You Can Trust Me, I'm a God Damn Genius!

Welcome to the WILDCARD edition of Always Be Covering! I got lucky last week when I was unable to get my bet down on New England. The result? 3-0 in the remaining straight up bets and a surprising win on a 3-team teaser. Damn, Week 17 rules. Oh well, we're on to the playoffs now and this is where shit gets tight like underage vagina.

The Maj is young, Jewish, and fabulous.

As if you couldn't tell after two years of the MOST guaranteed football picks on the planet, I am a fucking (non-Germanic) wunderkind. And I'm not just about identifying winners in practically HALF of the games I pick, it also extends into the world of fantasy. You may remember a certain Big Daddy briefly mentioning his abject failure in the finals of the Yahoo!!! Blogxperts league, but what's really important was that it was I that kicked his big old hairy ass. It wasn't just a victory for me, but for all of the other beautiful youngsters out there. So feel free to join me in a quick celebration...

YEAH! LET'S FUCKIN' ROCK! WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME FUCKIN' PICKS?! DO YOU? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh shit, I think I'm a bit too jacked up for this, hang on...

ahhhhhhh, back in business.

On to the Wildcard picks! Each wager is for an even fifty (just like the one pictured above, only less numb).

Washington +3.5 at Seattle

My Redskins aren't the team of destiny that all of the shitbreath analysts are making them out to be, but they sure as hell can hang with the ass-spelunking Seahawks. Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren will each be given an extra five timeouts to ensure that they don't fuck things up too royally.

Jacksonville -3 at Pittsburgh

There's an ancient Chinese proverb that reads, "Always bet heavy on the hot team entering the playoffs." Then there's the ancient Korean proverb that reads, "Hines Ward is super terrific number one football!" At first I was torn, then I remembered that Koreans don't know dick about the NFL.

New York Giants +3 at Tampa Bay

You want a real rush? Bet on Elisha in the playoffs.If you've ever had an aneurysm you know what I'm talking about. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT PULSING IN YOUR CEREBELLUM!

San Diego -10 vs. Tennessee

Hey, I remembered to pick a home team! They tend to do fairly well in the post season if I'm not mistaken. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden should get a special ribbon for trying really really hard every year.

There you have it people, the locks of the week. Here's what I'll be doing with my winnings...



Enjoy the magical weekend everyone. I'll be taking you through it all over at Deadspin.

ed. note: I have no clue what's going to happen this weekend, so just pretend that I made this picks on Xanax. Yes...pretend.

Everybody Back In the Pool!

Jinx says New England can't lose, and if Jinx says it you know it's true! Jinx!

I hate making homer bets the way conservative politicians hate hot stinky man-ass. But sometimes the urge for that sweet sweet action builds inside of you like a a benign tumor. Last week I tempted fate and bet against the Patriots for the first time this season. Of course I did it because I'm a pathetic fucking homer who should know better by now. There was no way that my Redskins could lose by such an expansive margin as 17 points!

Yep, I'm a dipshit...but at least I'm not Gregg Williams. Fuck that guy. After all, I did profit off of the three other investments.

Fortunately all of that is behind us. It's a new week and I'm ready to get back with the Rent Checks Patriots.

New England -6 at Indianapolis
(Risking 100 to win 91)

The Colts are playing as well as ever having won twelve straight. They've enjoyed a great deal of recent success against the team they are hosting...and they're getting six points. It's unfuckingreal when you think about it, but that's all meaningless right now. New England is the hot shit and everybody knows that they're untouchable.

They remind me of the aliens at the beginning of Independence Day. They don't seem to worry about anything, they just chill up in the stratosphere and blow shit up on a whim. You can throw all you have at them if you so choose, but it will just blow up in your face. What we need is a Jeff Goldblum. Some brilliant scientific mind who can send a virus through their impenetrable defenses. Unfortunately Tony Dungy is not a man of science, he's a man of god. He probably doesn't even believe in aliens.

I hope that this jinx and my monetary sacrifice will appease the Gods and bring about the downfall of New England...but I'd also take the money (if they win and don't cover the Potomac will run red with kitten blood).

Lighten the Mood Parlay!
(Risk 25 to win 153)

Washington -4 at New York Jets
They aren't that bad. Are they?

Buffalo +1 vs. Cincinnati
If these two cities didn't have NFL franchises would you even know they existed?

Cleveland -1.5 vs. Seattle
All hail Horse Balls.

Enjoy your weekend.