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Tiger Shark Destroys Turtle - Watch more free videos

As you probably already know, it’s Shark Week this week, and thank God for that, because there ain’t shit else on TV this month. I just wish they’d stop trying to make every shark-related special educational. Is there a more overly researched animal in the universe than the shark? Listen, there’s only so much we can learn from sharks. I’m pretty sure over $2 billion in federal grant research has been spent on studying sharks, and that they’ve only learned three things:

1. Sharks never sleep
2. Sometimes sharks feel like eating humans, and sometimes they do not
3. Sharks are fucking badass

That’s it, really. There isn’t much more to them. Sharks don’t hold the key to finding cold fusion or the cure for AIDS. Scientists just like studying them because they fucking rule, and it beats studying algae. Oooh, what are their mating habits? Oooh, how far will they swim in one year? Who fucking cares? You're not getting us any closer to a flying car worrying about pointless minutiae like this, scienticians. Quit wasting my tax money lounging around in a boat. 700 other TV crews are already there at Seal Island. They've got it covered, okay? Get your nerdy ass back in the lab and do some real work.

The other night I watched Les Stroud feed a group of sharks a turkey, a ham, and a side of ribs. He said he did it to give us clues as to how sharks feed. Bullshit. I say he did it to watch ol’ Jaws throw down some baby backs, because that is crazy fun. And no one can tell me otherwise. Drop the facade, Discovery Channel. Quit with the marine biologists and expensive re-enactments. Just start airing a special called, "Sharks Fucking Shit Up Because They're Awesome."

Oh, and the above video? It’s a shark devouring a turtle. Oooh, what amazing new discoveries will be made from this video? None. Only that it sucks to be you, turtle. Adios, fucko.

Thanks to reader Sean H. for the link.