KSK Programming Note For Both Of Our Readers In Columbia, Missouri

A couple weeks ago, we were invited onto "The Closers with Spencer and Jett," a sports talk show on 1400 KFRU. We politely declined, but then they sent the whores, and so we caved. I represented the septet as best I could, and I just finished my pre-recorded interview with Spencer and Jett. It will either make air today or tomorrow on their show, which runs from 4-6 PM local time.

Their website is down, but they have promised us an MP3 in the near future, so all of you can make fun of my nervous falsetto and poor impromptu speaking skills. In all seriousness, they treated this blogger very well and had good questions for me. I look forward to KSK's next appearance on "The Closers."

Update: The interview aired today around 4:30 their time. Spencer delivered and managed to send me the audio MP3. Thanks again to The Closers for letting us promote KSK on their air. And for the whores.

Second Update: The site where I had posted the MP3 is being bitchy. I'll find another way to get it online and link it back to here. Sorry about the wait.

Bears Fans Can Rhyme Quickly

We knew it was just a matter of time before the Remix of the Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle made its way through the womb and showered us with all its literary glory.

The wait is over.

KSK reader/Bears fan Sarah Spain (top, left) graces us with her lyrical genius with her rendition of the shuffle, including ten verses about her favorite players. Unfortunately for most of us, this work does not include references of gay innuendo, anal solicitation, felching, fellatio, space docking, over-developed embryos posing as a quarterback's cranium, studying of amateur pornographic videos for tendencies, insinuation of marijuana smuggling, pedophilia involving troop leaders of the Boy Scouts of America, allusion to group climax on someone's face, gambling advice, Christmas Ape's cat, flatulence, comparisons of a woman's breasts to pancakes, weekly awards in memoriam of dead zookeepers, homerism regarding the Steelers, Vikings, Bengals, Seahawks, Redskins, and/or Raiders.

Nor does it contain kvetches about the Blogger hamster, Katrina jokes, TO suicide jokes, soliloquies of league commissioners' college days, whoring for votes to win an online award, Glengarry Glen Ross references, player interviews inspiring awkwardness measured in units contrary to the metric system, comparisons of quarterbacks to finer wines, episodes of defecation in reusable kitchen storage containers, beer guts, man-dating advice, digs on Bill Simmons, Gregg Easterbrook, Mike Lupica, Peter King, Dr. Z, Joe Buck, Diddy, every head coach in the league except for Mike Tomlin, Jews, Asian-Americans, spaceheaded cheerleaders, African-American analysts who sound like Scooby Doo, Merrill Hoge, Cris Collinsworth, artichoke dip, baseball, the BCS, Jesus, thebigO, the NFL Network, the city of Baltimore, Will Leitch's shampoo, or Kate Mara.

And yet, I still enjoyed it. See for yourself, why don't you?

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick Bukkake: Henry Kissinger!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Next up, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger!

"The Super Bowl? That reminds me of January 1970. We were already secretly bombing Laos AND Cambodia, and Nixon tells me he wants to hit the trifecta and nail Thailand.

"'But why?' I asked him.

"'Why the fuck not?' Dick said.

"So I spent hours begging and pleading with Nixon not to bomb Thailand. Finally, Nixon makes me an offer. We bet on the Super Bowl. This was Super Bowl IV, between the Kansas City Chiefs and Minnesota Vikings. Now, the Vikings were heavily favored in this game. And Nixon offered me the Vikings straight up, giving no points on my end. If the Vikings won, then we wouldn't bomb Thailand. If the Chiefs won, bombs away. It seemed a safe enough bet. So I made it.

"Well, of course, the Vikings were upset by the Chiefs. And Nixon's dancing around the place, taunting me and yelling, 'Wait'll those Jews in the press get a load of this!' He had had an entire bottle of scotch during the game. Although, he also made this same statement before the game as well, so the alcohol didn't really seem to matter.

