KSK Top Secret Super Bowl Scouting Report Bukkake: New York Giants

It's Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Giants:

Everyone knows that the key to stopping the New York Giants is distracting Eli Manning. What they don't know is that the best way to distract him is by kidnapping his imaginary friend, Moishe...Kevin Gilbride might be a brilliant play caller, but he's a lousy gardener and a selfish lover...Jared Lorenzen's bones are fucking huge...Plaxico (pronounced Plexico) Burress has an evil twin named Plaxico (pronounced Plaxico) Burress. One of them is really good, but nobody knows which.

Amani Toomer has never seen Kindergarten Cop so don't even bother...Chris Snee is known as "Crocodile" to his teammates because his only friend in the whole world is an Egyptian Plover...Grey Ruegamer is urged by coaches to "get his mustache bloody" on the playing field...Michael Strahan isn't gay, but he dabbles...Jeremy Shockey has an Eli Manning doll, but he's yet to master the art of voodoo...If you say his name backwards, R.W. McQuarters will drop a the football.

Aaron Ross has been a new man since his girlfriend Sanya started taking him from behind...In addition to playing on the defensive line, Barry Cofield runs a successful accounting firm in South Hampton...Sinorice Moss is still waiting to meet Eli Manning for the first time...Kawika Mitchell dreams of retiring to open an eatery in Remsenburg, Long Island called P.G.'s Wodehouse.

Thanks, Mr. Radioactive Scout!

KSK Top Secret Super Bowl Scouting Report Bukkake: New England Patriots

It's Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Patriots:

“I don’t understand why more teams don’t try and deploy strobe lights to get Tedy Bruschi to seize up. Did you know strobe lights can cause stroke victims to relapse and foam at the mouth? I wish we had done that… The best way to limit Tom Brady’s effectiveness is to hit him early and often. Just kidding. You’re fucked no matter what you do… I once saw Kyle Brady eat a Scotty Terrier he ran over with his pickup. Apparently, he does that sort of thing quite often…

“The key to the Patriots’ passing game isn’t Randy Moss. It’s Wes Welker. If you stop Welker, you limit Brady’s options AND you take the Pats’ fans out of the game, because it’s very bittersweet for them when a black player catches the ball… Doesn’t Kevin Faulk remind you of Dallas Clark, the way he always gets first downs right when you think you’ve stopped them? Fucking Faulk… Matt Cassel was Matt Leinart’s backup in college, which also meant he got all his backup tail at parties. And if there’s any place that has great second tier pussy, it’s USC…

“Logan Mankins has a cabin in the woods where he keeps an arsenal and canned goods that can last 100 men 100 days. I think he plans on killing lots of illegal immigrants when he retires… A lot of people think a cover 2 scheme will frustrate Randy Moss. But you know what really frustrates him? A woman with a sassy mouth… I once saw Rodney Harrison help an old lady across the street, and then beat her to death with her own purse…

“Actually, all their defensive players are dirty. I once saw Vince Wilfork chew on a guy’s scrotum… And I saw Richard Seymour fart in a guy’s earhole. Then he stabbed the guy in the heart with a letter opener he kept in his sock. The guy died on the field… Brandon Meriweather says he plans to break all of Jerramy Stevens’ career raping records… Junior Seau went through a painful divorce recently. Football is all he has left. That’s why I suggest intentionally injuring him in the first quarter and watching with glee as he realizes his life is now an empty vessel… Mike Vrabel never learned to read at OSU and only responds to inquiries if they are put in football terminology. You can’t say, like, “Pass the milk” to him. You have to say “WHITE GALLON OUTPOUR!” if you want that shit…

“Larry Izzo makes supplemental income by letting rich men pee on him… I saw Ty Warren once eat an entire Armani suit… Adalius Thomas is their most versatile player, and not just one the field. He can cook, clean, paint, do woodwork, play the clarinet, and clean out his rectum with a pure apple cider vinegar enema, all in one day… Asante Samuel has a fondness for starting fires in closets… Bill Belichick has actually already scanned and memorized this scouting report.”

Thanks, Mr. scout man. Stay tuned for the Jints later in the week.

