Big Sean Goes To The Market

Boss: Oh, man. We’re understaffed for the evening again. Judy, I’m afraid you’re going to have to work a double shift.

Judy: But Mr. Franklin, I already promised my sister I’d look after her kid so she can go work her OWN night shift. I can’t do it tonight.

Boss: Well, this puts us in a real bind. I mean, unless someone walks through that door right now with a sterling employment application, I’m gonna have to call back Tina or Charlie.

(door flies open)


Big Sean: Ha ha. I tell you what right now. I am liking the raw POTENTIAL of this Boston Market.

Boss: Who are you?

Big Sean: Ha ha. Two words, okay? BIG. SEAN. I’m Big Sean, and this is my associate Little Sean.

Little Sean: SMELL FOOD! WOMAN!

Boss: Oh my God! Is that your penis?

Big Sean: Ha ha. I’ll tell you what. When I look at a restaurant like Boston Market, I see chicken. Okay? I know a lotta people say, “Well, they’ve got meatloaf.” Uh uh. This menu is all about CHICKEN. What kind of chicken do you have here? Delicious chicken, that’s what.

(throws the boss an employment application)

Big Sean: Lotta room to grow here. Lotta room for Big Sean to grow. And if that young lady over there sticks around, plenty of room for Little Sean to grow as well.

Little Sean: ONE EYE SEE GIRL!

Boss: Well, I mean, what are your credentials?

Big Sean: Ha ha. Four letters, okay? E-S-P-N. This is the best network in sports, okay? I know a lot of people say, “Hey, FOX isn’t bad!” Uh uh. Not gonna happen this go round. Let me tell you about your sneeze guard. HOO BOY, it is dirty. I mean, it looks like Little Sean here gleeked all over it.

Little Sean: RUB CLEAR PLASTIC!

Boss: Well, I’m very skeptical. You just walked in off the street. And you have your penis out. I’m not even sure that’s in accordance with health codes.

Big Sean: Ha ha. I tell you what, Manager Boy. You get me behind that glass? And you let ME scoop out mashed potatoes to customers? And you see that line goin’ out the door? (playfully punches his shoulder) My oh my, you are gonna be dancing in the streets.

Boss: Where, did you go to college?

Big Sean: Ha ha. Three words, buddy: UNIVERSITY. OF. SOUTHERN. CALIFORNIA. Now I know a lotta people say, “Hey, that’s FOUR words!” Uh uh. When you abbreviate it? And you take out that “of” there? You got yourself a three-word school right there.

Little Sean: SWEATER PULLED TAUT!

Boss: Okay, okay. I guess this can work. Let’s try you behind the counter.

(one hour later)


Big Sean: Welcome to Boston Market. May I take your order?

Customer: Yeah, I’ll have…

Big Sean: Ha ha. I’m gonna tell you something RIGHT NOW: This is all about Pastry Top Chicken Pot Pie.

Customer: What?

Big Sean: Ha ha. When I look at a customer like you, what you need to have is a strong pot pie. Okay? It’s got the light and flaky top, then it hits you up with chicken and vegetables on the inside. When you get that combination going? With the chicken and the pastry? That is TOUGH to stop. Who’s gonna turn that down? No one, that’s who.

Customer: Actually, I wanted the roasted turkey breast.

Big Sean: Nuh uh. Not gonna happen. Know why? Because you aren’t built for that kind of meal. That turkey’s gonna go right through you. You’ll be shitting pure hydrochloric acid in an hour.

Little Sean: ANAL JELLY BEANS!

Customer: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Big Sean: I’m Big Sean, and this is my associate Little Sean.

(Customer runs off)

Boss: You just scared off another customer, Salisbury. I’m sorry, but I have to fire you.

Big Sean: Ha ha. Doesn’t matter, Manager Boy. There’s just not a lotta room to grow here. Now a lot of people said, “Hey! There’s a lot of room to grow there!” Uh uh. Didn’t happen. Okay? When you get into a situation like this, there’s a ceiling you’re going to hit. AND YOU CANNOT GO BEYOND THAT POINT. Just stop right now, ‘cause it ain’t happenin’.

Little Sean: UNDERWEAR CATCH BIG DRIBBLE!

Boss: I think I’d like you to leave.

Big Sean: Ha ha. One thing about Big Sean: YOU NEVER COUNT HIM OUT. Okay? He’s gonna get stronger as this whole thing goes on. Right, Little Sean?

Little Sean: LIKE GUSHY VELVET!