"Anyway, the next day we sent out four squadrons and dropped over 50,000 kilotons of munitions on a small Thai rice farm town called Pho Met. I'm pretty sure we killed a solid 40,000 women and children, which had Nixon delighted. I also found out, to my own pleasant surprise, that Pho Met was one of the leading producers of counterfeit butter dish cozies in the world. So, in fact, the bombing did help protect our overall economic outlook.

"I personally took a survey of the area after the raid. A young farm woman came up to me with third degree burns all over her body, screaming at me, "WHY???!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!" Of course, I calmly explained to her that she would need many doctorates in both political science and international relations to understand the complexity behind such a decision.

"Then, I slapped the shit out of her. Right on the burn. It felt appropriate.

"Oh, and in the Super Bowl, my prediction is Colts 47, Bears 13. Although I do like the way that Rex Grossman throws the football. He reminds of Nixon in a way."

Thanks, Mister Secretary! More picks from the stars on the way!

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick Bukkake: Isaiah Washington!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! First up, Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington!

"Well, I guess I'd like to start off by admitting that I did, in fact, have a small dust-up with my costar T.R. McKnight on the set a few weeks ago. I used some language I'm not proud of, and I regret that. But I did not call T.R. a faggot, as has been widely reported. Never happened. Though I did just use the word faggot while denying that I said the word faggot, so I would like to apologize for using the word faggot in that context.

I just realized that I, in fact, used the word faggot three times while apologizing for using the word faggot to deny that I used the word faggot, and I'd like to apologize now for using the word faggot so often during the course of my apology/denial.

I've just been told by my publicist that I have just used the word faggot a whopping four times while apologizing for using the word faggot three times while apologizing for using the word faggot one time while insisting that I used the word faggot no times. I am apparently digging myself into a terrible hole that I have absolutely no chance of recovering from, and so I think I will go home now. I clearly have some soul-searching to do. So I'm gonna go lay down, maybe throw a few faggots on the hearth, and meditate by a roaring fire.

Of course, by faggot there, I meant, 'a bundle of sticks, twigs, or branches bound together and used as fuel, a fascine, a torch, etc.' I swear. It's in the dictionary. I'm not making that up.

I've just been told by my publicist that no one uses the word faggot in that way any more, and that I'm really just piling on now. My publicist has also just let me go, as has my agent, my manager, and my homosexual accountant. So I think that I'm going to just quit while I'm ahead and hang myself in my basement.

Oh, and in the Super Bowl, my prediction is Bears 31, Faggots 14. Colts! I meant Colts! Fuck!"

Thanks, Isaiah! More picks from the stars on the way!

NFC Championship Chat: 1st Half

Hello, readers. Once again members of the KSK Gay Mafia stayed home on Sunday, computers at the ready, to share thoughts with each other during an epic 7-hour chat on AOL Instant Messenger.

Because the final transcript of the two games was 42 pages in MS Word, the chat posts will be broken up over the span of multiple days, which will give me more time to edit out the long swaths of unfunny statements and leave in quality analysis like, "the Saints are very much going to win this game."

If it seems like we ignored certain chunks of the game, it's either because nobody said anything interesting during that span, or because we were bad-mouthing the Asians. Again.

Monday Morning Punter: Are you rooting for the Saints?
Captain Caveman: Yeah -- I'm of the school of thought that you root against the team that put yours out of the playoffs.
MMP: I love that Southwest commercial, it's like a zoo escapes from that guy's house.
CC: Me too. It's the polar opposite of the fucking Wendy's commercial
CC: "$2.99"
MMP: Yeah, where have you gone, Dave Thomas?
MMP: Oh yeah, you died.

