Finally, a fackin’ day that recognizes me and my fackin’ Irish kin! I’ve had enough of these parades fah Arabs, and faggots, and chicks with lumps in their tits! THIS IS FINALLY OWUH TIME TO SHINE! Pogue Mahone, you fackin’ pussylickahs! Someone turn up that fackin’ House of Pain recuhd! I’m so fackin’ excited. I’m so fackin’ PROUD of who we ahhhhh!!!
(shows off shamrock tattoo on bicep)
I’m gonna go uht and get so fackin’ drunk, I won’t care whose vagina my finger ends up in! GET THE FACKIN’ SAWDUST READY FOR OW-UH APAHTMUNT FLOO-UH, SULLY!
I won’t lie to you faggots. It’s been a hahhhhd wintah up heah. I’m not sure we’re ovah the Pats’ loss here. But I know everyone out they-ah is pullin’ for us to get back on track and come back strawng as a fackin’ awx! I just know it in my hahhht! Tawmmy Brady and my boys let me down this go round. But I know they won’t do it again, or else I’ll fackin’ beat my Pakistani naybahhh with a gawddamn bicycle chain!
(plays Papa Roach record)
CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RE-SAWWWWWT!!!
Besides, I just know the Pats will win it all, and you know why?
BECAUSE JAWSH FACKIN’ BECKETT PITCHED WITH 70% AHHHM STRENGTH LAST WEEK YOU FACKIN’ FAGGOTS!
That’s right. It’s time for anuthah summah of Sawx dawminance. I know all of you can’t wait to see us lay some pipe to those Yankee faggots again. THIS ONE’S FOR THE UNDERDAWGS, HANK STEINBRENNAH! You’re just like your old man, assfuck. ONLY YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE OUT YAH DENTCHAHS TO SWAWLLOW A CAWK!
(pulls knit cap down just over eyes)
This is gonna be the greatest St. Patrick’s Day of all fackin’ time! My boy Paddy’s already set us up with wristbands for the day. ALL THE MILLER LITE YOU CAN DRINK FOR JUST $200! BEAT THAT, SHITBAWXES! I may even treat myself to a Guiness, and if the dahhhkie behind the countah doesn’t make a shamrawk in the foam, I’ll call the INS and have him deporrrrrted back to fackin’ DAHKIELAND!!!!!
I can’t wait to bust out my green Welkahhh jersey! I bought it for this very occasion. Then I’m gonna put on my Irish kilt and head out onto the street!
Now THIS is a street festival! No fackin’ $2 bowls of pad thai he-ah! Last time I ate that, my asshole turned black! STAWP POISONING OW-UH PEOPLE, YOU SLANTY STIR FRYERS! Yeah, it’s time for Patriot fans of Red Sawx Nation all over to celebrate they-ah gawddamn heritage! WE EARNED THIS RIGHT FOR ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH!
Ugh. Gawd. This might be the earliest I evah puked! THIS IS HOW CHAMPIONS PAHHHHTY, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!
I'm pretty sure I made out with this boy on Saturday night.
ReplyDeleteA remarkably subdued column from Tommy this time around. I can almost smell the regurgitated Tullamore Dew and pizza from here.
ReplyDeleteThe Papa Roach line was the tits.
ReplyDeleteNeeds a picture of some fat dude/chick with a "fuck me I'm Irish" shirt and a Mighty Mighty Bosstones reference, other than that this post makes today the best St. Patrick's day ever.
ReplyDeleteyes, I myself was wondering if Tommy had ever had to knock on wood.
ReplyDeletelooks like I didn't miss much at shamrockfest
ReplyDeleteI hate the fact that Papa Roach is my region's claim to "fame". Every "local scene" douchebag blindly supports them because if they can make it, maybe their screamo/rap metal band with a female lead singer can make it too.
ReplyDeleteOh, and after Saturday my asshole is reminding me why I should only eat corned beef once a year.
/shits everywhere.....everywhere.
wow that Steinbrenner line is genius, even as a yankee fan.
ReplyDeleteand if the dahhhkie behind the countah doesn’t make a shamrawk in the foam, I’ll call the INS and have him deporrrrrted back to fackin’ DAHKIELAND!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAs a black guy, I was interested to see where you were going with this. Let me say the destination was as good as the journey.
ROFLMAO!!!
Fucking awesome!!!! Drew, you outdid yourself. Made my St. Patrick's Day!
ReplyDeleteIs that creepy fat bald goateed douchebag in the kilt from Harold and Kumar? One of the X-treeeeme guys? Hmm...
ReplyDeleteWait, why would someone grab their ank--
ReplyDeleteOHHH.
@future
ReplyDeleteInsert ankle/Rick Ankiel joke..........[here]
AH CRAP
ReplyDeleteI sincerely doubt anybody up there has talked about the Patriots in weeks.
ReplyDeleteHey, I take pride that I'm more authentically Irish (barely) than Urkel.
ReplyDeleteyou do realize the pope officially changed st patricks day to last saturday, right?
ReplyDeleteI think its my god given duty to head down to my bar 2 blocks away and go do Tommy for Quinzee proud and drink myself into oblivion. Maybe even hook up with Mrs to teach her why someone should grab their ankles.
