It Could be a Fractured Ulna, I'm Afraid You Forfeit: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

AFC 6th Seed -- Tennessee Titans (10-6)

Gentlemen, I'm well aware that we are trying to qualify for the playoffs tonight, but I'm going to have to excuse myself for a moment. My quad is feeling a tad lugubrious this evening. I may have aggravated it ever so slightly yesterday at my salsa dancing class. Allow me to beg off for a few minutes. Don't worry though, I shall pass the time in my period of serious injury by engaging in a series of vigorous calisthenics here on the sideline. First... ten Iroquois Twists, one hi-yi-yi... two-hi-yi-yi.... I beg your pardon? You are requesting my presence in the locker room for further medical care? No need for a wheelchair my good man, though severely injured I will gamely make that journey under my own power. Steady, steady....

[sprints to locker room in 5.9 seconds]

It appears that despite the dedicated ministrations of our able medical staff, my affliction persists unabated. O, cruel fate! I fear my playing days may be through. Let's return to the field so I may observe firsthand Mister Collins' performance in my stead.

[sprints back to field in two shakes of a lamb's tail]

It appears that under the besotted stewardship of Kerry Collins victory is assured. Huzzah, good sirrah! Don't let the soup-line quality stubble and roguish sobriquet of "Cocktail Kerry" deceive you, this chap knows his way around the gridiron. I will celebrate our good fortune by spending the final four minutes of the games on the stationary bike recreating my recent journey down the bucolic Rappahannock Trail.

[pedals furiously for 30 minutes straight]

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke – Tennessee Titans

The Amber Alert was issued shortly after this picture was taken.

Fast facts about the Tennessee Titans

Vince Young has a rose tattoo for each special woman in his life. He also has a corndog tattoo for every teammate he sucker-punches in training camp. (Seriously dawg, sticking up for a valued teammate is one thing, risking your season over a spare like Courtney Roby is just dumb).

Bud Adams was close to firing coach Jeff Fisher after last season, but changed his mind when Fisher agreed to grow a beard and pretend to be Wolfman Jack for a week.

The bad news for Titans fans: your team lost their leading rusher and receiver from last season. The good news: it was only Drew “Sweater Boy” Bennett and the Travis “Sperminator” Henry.

Run-stopper Corey Simon makes his return to the NFL after missing all of last season. Alas, Corey didn’t spend the year off thinking of a tougher sounding name. “Corey Simon” sounds like a seminary student. Let me throw out a couple of suggestions on the house… Ropecock Jenkins and Gumbercules McBallcrusher.

Once again, Rob Bironas (Louisville Trinity High) will handle place-kicking duties for the Titans. But some, including BradyFan83, long for the days when Joe Nedney was the man in Nashvegas:

Hat tip to Fanhouse and MDS. Definitely not the worst sports blogger ever.

Take it from someone who has Titans’ football foisted on them regularly via the scourge that is regional coverage: this is one dull football team. We’re talking “Scrubs” dull. Morrissey dull. The only thing saving this team from being an unwatchable snoozefest is Vince Young. Titans fans should get down on their hands and knees and thank the invisible man in the sky of their choosing for Vince Young. Do you know what Titans football would be without Vince Young? Fucking Vandy football on Sundays, that’s what. And nobody wants that.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.