Nobody would ever buy a fucking tiny meal for $2.99! Nobody! I don't care if it's hyperbole!
CC: Like if there was such thing as a bite-size burger you'd eat it in tiny bites?
MMP: No, I would devour it while jogging.
CC: Tony Siragusa could literally inhale it and process it with his lungs.
MMP: And I don't like the shitty Wendy's whistle.
CC: I was JUST about to say that.
Christmas Ape: Yeah, it's incredibly grating.
CC: Unless Devin Hester returns three TDS, the Saints are very much going to win this game.
MMP: Yeah, I can't count on Rex to march them down the field.
MMP: The lower the score the more I like da Bears.
Ape: Da Bears...tree tenths of a point, Saints....two-tenths.

[On 3rd and 4, Brees gets sacked and fumbles, setting up 4th and 29]
MMP: Wow
CC: 4th and 60
Ape: GO FOR IT
MMP: Jim Tressel leaves the first team offense on the field.
CC: Needed "Yakety Sax" on that one.
MMP: The net on that punt did not clear the first down marker.
MMP: I thought Rex was the one that was supposed to fuck up.
[Back to commercial]
CC: What does the Rock 'em Sock 'em robot have against the truck anyway? And couldn't it have ducked going out the door?
MMP: He's a Crip. Just ask our resident gang expert Rush Limbaugh.
Ape: When will Dodge Ram take on Hungry Hungry Hippos? Battleship?

[On 2nd and 9, Grossman goes deep to Berrian, where it's nearly picked off.]
CC: THROWGASM!
MMP: Sexy Rexy dodges bullet no. 1.
CC: Just a laser aimed for Saturn.
MMP: ...And how better to follow that than a Mushin Muhammad drop?
MMP: 3 and out again
CC: It's up to the Bears D to score.

MMP: If you had to live in Chicago or New Orleans, where would you go?
CC: Guhhhhhh... Chicago?
MMP: Me too, I think.
CC: But only because I fucking hate hot, humid summers. I can handle cold weather.
Ape: Hot, humid summer is all I know - curse you D.C. swampland.
MMP: "And God doesn't seem to hate Chicago as much."
Ape: God doesn't hate Chicago as much? Ms. O'Leary's cow would like to have a word with you.

[Colston stripped for another Saints fumble; Vasher returns it to the outskirts of FG territory]
Ape: Good Lord.
CC: Jesus Christ, Saints.
MMP: Colston showing bad hands for a fantasy TE.
CC: Is the shoddy footing forcing all these fumbles?
MMP: Yeah, this is why they don't pick up the puck in hockey.
CC: Too bad the Bears blew their scoring opportunity. Now the offense is on the field.
[End-around by Rashid Davis on 3rd and 3 results in the Bears' first first down -- only took 11 minutes.]
Ape: End-arounds for some, miniature flags for others.
MMP: There was a hold there.
CC: The Saints weakness has been exposed: they start three white linebackers.

MMP: Matt Hasselbeck is sacked by the Burger King.
CC: I don't buy that for a second. Mack Strong is great on blitz pickup.
Ape: King should get flagged for excessive celebration.
[The Bears decide to go for it on 4th and 1 from the 4...]
Ape: End-around, I'm calling it.
MMP: Wow, gutsy call, but they got it.
CC: Gutsy = not intelligent... but yeah, it worked.
MMP: I didn't see that Rexy tried to call timeout again.
[First and goal, and Grossman egregiously overthrows an open Desmond Clark in the end zone]
Ape: Fuck It, I'm Going Deep (at the 1)
MMP: Benson stuffed on 2nd down like a pita pocket.
[Third and goal from the 1 -- another Grossman incompletion]
CC: Has Rexy completed a pass yet?
MMP: Just one.
CC: GO FOR IT AGAIN.
Ape: "And Kyle Orton is applying the space heater to the neckbeard on the sideline."

