KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke – New England Patriots

Five Fast Facts About The Patriots:

-Head coach Bill Belichick has earned two separate doctorates in MILF hunting.
-Rookie safety and expert marksman Brandon Meriweather sometimes goes by the name “The Hit Stick,” which is the exact same nickname I use for my own cock.
-Defensive Lineman Le Kevin Smith’s first name is French for, “The Kevin”, which is a nickname used by 75% of all New England males.
-Wideout Randy Moss once famously said, “I play when I want to play.” What few people know is that the quote is incomplete. The full text of Moss’ quote was, “I play when I want to play. And man, I fucking never want to play this stupid game again.”
-Wes Welker’s jersey will become a fan favorite and have the #2 selling Patriots jersey by year’s end. And you know why? Because Patriot fans are fucking racist.

Projected 2007 Record:
15-1, Super Bowl champions.

Actual 2007 Record:
13-3, Loss to Colts in AFC Title Game. Bill Simmons stomps around his playroom and yells, “Let us know when you get to three rings.” What a douche.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Dan Koppen


Nothing I can do can really top 289’s Photoshop work above. Nonetheless, I’m wrapping up my portion of our 2007 NFL Preview by “chatting” with Patriots center, official ginger kid, and apparent douchemagnet Dan Koppen.

Big Daddy Drew: Dan, thanks for sitting down with us.
Dan Koppen: No problem.

Drew: As a center, you get to bend over in front of Tom Brady regularly. Does Peter King ever try and steal your practice jersey?
Koppen: No.

Drew: Does Brady ever bring Gisele Bundchen into the locker room? Because, if the film “Buttman Goes To Rio 12” is any indication, Brazilian girls are not averse to taking on 30, even 40 dicks at a time. It’s like a churrascaria of cock.
Koppen: He’s never brought her around.

Drew: Brady wore a Yankees cap in the offseason. Don’t you think he did that on purpose? If I had to play for a bunch of fuckface Boston fans, I’d wear a Yankee cap on the goddamn sideline.
Koppen: I think he wore it innocently.

Drew: Brady’s ex-girlfriend recently had a son. Brady was on hand for the birth. Do you ever catch him humming “Broken Box” by Queens of the Stone Age to himself?
Koppen: No.

Drew: Do Junior Seau and George Hamilton share the same bronzer?
Koppen: No.

Drew: The Patriots cut Reche Caldwell recently. Is it fair to say Caldwell saw it coming?
Koppen: Maybe.

Drew: Laurence Maroney has gone on record as saying he has never heard of construda. How much money could you win from Maroney playing poker? I bet you could clean his ass out.
Koppen: I don’t know.

Drew: For real, that guy is a fucking blatant liar. Does this photo look Photoshopped to you?
Koppen: Yes. A big Kool Aid guy was photoshopped in.

Drew: No, the necklace, motherfucker! I’m talking about the necklace!
Koppen: I have no clue.

Drew: Adalius Thomas was signed in the offseason from Baltimore. Thomas has been hailed as a highly versatile player. Do you think Bill Belichick plans on playing him at multiple positions, then cutting his salary every year as a sign of gratitude?
Koppen: I don’t think so.

Drew: Rodney Harrison was busted for using HGH recently. Shouldn’t you guys have noticed that? I heard Harrison’s chin strap was six feet long.
Koppen: I don’t know.

Drew: Do you think Bill Belichick is so secretive because he hopes no one will notice the seven-story HGH-processing plant next to Gillette Stadium?
Koppen: There is no seven-story HGH-processing plant next to Gillette Stadium.

Drew: I heard the reason Tedy Bruschi had his stroke is because he took enough HGH to be featured on frozen vegetable packets.
Koppen: That is NOT true.

Drew: Randall Gay’s last name is Gay. Isn’t that hysterical?
Koppen: No.

Drew: My buddy “The Kevin” up in Ipswich has gotten some serious mileage out of that name.
Koppen: Good for him.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Koppen: Nope.

Drew: You’re from Iowa. How about giving me the ol’ “sweaty corncob”?
Koppen: Nope.

Drew: Dan, thanks for talking to us.
Koppen: You bet.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: New York Jets

Five Fast Facts About The Jets:

-Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson is often forced to give piggyback rides to Chinese tourists who confuse his first name with an advertisement for personal transport.
-Multi-purpose threat Brad Smith will be expected to perform many duties during the season: throwing passes, running the ball, catching the ball, returning kicks, and becoming as overrated as Antwaan Randle El.
-You of course know that center Nick Mangold’s sister Holley is a 300-lb. high school player. What you don’t know is that Mangold has a second sister named Rotunda who just finished up a summer internship as a retaining wall.
-Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is the lesbian lovechild of Velma Dinkley and Wilma Flintstone.
-Andre Wadsworth’s comeback bid with the Jets will come to a tragic end when he accidentally manages to gouge out his right eye with a washcloth.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kerry Rhodes!


