyDelete"Sure, I didn't have a condom. But I thought, hey, when am I going to be in Haiti again?"
"Sure, I didn't have a map or food. But I thought, hey, when am I going to be in the wilderness of Alaska again?"
ReplyDeleteHas raped Brady while quarterback was asleep
ReplyDeleteIs it rape if he was only pretending to be asleep?
+1 to Spud for the pic of Shane MacGowan
ReplyDeleteWould strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it
ReplyDeletethat's actually not true. he'd strangle her sans use info as well.
don't be jealous. thats the kind of coach i want. lying, cheating, and stealing (signals) to get my boys a W.
Dungy believes in God.
ReplyDeleteBelichick will gouge out God's eyeballs and skull-fuck him.
Belichick > Dungy
No Drew, Danno (James MacArthur) will book you. Danno.
ReplyDeleteWhich are you going to cheer for - the dickweed that everyone calls a dickweed or the assgoblins who everyone call saints? If you're going to cheer for a douchemuncher you might as well call it a douchemuncher.
ReplyDeleteCan't a giant earthquake hit Indy on Sunday and swallow both teams whole? It solves two problems: gets rid of the shit whole known as Indianoplis and get Belichick closer to where he's going anyhow.
ReplyDeleteis raping brady really a con? that's kinda in the gray area, as in the pro is someone raped brady, the con, belichick's a rapist, pro they both have herpes now,
ReplyDeleteOnly black man in America who wears pleated Dockers
ReplyDeleteNot if Tony Gwynn can find some with a 52 waist. And a boomerang belt.
. . . not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was something only I noticed, and needs further analysis . . .
They fucking shit their pants around Mike Tomlin.
ReplyDeleteColts by double digits. If the Cowboys and Browns can move the ball on the Pats D then the Colts can. Also I don't think they have played a decent defense yet.
ReplyDelete"I don't think they have played a decent defense yet"
ReplyDeleteCould not agree more. Yeah, Dallas and Washington played them with the 3rd and 5th ranked defenses, respectively, but since they both play in the NFC East I say they don't count.
Indy will be the first respectable defense NE lays 50 on.
The 'Skins defense is good, but totally banged up coming into the 52-7 slaughter. The Cowboys...eh...they kinda seem like a weak sister unit that's being hidden by Dallas's offensive ability.
ReplyDeletePats for the win, and Dungy turns to satanic worship to attempt to win the rematch in the AFC CG.