[And the Saints fumble away the opening kickoff.]
Ape: He's down.
CC: WTF Saints.
MMP: Another fumble, but yeah, he was down.
Ape: TERRIBLE call.
MMP: Challenge this.
MMP: Oh fuck, he is SO down.
MMP: Shut up, Troy, he was down.
MMP: Awesome, another TV timeout.
MMP: WOW, ruling stands!
Ape: Wow, just wow.
MMP: The NFL doesn't care about black people.
CC: MMP, dude, Troy Aikman was right, and you were wrong.
CC: Think about that for a while.
CC: ...Too bad the Bears will only come away with three here.

[end of first quarter: Bears 3, Saints 0]

flub: I was putting together a CD rack and trying to download AIM; I paused the game. I was about 5 minutes behind. caught up now.
MMP: nice
flub: Poor time management skills today.
MMP: We have a quorum now.
Ape: Falco has veto power.
[We discuss flubby's AIM screen name, which has the auspicious Roman numeral CDXX]
Ape: Picks for Super Bowl CDXX? I'm saying Cyborgs vs. Servant Apes.
MMP: Cyborgs -7
MMP: Take the points.
flub: Radioactive Zombies got screwed.
[More CDXX discussion]
Ape: I don't smoke that often. UM trumps me easily in that department.
CC: UM trumps the Marley family.
flub: UM > Cypress Hill

[Following the Bears FG, the Saints have a penalty, an incomplete pass, and a 1-yard run by Bush to set up third and long. ]
MMP: The Saints are pressing.
Ape: I think we have another Ravens/Colts game on our hands.
Ape: 3rd and 19? END-AROUND
CC: Hook and ladder.
MMP: Chitown again with the short field.
CC: Not short enough.
MMP: this will be 30-0, with 10 field goals
CC: Brilliant move by the Saints. They know Rex needs a LONG field to throw deep.

[Commercial break. In case you were wondering, it's still our country. After, on 2nd and 10 from midfield, Grossman chucks it deep to Clark, who hauls it in for a 30-yard gain.]
Ape: Okay, so, 9-0.
CC: "His best throw of the day" -- Aikman
CC: How about his ONLY good throw?
CC: If the Saints offense doesn't give the D a rest, the Bears'll start scoring TDs instead of FGs.
[Grossman goes back to overthrowing receivers in the red zone.]
MMP: He even overthrew the other team.
CC: He overthrew the first couple rows of fans.
CC: My recommendation to the Saints: begin scoring.
MMP: Injure Robbie Gould.

[Following a Saints punt that gives the Bears a long field, another commercial break]
MMP: 300?
CC: Fuck and yes.
MMP: Looks a little too pretty, but I will see it.
CC: Two words: Frank Miller.
MMP: Sold.
CC: It's based on his graphic novel, which is based on a true story:
Ape: I've only read his Batman stuff.
CC: 300 Spartans sent on a one-way mission to guard against something like 20,000 in the Persian armies.
MMP: Shit.
MMP: They win, I'm sure.
CC: And they held the pass for something like five days.
MMP: Fuuuuck.
CC: Highly recommended: Steven Pressfield's Gates of Fire, a historical novel of the battle.
CC: Anyway, football.
MMP: Fuck, now I'm interested.

[Thomas Jones picks up a block and makes a nice cut to go for 33 yards.]
MMP: Way to bounce that fucker.
CC: I'm telling you: white linebackers.
Ape: Is it Thermopylae? I always seem to hear about that one.
MMP: Saints are still playing 7 in the box. Do they really think Rex is going to throw it?
CC: Yes, Thermopylae -- Greek for "gates of fire."
MMP: 1st and goal.
CC: Is it just me, or is this game starting to get boring and repetitive?
Ape: 12-0.
MMP: I am definitely seeing a pattern.
flub: They are running all over the Saints.
Ape: No Throwgasms, but plenty of Handoffjobs.

[Holy crap, a touchdown! Two minutes left in the half, Bears lead 16-0.]
CC: Way to not be the Colts against Ravens!
Ape: Yeah, this is much better.
CC: 2 minutes for Brees & Co, 1 timeout.
MMP: Three and out... or a pick.
flub: Fumble.
CC: I think Brees'll keep it together, though I can't say anything for the rest of the team.