During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Jets, it’s strong safety, Louisville grad, and flubby wet dream subject Kerry Rhodes.

Big Daddy Drew: Kerry, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kerry Rhodes: My pleasure.

Drew: You were ranked a stunning 29th on Peter King’s list of the 500 best NFL players, ahead of Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Bart Scott, and many others. What did you do for King for such favorable placement? Were anal beads involved?
Rhodes: I didn’t do anything.

Drew: Nosetackle Dwayne Robertson was once called, “Baby Sapp”. Was this because he too could swallow a rotisserie chicken whole?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I don’t think of Robertson as a bust, so much as a gigantic, flaming dirigible explosion. Agreed?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Many QB’s have to wear red jerseys in practice. Since Kimo von Oelhoffen is on your team, are they required to wear red pants, socks, and shoes as well?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Jets fans are known for their creative, and often intricate chants. Do you think the chant, “J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!” is easily understood by the common man? Or is it too clever by half?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: If Chad Pennington were to make whipped cream by hand, would his arm fall off completely, or would it just kinda hang there?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: Did you know The Big Lead is gay for Thomas Jones?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I’d tell Thomas to keep away. Anyone who still watches “The Wonder Years” probably also owns a cat.
Rhodes: Okay.

Drew: Laveranues Coles was abused by his stepfather at a young age. And I think he was pretty brave to come out and admit in public. Why do you think so many other athletes are unwilling to speak out the way Coles has?
Rhodes: What?

Drew: Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I got my notes mixed up with Andrea Kremer’s for a moment. My apologies. Coach Eric Mangini is notoriously rough on players for disclosing injuries to the public. Do you think he made Coles run wind sprints after his admission?
Rhodes: No. That would be horrible.

Drew: I heard Mangini is so discreet about injuries that he didn’t bury his own grandfather when he died, and that he currently keeps him in an armoire in his basement. True?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Marques Tuiasosopo: do you really need him?
Rhodes: Yes.

Drew: Will you consider kissing me?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Come on, man! A Jet who doesn’t want to kiss people? That’s crap.
Rhodes: Tough

Drew: Kerry, thanks again.
Rhodes: You’re very welcome.

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: Buffalo Bills

Five Fast Facts About The Bills:

-Head coach Dick Jauron is still recovering from half of his face melting after opening the Ark of the Covenant.
-Rookie running back Marshawn Lynch is attempting to fill the shoes of recent Bills RBs Willis McGahee and Travis Henry by impregnating eight women, two does, and a baby sea cow.
-Team President Marv Levy has a lifelong endorsement contract with D. Lucky Lindy’s All-Purpose Hair Gel. “You’ll never fly solo again!”
-Tight end Robert Royal couldn’t catch a fucking O Ball.
-We reiterate that running back Shaud Williams is not a fan of Bruno:



Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kyle Williams!


During our 2007 NFL Preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Bills, it’s defensive tackle and jolly looking fellow Kyle Williams.

Big Daddy Drew: Kyle, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kyle Williams: Sure. No problem.

Drew: You sort of look like Tobey Maguire on the days he takes his depression meds. You ever get that?
Williams: No.

Drew: You went to LSU. Earlier this year, LSU women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatman was fired for having affairs with her players. I saw the movie “Chasing Amy” once, and the annoying bitch who always cried in that flick said lesbians make love by fisting one another. My question is, when you bounce an LSU practice ball, does it stick to the court?
Williams: I have no idea.

Drew: Buffalo fans are famed for attending games shirtless. Is it fun to know that, when you take the field, you’re gonna see lots of tits, both male and female?
Williams: I don’t look into the stands.

Drew: The Bills have one of the more tortured fanbases in the league. Did Marv Levy hire Dick Jauron just to twist the knife a little bit more?
Williams: Coach Jauron is a good coach.

Drew: I heard Paul Posluszny is so dumb that if you staple a tail to his pants he chases it. True?
Williams: No.

Drew: The Bills traded Willis McGahee in the offseason. How has McGahee’s departure affected the area’s Planned Parenthood clinics? I heard many of them had to be shuttered.
Williams: I don’t know.

Drew: Does Roscoe Parrish own a last basset hound named Flash?
Williams: No.

Drew: Linebacker Coy Wire has a bitchin’ name. If I were him, after every tackle, I’d jump up and shout, “’CAUSE I’M ALIVE!!!!! A LIVE WI-AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Wouldn’t you?
Williams: No.

Drew: Larry Triplett: fat lineman, or fattest lineman?
Williams: Fat lineman.

Drew: Quarterback JP Losman has a reputation for being somewhat cocky. But isn’t that somewhat earned on his part? I think he’s fucking dreamy. And so does most of the gay population in Buffalo. I think they like his unkempt hair and free-loving spirit. Don’t you?
Williams: I have no idea.

