KsK Kares Koughs Up A Kashkakke

The final tally is in from our KsK Kares Charity Drive:

The total donations raised for Fisher House: $1,565. It just goes to prove: KSK is here for the children. We're not just here for the dick jokes, people. We're here to give back to the community, and then to brag about just how much we gave back in order to justify being total fucking dicks. I feel great!

39 of you donated, which averages out to about $40 a donation. Jesus, you people are loaded. Why can't you give ME any of that money? Huggies are never discounted at Giant, god dammit. Everyday low prices, my ass.

So take pride, you charitable souls, and spend this weekend celebrating yourselves. Drink 1,565 beers. Eat 1,565 flautas. Beat up 1,565 Patriot fans. Write a 1,565-word epic poem about yourself in the original Latin (mine is called The Drewterralogue). Spend 1,565 seconds giving your loved one oral pleasure. Dial 1-565-156-5156 and harass whoever's on the other end. Refresh your NFL GameCenter 1,565 times. Spend $15.65 in takeout money. You could get three chicken finger subs instead of just one, fatty! Call your mother and give her a 1,565-word diatribe about how she doesn't appreciate you enough.

$1,565. Nicely done, people. Here's a cheerleader in lingerie. You should tell her about just how giving you are. Maybe she'll acknowledge you presence for longer than 1.565 seconds.

QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I'll be on WCCO Radio in Minneapolis this evening at 10:10 Central Time. You can listen here. if you so choose. I will not be sober.

UPDATE: Oops. Interview postponed to Monday.

The First Annual KsK Kares Charity Drive

As you know, this site is used mostly for evil purposes. And we have every intention of keeping it that way. But, since this is the opening week of the NFL, we can’t help but be downright cheery about our good fortune. So, it would seem appropriate that we make a small, fairly pathetic effort to spread that good fortune around to those in need. I have no confidence that this endeavor will help balance out our karma. It’s one dollar off a trillion dollar pile of ill will. But it’ll at least give me the illusion that I’m doing something good, and that’s all that matters.

And so today, the very same day Jerry Lewis wheels out his little retards to win your heart over, we’re holding our first ever KsK Kares Charity Drive. At the end of each post this week, we’ll be linking to an online donation form for Fisher House, an organization that helps disabled veterans and their families. Fisher House got a 4-star charity rating (out of four!) from independent evaluators, and you can elect to have 100% of the money you donate go directly to veteran care, and not overhead. Fucking overhead.

Your donation is also tax deductible. Which means you don’t have to feel like a complete bleeding heart pussy when you give. Best of all, giving to Fisher House will give you a smug sense of self-satisfaction that, I assure you, is well worth every penny. You can even mention it in passing to a dinner date. She’ll think that you’re not only kind, but also surprisingly modest about just how kind you are. That’s worth at least a handjob, according to a Neil Strauss manual I recently purchased.

The link to directly donate is right here. And you can read more about FH here. I’m giving $20, a fair price for being able to be so selfish about my selflessness. You’ll see this link at the end of each post this week. Otherwise, it’s dick jokes as usual around here. Tally ho!