[Brees drops back on 3rd and 10, and throws deep over the middle to Colston.]
MMP: And now the 3-and-out.
MMP: Or not... that was clutch.
CC: Colston finally made a play.
CC: That was a really fucking sweet catch.
flub: That catch was sick.
CC: Great blitz pickup by Bush there.
Ape: I saw that, he threw himself into that block.
CC: Wow, we just did some analysis that the booth missed.
[Terrence Copper gets out of bounds after a 14-yard pickup on 3rd and 10.]
Ape: Mmmmyeeahhh, nice catch, myah dirty Copper.
CC: Nice step-up by Brees there to avoid the rush.
[Next play: Marques Colston TD catch.]
Ape: If New Orleans actually decides to put eight in the box, they'll be fine in the second half.
CC: 8 in the box, 2 CBs, and a safety 50 yards downfield.
MMP: The throwgasm prevent.

[Following the kickoff, Grossman makes an inexplicable series of decisions, capped off by him throwing a moonshot out of bounds to stop the clock.]
Ape: Zzzuuhh?
CC: Nice throw Rexy.
MMP: What the fuck is he doing?
CC: He's a dumb, dumb animal.
MMP: He could be shaving points and no one would know it. He's that awesome.
CC: He's the Zoolander of QBs.

HALFTIME!!!

Note: If you want less game discussion and more commercial/movie discussion (or vice versa), let us know in the comments so we can make it better next time.

Bengals Already In Midseason Form

Yeah, so the Bengals were pretty pissed about their 8-8 record this past campaign (eight player arrests in eight months, that is). Already, they're looking to atone, but you've got to go that extra mile and do what it takes to be number one. And CB Johnathan Joseph is number one. Arrest number one, as Joseph was caught with pot while in the car of a female acquaintance.

This is what separates the Bengals from the rest of the league. Did dude try to hide it in a makeshift water bottle compartment? Hell 2 da naw. He had it in a backpack, which the cop managed to smell once he pulled over the vehicle. That's right. And, oh yeah, the driver? She was driving UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT while WEAVING OVER THE CENTER LINE. AND she had a suspended license.

That's how we roll in the 'nati, motherfucker!

The Most Important Game In the History of the World

Note: I'm aware that my picks were bent over and violated yesterday while the ESPN experts were up to the task. This once again proves that I'm a dumbass and you shouldn't take anything I say seriously (except for this sentence...seriously).

In two weeks the future of the world will be at stake. I question the sanity of anyone who can even bother with next week's State of the Union; war is hell, but hell is other people--people like Peyton Manning. Yeah the world's in a fragile state right now, but just imagine the horror of a world in which Peyton Manning is a champion. If you want to understand the potential fallout of that occurrence I urge you to watch the FOX network's special one hour preview this evening.

In the meantime I'll be praying to every God listed on Wikipedia for the Chicago Bears and their glorious quarterback. Right now I love the Bears nearly as I much as I love Gilbert Arenas (and I want his babies). The only possible way to explain my newfound love for the giant killers of the Midwest is through the majesty of YouTube.

Hi! I'm Peyton Manning, And You Can Go F--k Yourself

Hello! I'm Peyton Manning, quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, and I have a special message for all of you out there that don't like me:

Go fuck yourself.

Fuck you long and hard and with the depth of a thousand oceans. Fuck you sideways. Fuck you upside down. Fuck you hanging from a jungle gym. Fuck you in. Fuck you out. Fuck you with a snow shovel.