Drew: Shouldn’t Peerless Price really be named Peer Price?
Williams: Peerless is damn good.

Drew: Offensive line coach Jim McNally terrifies me. Look at this picture.

Does McNally ever wear a hooded cloak and start saying shit like, “It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!”?
Williams: No.

Drew: Kyle, thanks for your time.
Williams: You’re welcome.

BONUS: 289 provides this stunning video of Marshawn Lynch's philosophical viewpoints. Kudos to you, 289. You are solid. And it don't get no better than solid.

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: St. Louis Rams

Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
-Fullback Madison Hedgecock moonlights as the newest star in the asstraffic.com stable.
-When Pacman Jones’ suspension was handed down, defensive end Leonard Little had a good, hearty laugh. Then he got drunk, hopped in his car, and took out a retiree crossing the street.
-Seriously, fuck Leonard Little.
-Guard Richie Incognito’s Nebraska education makes him oblivious to any and all jokes made about his last name.
-When dining out, head coach Scott Linehan will always order the strangest thing on the menu, only to immediately regret his adventurousness. Linehan has regurgitated such items as turtle blood soup, braised tripe, elephant sweetbreads, cured pig jowl, and a fritto misto with ox asshole.

Projected 2007 Record:
8-8, T-1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
7-9, T-1st in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Marc Bulger!


During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Rams, it’s starting quarterback and West Fucking Virginia’s own Marc Bulger.

Big Daddy Drew: Marc, thanks for taking time to sit down with us.
Marc Bulger: No problem.

Drew: Last year, I made the finals of my fantasy league. I’d never even made the playoffs before, so I was pretty psyched. The team I went up against had both you and Stephen Jackson. You threw 4 TD’s, while Jackson had over 250 combined yards and scored 2 TD’s. This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to tell you: Watch your back. Okay? Because I’ll be watching yours. Comprende?
Bulger: Okay.

Drew: That goes for your family as well. Protect them. Sometimes I black out, and I can’t be held responsible for what happens when “Mr. Stick” takes over.
Bulger: Okay.

Drew: You spell your name Marc with a “c”, which is the French way of spelling it. Is being sacked something you’re just naturally good at, or is it more of a learned skill?
Bulger: Our line is better this year.

Drew: When they make a live-action “Shrek” film, will Orlando Pace be tapped to star?
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: Mike Rumph is on your roster. How much pressure do you feel to score 60 points every game?
Bulger: We have a good defense.

Drew: You took over starting QB duties from Kurt Warner. When Brenda Warner leaves you threatening voicemails, is it scary, or just sort of humorous?
Bulger: Brenda is a very nice person.

Drew: I’m sure that’s true during the day. I’m talking about during a full moon. You know. During the Feasting Hour.
Bulger: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The Rams signed Drew Bennett in the offseason. How do you feel about the team’s stance against performing physicals on free agents? Is this some sort of Christian Scientist policy?
Bulger: Drew had a physical and is healthy.

Drew: You went to West Virginia. I have a question about wine pairings. What moonshine goes well with grilled nutria? I was thinking a ’79 Jimbob Reserve.
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: You’re originally from Pennsylvania. Do you enjoy breathing out of your mouth as much as everyone else from that state does?
Bulger: I’m proud to be from Pennsylvania.

Drew: I’m sure you are. Brock Berlin is on the Rams roster. Why?
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: The Rams signed Randy McMichael during the offseason. What has McMichael taught you about punching pregnant women?
Bulger: Randy’s great.

Drew: Your team goal this year is to win the NFC West. Isn’t winning the NFC West kind of like being handed a free Frisbee at a radio festival?
Bulger: It’s a hard division.

Drew: You recently signed a contract extension with $27 million in guaranteed money. Do you ever resent the fact that you’re rich and single but forced to live in St. Louis?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Seriously? I’ve seen chicks from that town. They all wear stirrup pants and have boobs you could hide a box of paper clips under.
Bulger: I’m happy in St. Louis.

Drew: Offensive tackle Todd Steussie is an alleged steroid user. And offensive tackle Alex Barron went to Florida State. Is this the most rape-savvy offensive line in football?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Safety Corey Chavous is known around the league as a savvy draftnik and personnel evaluator. But if that’s the case, why hasn’t Chavous recommended that the Rams release Corey Chavous yet?
Bulger: Corey is still good.

Drew: Rams owner Georgia Frontiere strikes me as the kind of old broad who starts drinking gin at 10AM in the morning, then tries to bang the pool boy around noon, only to become a sobbing wreck when he rebuffs her advances. Agreed?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Is it true that Frontiere played the evil sister in “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane”?
Bulger: That was Bette Davis.

