Brett Is Striving For a Cushier Career

Yesterday ESPN's Chris Mortensen reported (via voicemail) that Brett Favre is retiring due to his increasing mental fatigue.

"I know I can still play, but it's like I told my wife, I'm just tired mentally. I'm just tired,"

What Mort didn't go on to report is the subsequent conversation that took place when Mort got off of the shitter and checked his voicemail...



Hey Brett! Sorry I missed your call, I was knuckle deep in some serious mud butt.




Don't you have journalists to do that for you?



Sadly, no. But hey, you mentioned something about retiring because you're tired. What's up with that?


You know, I'm just tired. I'm tired of reading the playbook, I'm tired of scouting opponents, and I'm tired of not getting to play with Moss.


I hear ya, Brett. Like I've always said, football is a thinking man's game like chess. The pawns are the linemen, the rooks are the wideouts, the bishops are the tight ends, and the knights are the running backs. But the quarterback is like the king and the queen in one! The queen is your athletic side while the king is your brainy side. It must really have taken a toll over all these years.



...




Brett?




What the fuck is chess?




It's like fancy checkers.



Chinese or domestic?



It doesn't matter, your brain has had enough strain.



Hey, that rhymes!



It certainly does, Brett. So what are you going to do now that you're retired?



I need a job that doesn't require so much thinking and preparation.




Heck, you could come work in Bristol any time!




Nah, Berman creeps me out.




He'll do that.




Hey, I know! Do you have Sean's phone number?




Nope, I deleted it a while back. There was some...unpleasantness.



Damn. I sure would like to hitch my wagon to that Salisbury Brand he's been talkin' about. It's like that guy gets paid to not think. What a great fuckin' country.




God bless it.




Hell yeah! And fuck the French!




Yeah, and the blacks too!




What?!



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ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Reports That ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Is Just F--king Guessing

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that earlier report of ESPN’s Bill Parcells currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight may or may not have a layover.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's "Mike & Mike" that a reported flight to Atlanta tonight contained Elton John without his hair or makeup, and NOT ESPN’s Bill Parcells.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen confirms to ESPN that ESPN's Chris Mortensen does not know where ESPN’s Bill Parcells is at this time, but will have updates as this story develops.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is now on his way to Miami, preparing to sign offer sheet to become VP of Dolphins. Parcells will sign the offer, unless he does not.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is carrying with him a preserved mosquito in amber, and plans on cloning dinosaurs once he lands in Miami.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells has actually already cloned two velociraptors and has them in transit.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that the velociraptors have been genetically engineered to read, to use telekinesis, and to feel no pain. But that the velociraptors are both females, so that they cannot learn to breed.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's John Clayton that the velociraptors have learned to BREED!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that the bloodthirsty velociraptors have parachuted out the plane and are presently on the ground!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that THEY HAVE NUKES NOW! GOOD FUCKING GOD, RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HURRY! PLEASE! SOON THEY WILL DEVOUR US ALL AND CREATE A NEW ERA!


NBA: Raptors 73, Bucks 71

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that the recent reports (probably from a blog) of a superintelligent nuclear dinosaur attack were incorrect. Apparently, they were just cats.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen OFFICIALLY CONFIRMS that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas. Today. December 20th.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen would like to reiterate his confirmation that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas, because it's totally true!

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that Yahoo's Mike Silver has written an article with lots of cool stuff in it, and that he will soon report its contents.

Get the inside scoop from ESPN's Chris Mortensen on ESPN Insider!