I'd also like to extend this message out to all you New Englanders out there. Fuck you. Fuck your weather. Fuck your stupid accent. Fuck your goatee. It looks idiotic. And FUCK Boston. Fuck your shitty traffic. Fuck all your elite college students, half of whom end up becoming ski instructors. Fuck Storrow Drive. Fuck the Red Sox. Take your little Red Sox hat, wedge the brim up nice and tight, and shove right up your ass. Fuck the Big Dig. No one else cares how long it took, you whiny bitches. Fuck Matt Damon. Fuck Dennis Leary. Fuck Logan. Fuck you people bitching about Logan.

In fact, fuck all the little town in Massachusetts that no one cares about. Oh, you're from Natick? Well, fuck Natick. Fuck Winchest-ah. Fuck Reve-ah. Fuck Scituate. Fuck them all. Fuck your old colonial houses. Fuck your foliage. Fuck your lobster. And fuck all the surrounding states. Fuck Vermont. All you assholes make is syrup. Fuck Maine. Fuck LL Bean AND Poland Spring. Fuck Connecticut, because while you have lovely rural areas, your cities are crime-infested shit stains on the face of the Earth. Fuck Rhode Island. Fuck Brown. Fuck people from Newport who like to sail. I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence. Fuck New Hampshire. Live free or die? I'll take the latter for you dipshits.

Fuck you, Bill Simmons. Oh, you like the Manning Face? Is that the face I make when I fuck your team like a convict fresh outta prison? Hope you liked it. And fuck you, Boomer Esiason. Guess who's not his generation's Dan Marino anymore? Know who my generation's Boomer Esiason is? Jake fucking Delhomme. So go get fucked.

And fuck American Express (MasterCard fucking rules.)

Oh, and fuck you, blogosphere. What, you think I'd forget about you? Fuck Deadspin. And fuck you too, Kissing Suzy Kolber. Oh, you think you're exempt? Think you're just making funny little dick jokes? Take your dick jokes, go into a corner, and stick them up your urethra. Fuck you, Big Daddy Drew, you big masturbating motherfucker. Fuck you, Captain Caveman, nee Matt Ufford. You say you have sex with all the ladies, but I know damn well you have more beards than a playoff hockey team. Fuck you, Monday Morning Punter. You're from fucking OHIO. Fuck you, Unsilent Majority. Nice screen name, douchebag. Unsilent isn't even a word.

Fuck you Falco, even if you're dead. Fuck you, Ape. Nice MS Paint skills, you fucking kindergartener. And fuck you, flubby. I hated that Robin Williams movie about you. You fucking suck.

Again, fuck you all. I know all of you said I was a choker. Well, guess what you can all choke on? My enormous cock. That's right. It's true. We all know any guy with a goofy face is hung like a goddamn Genoa salami. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna open up my fly and drag mine around the room for a bit. Because all of you can kiss my enormous white pasty ass. I fucking won, and you fucking didn't. It's a new era, bitches. You get to deal with Bitter Peyton now. Hope you like the taste of my balls, douchebags. Because you'll be sucking on them for a while.

I'm gonna go have a beer and bang my hotass wife. I fully expect you to be fucking yourself when I get back.

Mort: Vick did not try to ruin career over $7 worth of shake

Over at ESPN.com, Mort's source tells him Mike Vick will be "exonerated" in the Miami airport imbroglio. Does this mean that authorities will announce that Vick's James Bond edition Aquafina bottle contained no contraband? If so, that still wouldn't explain why Vick was carrying a bottle-safe with ashy residue surreptitiously stowed away. I foresee the word "misunderstanding" being bandied about in the near future.

All of this is a thinly-veiled pretext to show this glorious fruit of the bountiful YouTube tree. I saw this on TV early Sunday morning, but didn't realize it was online until I saw it on Card Chronicle today. Enjoy.

Hey, No One Called Me To Tell Me They Felt Sorry For Me!

I guess we just live in an era where everyone is a cynic and everything sucks. I guess no one appreciates sports on the level that I do. Well, that's just sad.

Well, I'm going to just keep doing what I love doing: watching reality TV shows for 15-year-old girls and criticizing every black general manager in the NBA.