ReplyDelete/off to bar. fuck it if its only 1:00pm.
you do realize the pope officially changed st patricks day to last saturday, right?
ReplyDeleteDo I strike you as the kind of person who keeps tabs on or follows the edicts of that decrepit old asshole?
What do you mean sucks when it falls on a monday? i've been drinking green beer all weekend, what's that? yeah i know it's miller lite but FUCK YOU! i'm irish and i'm gonna act like a drunk fool and this weekend/monday no one can say shit
ReplyDeletehell today's the one day i wouldn't mind being up with tommy from quinzee...well almost wouldn't mind
Dahnavahn McNabb???
ReplyDeleteHow da fack can a dahkie have an Irish name? Me and Wes Welkahhh are goin ovah ta his house and fackin' ask him aftah I finish my Guinness.
@ dick_gozinia - How'd a dakie get an irish name, fackin stole it like evrythin' else he got.
ReplyDeleteOuch.
ReplyDeleteI was at Shamrockfest also, but thankfully not with the people pictured above. Was it a waste of money? Probably, but I love green beer, and the one band we actually went to see not only kicked ass, but Russell Crowe came out and performed with them for the encore, which was cool, if a little random.
ReplyDelete@85 - Haven't seen a Pats jersey/hat up here since then.
ReplyDeleteShocking. It's Sawx season, ya queeeah.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure the Great Spider overturned the pope's decision. So sayth the Spider
ReplyDeleteHaha, its true, we're so lame! Excuse me well I go get shitfaced with my best friends sully, fitz, fitz, sully, fitzy, patty, big fitz, sully, fitz, and brian.
ReplyDelete@tebucky... Dude, you got invited to that party too?
ReplyDelete@tebucky jones
ReplyDeleteIs Brian's last name O'Sullivan?
@futuremrsrickankiel.. that could be any party in the boston metro area, but yeah, i'll be there.
ReplyDelete@dick-gozinia...
No its Fitzgerald, why?
fuck you shamrock fest. thanks for running out of beer as soon as i showed up. altho i did have a lovely time using your port o potties.
ReplyDeletegood to see from those photos that boston chicks' asses are just as dumpy as ever.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to point out that my train (which leaves around 8:20 am) was delayed like 20 minutes this morning because they had to call the cops to remove drunken rowdy assholes from the train. I stopped being a fan of st. patricks day as soon as i stopped being the obnoxious drunk.
ReplyDelete@pemulis
ReplyDeleteYou know what's worse, the "What are you doing out, you're not Irish? Jokes, really you slouth, how'd you figure out that I wasnt irish? I know I'm black, but I had a green shirt on and everything. Meanwhile Moses Goldjewawitz, gets by unscathed.
I'm not one to play the race card, but that shit is annoying.
What, no mention of the Celtics?
ReplyDelete@kendynamo: What time did you get there? We were still refilling our plastic mugs at 7:00.
ReplyDelete@ wormfather.
ReplyDeleteI guess my best advice is to remind yourself of whom the people who are being douchebags to you are - ie drunken retards. Also, tell yourself that Moses Goldjewawitz will get his comeuppance, because that guys a dick.
late - probably after that but im not sure. they also may have still been technically serving beer at that point and we were just too stupid to figure out how to get any.
ReplyDelete@wormfather
ReplyDeletebut everybody is irish on st. patty's day! Wait, did I say Irish, I meant drunk and annoying... but if you can't beat them, join them... and then beat them.
Suffocation! No Breathing!
ReplyDeleteThat's gotta be the stupidest fackin' line in Rock n' Roll history.
Papa Roach sucks.
@Ben: The Celtics? Nah, faaaawk the Celts, fack they-ah daaaahrkie players, and fack they-ah spook coach, too! Dem gawddamn Celts been dead to us real Baaaaaahston fans since Bird, McHale, Bill Walton and Danny Ainge was playin'. Fack dem tall daaahrkies, especially that big one, Kevin Gaaaaaaaaaahrnett! If dey don't win the NBA championship, I'll call the fackin' INS and get dem deporrrrrrrrrrrrted back to fackin' DAHRKIELAND!!!
ReplyDelete/impression of an impression
//How can someone get deported to Baltimore?
I know all of you can’t wait to see us lay some pipe to those Yankee faggots again. THIS ONE’S FOR THE UNDERDAWGS, HANK STEINBRENNAH! You’re just like your old man, assfuck. ONLY YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE OUT YAH DENTCHAHS TO SWAWLLOW A CAWK!
ReplyDeleteTruer words have never been spoken. But I think you stole that from my priest's sermon yesterday.
With all the musical references, I'm surprised Dropkick Murphies appeared NOWHERE in this article.
ReplyDeleteAs a man of irish heritage, lemme just say...
ReplyDelete"You gawt us FAWKIN' pegged, brah!"
SULLL! MURFFF! AWWWW FAAHHHK!
ReplyDelete-The sounds of Boston on Monday night.
@j.l.
ReplyDelete//How can someone get deported to Baltimore?
Is there any other way to arrive there?