Always Be Covering: Week 17

This is the Maj reporting LIVE from a cubicle with limited internet connectivity! Fortunately the email system operates on a different server, so I can still get my picks to you, the gullible masses.

Whore

Welcome to the final regular season edition of Always Be Covering. It’s week 17 and that means it’s time for the true coverers to earn their coffee. Lots of playoff teams are going to be resting their starters (bitches) so some of the games are going to be total crap shoots, but if I let that stop me then I never would have become such an amazing craps player. So join me for a few rolls of the dice, just don’t crap out on us. On to the picks!

New England -13.5 at New York Giants

ed. note: The Maj is out of town this weekend and thus he was unable to place this bet in time, which is cool because it saved him 50 bucks.

All that stands between the Patriots and regular season perfection is Eli “Double Yellow” Manning.

Jesus.Buttfucking.Christ.

This is going to happen people, there’s really no way around it. Finally I’ll be able to use that fallout shelter I built before Y2K. Sadly it’s little more than a hole in the ground filled with Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies and hardcore Estonian pornography (don’t let the cherubic smile fool you, Debbie is down with the filthy stuff).

Tennessee -4.5 at Indianapolis

Jim Sorgi's heart only beats between three and five times per minute. Once the playoffs are over he's going to be an understudy in the summer stock rendition of Nosferatu.

Chicago +1 vs. New Orleans

Who knows when I'll every be able to bet on Kyle Orton again? Perhaps not until he retires to found the Professional Flip Cup Association with Chris Cooley and Ben Roethlisberger

San Diego -8.5 at Oakland

JaMarcus is making his first career start and the Chargers still have something left to play for. LaDanian should be sitting by halftime which should leave plenty of time for Michael Turner to break the single game rushing record.

Alright everybody, enjoy the last weekend of regular season football for a really long fucking time. Savor it people, you won't get to see the Panthers and Falcons for another nine months. By the time that comes around you could have a kid! So remember, watch a lot of football and keep a wire hanger on hand...just in case.