Celebrity Draft Analyst: Chairman Kaga Of Iron Chef

The draft is finally here this week. Hey, nice job making us wait two months longer than is necessary, NFL! I really wanted to wait week after agonizing week until the draft finally showed up on what will inevitably be the nicest day of spring. Asses. This week, we’ll be asking notable celebrities from the world of TV, politics, and more to give us their thoughts on this year’s selection meeting. First up: “Iron Chef”'s Chairman Kaga.


Hmm… Jamarcus Russell…

If my memory serves, the Creole half-breeds of Louisiana have a saying for Jamarcus Russell: “Savor only the arm.” Russell is known for being fat and flabby, but if you eat just the upper arm and shoulder, trimming the fat and discarding the rest, you will find a tender, almost venison-like meat, that surprises the mouth with its rich, smoky flavor. Slice it thin, and a pristine carpaccio awaits to delight and tantalize you! So I say, “savor only the arm”!

(Bites into yellow bell pepper, smiles creepily)


Hmm… Joe Thomas…

If my memory serves, morbidly obese Wisconsinites have a saying for Joe Thomas: “Look below the folds”. Below the folds of Thomas’ upper body lies a sweet nugget of penis tenderloin, plus the testicles, prized by the nutmongers of Northern Japan, who serve it in a clear bento broth with stewed bok choy. If you like offal, you’ll love these balls. But only in you… “look below the folds!”

(Grabs cape, turns dramatically)


Hmm… Gaines Adams…

If my memory serves, people of South Carolina have a saying about Gaines Adams (people of South Carolina love sayings, because they cannot read), which is… “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”. Indeed, the blood of Adams is highly prized by South Carolinians as both a delicacy and a healing elixir that cures ailments ranging from dementia to toenail fungus. Indeed, “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”! Ha ha ha ha!!!!!

(Summons a large table that rises up from the floor, takes off the table covering, revealing a naked Marshawn Lynch)


Ahh… Marshawn Lynch…

If my memory serves, the organic farmers of Northern California have a saying for Marshawn Lynch, which is, “Go by the dreads”. Dreadlocks are a signal of moister flesh, which offers you passage to the elusive fifth “umami” flavor. Lynch is often served spread over toast points with a spicy Pinot Noir. It’s a transcendant experience, but only if you “go by the dreads”!

(stretches out arms, turns palms upward)

ALLA CUISINE!!!!!