NFL Scouting Bukkake: The Combine Part 2

This is what you'd look like if you were a vegan and you'd just seen Reggie Nelson trap and eat a live gazelle.

Today we're thrilled to welcome back our exclusive Combine scout, the re-animated River Phoenix

This blogging thing is out of control man (seriously though, what the fuck did you guys do to Wil Wheaton? I told him Star Trek was a bad idea). I just told some guy what I was doing here and he told me that my old friend Flea was blogging for the NBA. Apparently everybody that was there when I died went mainstream. Bastards...

The only experience less thrilling than watching defensive backs running 40's was playing a gay pseudo-Falstaff opposite Keanu Reeves. Why isn't he dead yet?... The two safeties everybody clamored to see were Laron Landry and Reggie Nelson. Landry ran a 4.32 to Nelson's 4.53 (Deion thinks the dreads were worth .1, and you people say he went clean). Nelson gained hasty revenge when he beat Landry unconscious with a pylon--good to see him get his swagger back... Former Terp Josh Wilson led his group with a 4.35. Rich Eisen just said, "that's one fast turtle!" HAHAHAHA! Please put me back in the ground now...

These guys sure make funny noises when they run. I think Brandon Meriweather just ejaculated at the finish line--that's gotta slow you down a step or two... Damien Hughes ran a 4.7-something 40 and his vertical test made him look like a white guy. A little bit of advice young man, whenever I had a bad audition I wasn't afraid to suck the occasional cock. I saw that look in Vinny Cerrato's freaky eyes...

Sabby Piscetelli reminds me of a young Marky Mark (now I know he's dead, right?)... Aaron Ross was trained for the 40 by his world record holding girlfriend. He just ran a 4.45 before the testicles fell out of his shorts... If I had lived I'm convinced I could have become Governor of California by now... I fucked Helen Mirren on the set of Mosquito Coast. Just sayin'...

Thanks River! Check back later for a combine wrap-up from our esteemed scout..

NFL Scouting Bukkake: The Combine

"Hey Joaquin, I'm gonna sell this and buy a week's worth of speedballs. You want in on that?"

It's combine time, so we here at KSK asked a high-ranking scout to analyze the prospect's workouts.

There's nothing quite like Indianapolis in February. It almost makes me wish I'd never been re-animated... Even though a lot of prospects think they're too good to participate in the workouts (they aren't) there's still a lot to be seen. For instance, Joe Thomas proved that he can in fact run 40 yards quite effectively for an offensive tackle... JaMarcus Russel's a fatty fatty boombolatty... Some receiver Yamon Figurs ran a 4.3 40. Even though he only has three fingers he's now expected to go to the Raiders in the second round. At least he can still order a glass of scotch at the Viper Room.

Calvin Johnson is 6'5" 239 with a 4.35 40. He also pisses excellence while shitting pieces of the True Cross. Matt Millen and Al Davis had such an intense reaction they had to be escorted out by mental health professionals for further examination and treatment... Troy Smith says he's not working out because he just came off the banquet circuit which is known to cause shortness and weakening of the throwing arm. Hey, has anybody seen Chris Penn?

Brady Quinn's trainer told him to be a bear before beginning the bench press exercise. Quinn asked if he could still be a bottom. 24 reps, that's 1 for every guy that's going before him in the first round. Even I didn't spend this much time mugging for the cameras (and I was smoldering)... Jarvis Moss just sacked Troy Smith again... Isn't there any god damn coke in this fucking city? If I don't get a bump I'm gonna tear out Kiper's throat with my teeth...

Syndric Steptoe might be short (5'8 5/8")--but he's also slow (4.52)! To be fair he was probably just caught up in that banquet circuit, those award shows are really banging down his door... Robert Meechum is really good, he just beat the record for the gauntlet drill (previously held by Questor the Elf)... Florida State's Chris Davis just fell over his feet on both attempts at the short shuttle drill. After proclaiming himself as Christ Almighty he underwent treatment for Lyme Disease... I need a drink.

Thanks River! We'll have more from our esteemed scout coming soon.