Drew: Is it true she starred as Blanche in a stage production “A Streetcar Named Desire” and begged the actor playing Stanley to actually rape her?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Do you ever think to yourself at night, “Whew! Thank God we’re in the NFC. At least we have a fighting chance.”?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Doesn’t 1999 seem really, really, really far away to you?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Bulger: No.

Drew: What if I flashed you a little leg? See this milky white inner thigh? It could be all yours.
Bulger: No.

Drew: Marc, thanks for your time.
Bulger: My pleasure.

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: Arizona Cardinals

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals:
-Wideout Larry Fitzgerald makes a mock apple pie with Ritz Crackers that will make your head swoon.
-Running back Edgerrin James is famous for lifting weights late at night and bringing in crackheads off the street to spot for him. This is a smart move, because a crackhead can easily lift over seven times his body weight for some crack.
-Quarterback Matt Leinart is best friends with Nick Lachey. The two share much in common, including the fact that their best days are far behind them.
-The Cardinals new stadium was nearly named after the Mexican restaurant chain Pink Taco. But those plans were scrapped after restaurant executives realized that it was the Seahawks home stadium that looked more like a gaping vaginal canal.
-Tight End Leonard Pope has a Popemobile of his own. Like the real Popemobile, it features bulletproof glass. Unlike the real Popemobile, it also features a Bose surround system and a plastic vagina that plugs into the cigarette lighter.

Projected 2007 Record:
10-6, 1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
8-8, 3rd in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Bryant Johnson!


During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Cardinals, it’s third wide receiver and potentially annoying fantasy TD vulture Bryant Johnson.

Big Daddy Drew: Thanks for sitting down with us, Bryant.
Bryant Johnson: No problem.

Drew: The Super Bowl is being held in Arizona this year. Can I sit with you?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Did you know the Cards are Will Leitch’s favorite team, and by “favorite”, I mean “least indifferent towards”?
Johnson: No.

Big Daddy Drew: Is the T on the end of your name silent? Because I barely bother to pronounce it anyway.
Bryant Johnson: No. It’s Bryant.

Big Daddy Drew: Seriously though, it’s just Bryan with a vestigial T on the end. It could be a D and it still wouldn’t matter.
Bryant Johnson: It’s Bryant.

Drew: Matt Leinart once nailed Paris Hilton. Do you keep Purell in your locker? You should.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Does it concern you at all that Matt Leinart doesn’t even have a better physique than Steve fucking Nash in this photo?


Johnson: No.

Drew: Are you sure? I haven’t seen a chest that small since Debra Messing.
Johnson: Matt will be great.

Drew: Where does Leinart hide when Brynn Cameron’s process server show up? Is there a crawlspace in the locker room that he favors?
Johnson: I don’t know.

Drew: Your center’s name is Nick Leckey. Are we really to think it mere coincidence that the team hired a guy with a name two letters away from Nick Lachey to bend over in front of Matt on a daily basis?
Johnson: It’s a coincidence.

Drew: Your new coach, Ken Whisenhunt, has been called a Bill Cowher clone. Does Whisenhunt also pretend to like girl’s basketball because he’s stuck with two daughters who play it?
Johnson: No.

Drew: I heard a rumor that Whisenhunt was only able to convince Russ Grimm to join his staff by pointing out Arizona on a map and showing him that it wasn’t across the Pacific Ocean. True?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your college coach, Joe Paterno, is making his players clean the stadium after all home games this year. Are you terrified this will give Bill Bidwill potential cost-saving ideas?
Johnson: Yes.

Drew: You play the z-slot. I heard Anquan Boldin is quite good at playing the v-slot, if you know what I mean.
Johnson: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The team’s 4th receiver is Michael Spurlock. How did he get into such great shape after eating all that McDonald’s shit?
Johnson: That was Morgan Spurlock.

Drew: Whatever. I think he totally was playing to the cameras in that movie anyway. What a douche. Any cum-stained garments in Chris Liwienski’s locker?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Is Marcel Shipp a painter? That’s a total painter name.
Johnson: No.

Drew: A mime?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your coach last season was Denny Green. I remember one of Green’s favorite sayings was, “Plan your work, and work your plan.” What other worthless, empty sayings did that fat fuck bestow upon you?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Coach Green enjoyed fishing quite a bit. Do you think Coach Green missed precious time to prepare for games while being cut out of his waders every morning?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Does Edgerrin James happen to enjoy the delicious, all-artificial flavor of Koolaid?
Johnson: I dunno.

Drew: Would you tell Keith Poole to go fuck himself for me? To go fuck himself hard and raw?
Johnson: Who’s that?

Drew: Never mind. Would you consider kissing me?
Johnson: No.

Drew: C’mon. I live at home and shit on towels. This would give me a little excitement for once.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Bryant, thanks for your time. Good luck this year.
Johnson: My pleasure.