KSK Mock Draft: F--king Terrible Songs
In this week's draft we're ridding the world of our most hated songs. The rules are simple: you pick a song, and it vanishes from your life. Once a song's "artist" is selected that entire "artist's" catalog comes off the board. Which Elton John song will it be?!
The draft order is as follows (minus Punter because he was busy olling up aces over kings and check-raising stupid tourists):
Maj
Flubby
Caveman
Drew
Ape
1. Maj: Hotel California by The Eagles
If you need any further explanation then you could also use brick to the head. This is a bigger sure thing than LeBron, Griffey, and Peyton combined.
2. Flubby: Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.
If you hear this song at any public setting where alcohol is being served, you can be assured that in a matter of moments a gaggle of drunken women will soon be assembled to sing an off-key rendition of the chorus. SHALALALALALALALALADEEDA!!! Fuck you very much, Van Morrison. Ya drunkass mick.
3. Caveman: Benny and the Jets by Elton John
Trying to decide between this plodding monstrosity and the childish bullshit of "Crocodile Rock" is no easy task, but I think I hate "Benny" slightly more.
Ape: If for nothing else, the fact that Berman has referenced it.
4. Drew: Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd
I fucking hate this song. I fucking... just... GAHHHHHHH I hate it so very much. Not only does it employ a children's choir, but that fucking choir sings in the most obnoxious English accent humanly possible. Hearing it in my head right now makes my teeth hurt.
Maj: I think they were the same kids from Satisfaction.
5. Ape: The Girl is Mine by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney
This is possibly the most cornball song ever wrought. From shimmery production to a chorus that goes:
The girl is mine
The doggone girl is mine
I know she's mine
Because the doggone girl is mine
You can forget Jackson bleaching his skin and raping kids and McCartney marrying a one-legged harridan who tried to take all his money. This tarnished their legacy far, far before that. And possibly worse.
Maj: Abso-fucking-lutely
CC: Great pick. I fucking hate that song.
Drew: Can I still take a song from Wings, or is all McCartney out the door now?
Maj: Sorry Drew, no Band on the Run for you.
6. Ape: Bitch by Meredith Brooks
In the Lillith Fair milieu of the girl songstress fad of the late '90s, this stood out as the most fake-controversial-yet-palatable-for-mass-audiences-bullshit around. The song's message: deal with my flightiness and refusal to adhere to rational thought! Because we're women! We're allowed to be vacuous contradictions! But not you stupid weak men! RAWR!
Also, for all the mainstream dipshit DJs who'd introduce the track with "Oh my God, a song on the radio with the word bitch as the title? Tres outre!"
7. Drew: Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf
I'm still traumatized by groups of drunken women in college re-enacting all eight and half minutes of this god-awful piece of shit. Especially the STOP RIGHT THERE! part. God, it's just so fucking terrible I can't even put it into words. And some asshole at the bar will ALWAYS put it on, without fail. The goddamn thing never ends. Fuck you, Meat Loaf Aday. And fuck you, Phil Rizzuto. Holy cow, this song blows.
8. Caveman: You're So Vain by Carly Simon
If it made my pet peeve list, it's making my most-hated song list. It's got all the same the faux-femme empowerment of "Bitch," charged with extra bitterness and irrational justifications for being a cunt.
9. Flubby: American Pie by Don McLean
So bye, bye Miss American Pie
When they play it, people say it, until I wanna die
Don McLean I hope those royalties can buy
A coffin if I meet you, guy
That one was on just about everybody's board. Great value pick.
10. Maj: Piano Man by Billy Joel
Fuck you, Billy Joel. You're the fucking devil.
11. Maj:Shiny Happy People by REM
What the fuck is that song all about? I'm convinced that they were just trying to annoy the shit out of me.
Drew: Ooooh, anything by REM is a solid choice
Maj: And they say I don't know anything about white people music...
Flubby: Losing My Religion was a late round pick on my board
Caveman: Wow, I totally forgot about REM. "Losing my Religion" was probably the first song that made me want to hurt people.
Drew: Yeah I fucking hate that song. Stand too. Guhhhhhhhh.
Caveman: God, we could do an entire draft of awful REM songs.
12. Flubby: Fergalicious by Fergie
Maj: That's an actual song? I thought it was a commercial for Vagisil or something.
13. Caveman: Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves
I hate this song. I hate every movie that this song gets used in. I hate scenes where people dance to this song. I hope Katrina and the Waves all die horrific, grisly deaths.
Maj: Like drowning in flood water?
14. Drew: Silver Bells> by Bing Crosby
My least favorite Christmas song. I don't care who sings it, I fucking hate it. One time, at the gym, they played an emo version of it. My least favorite holiday song sung in my least favorite genre besides country. My heart turned black.
Flubby: Ooh, I could do a whole draft on xmas songs. Starting with "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" by Sir Paul.
Maj: I would have picked all Christmas songs, but Ufford wouldn't have any of that.
15. Ape: Kokomo by The Beach Boys
This song single-handedly kept me from getting into music until almost my teens. I can't even begin to enumerate the number of ways I hate it. But, I was just given one more not too long ago: it inspired possibly the worst parody song ever. And they play it all the time at the stupid divey karaoke bar I go to. This song was a No. 1 hit? Proof positive of America's cultural bankruptcy. Fuck you, Mike Love.
Holy shit, nobody drafted We Built This City!!!
Add your picks in the comments, but play by the fucking rules! That means waiting ten selections before picking another song. And no picking "anything by [blank]" because that's something Drew would do because he's a dick who has most certainly not listened to all 7,431 shitty Grateful Dead songs.
