This Week’s Animal Killfest: Chris Berman At The Holiday Inn Brunch Buffet

One thing the movie “Free Willy” never taught us is that Willy was an absolute fucking bloodthirsty killer. I’m really tired of the attempted domestication of the killer whale, nee orca. God fashioned this mammal to be a seal-eatin’, flesh-chompin’ catalyst of violent death. Then you head to Sea World and some dick marine biologist named Lance is making it beg for mackerel. Shit, kids are even allowed to pet them. That is a fucking disgrace, and I won’t stand for it. LET THE ANIMALS KILL. It’s what they’re here for.

That’s why I admire predatory animals so much. There’s no hesitation. There’s no inner struggle. No existential angst. They aren’t worried, “Oooh, I don’t know if I can live with myself if I tear this seal to shreds!” That shit is McSweeney’s gay. Just remorseless maiming for these creatures, thank you very much. The only thing these guys worry about is their next meal. And there’s a purity to that I really aspire to in between shots of raw ethanol.

I was thinking the other day that all hunting should be legal year round as long as you use only your bare hands. In other words, if you’re hungry for cat, you should be able to choke a cat to death and eat its innards while fresh and raw. That’s how animals like the killer whale roll, and I fully support it.

Thanks to reader yesiamahooker (Bosox Siobhan’s brother!) for the clip.