At long last, we address the all-important middle seeds and a key NFL demographic: bellicose white guys with guns. Can the Cowboy's six-shooter make quick word of the summer soldier, found of standing in straight rows in the path of artillery or can the Patriot bayonet him in the dick faster than Horace Greeley told him to go west? WHO YA GOT?
Contestants
Cowboy__________Patriot
Fueled by
Xenophobia_________Jingoism
Namesake for song from
Kid Rock________Company Flow
Hat
10 gallon_________Tri-corner
Secret shame
Forgot Alamo_______Didn't mind Stamp Tax
Handy with
Rope, cattle_______Periwig, chamber pot
Fights
Redskins_________Redcoats
Preferred epithet for blacks
Kneegrah________Daaahkie
Finishing move
Romanticize stupid profession___Write purposefully open-ended Constitution
Cowboy__________Patriot
Fueled by
Xenophobia_________Jingoism
Namesake for song from
Kid Rock________Company Flow
Hat
10 gallon_________Tri-corner
Secret shame
Forgot Alamo_______Didn't mind Stamp Tax
Handy with
Rope, cattle_______Periwig, chamber pot
Fights
Redskins_________Redcoats
Preferred epithet for blacks
Kneegrah________Daaahkie
Finishing move
Romanticize stupid profession___Write purposefully open-ended Constitution
The "can't vote to kill ledger" tag makes me cry tears of shame-filled guilty joy. Bra-vo Ape.
ReplyDeleteI personally think the Joker could kick both those guys' asses.
ReplyDeletei can't in good conscience vote positively for the Cowboys or the Patriots.... if they had played in the Super Bowl, i would've had to watch Animal Planet
ReplyDeleteI'll take prescription drugs, please.
ReplyDeletePush?
ReplyDeleteledger v ledger, eh?
ReplyDeleteNFL Mascot Pills Pills Pills?
John Wayne vs Mel Gibson. I'm taking John Wayne.
ReplyDeleteWTF? Why do these 2 teams have to be a first round matchup? I hate them both more than words can possibly convey. Tommy from Quinzee vs. Double J? Can I just vote for a nuclear device to explode right there in the Octagon and completely eviscerate everything in sight. With a gun to my head I'd have to vote for the Crotchboys if for no other reason than it's been a nice few weeks without the bandwagon Patriot fans polluting this sight. If they won even one matchup, you know they'll be back.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first matchup that I ignored logic and voted out of pure hatred. And that hatred burns hotter for the Cowboys.
ReplyDeleteDon't cry for me Chris, the truth is I never left you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I voted for the Cowboy, seeing as he's my go to whenever I play Cowboy/Ninja/Bear.
Yes, but the Patriot has a musket with a bayonet. THAT'S A KNIFE TIED TO A GUN. Even Ray Lewis is envious of that advance in modern weaponry. On those grounds, I'm voting Patriot.
ReplyDelete@savy ferd: thank you for making my day/month/life
ReplyDeleteAnd once again the pictures are affecting my vote.... gay cowboy vs not so bad patriot acting job?
I vote for smallpox.
ReplyDeletePatriots = 1776
ReplyDeleteCowboys = 1876
I'll take a six shooter over a musket that fires once every 30 seconds any day.
This is exactly why the Patriots should switch to Patriot missiles instead. There would be no debate.
ReplyDeleteIs this taking place bare-knuckle? Or can they use guns? If it's bare-knuckle I'm taking the Patriot; I saw Mel Gibson take those Brits in that creek bed. But there's no way in fuck I can take a musket over a Winchester Model 1873 in a gun battle.
Yes, but the Patriot has a musket with a bayonet. THAT'S A KNIFE TIED TO A GUN.
ReplyDeleteWhich is only useful for picking the bullet from a six-shooter out of your leg. And arm. And heart. And even then it's kind of hard to keep it steady while you're bleeding to death because you stuck your fucking knife on the end of a gun.
@futuremrs.
ReplyDeletea bayonet may be a knife tied to a gun but whenever i hold a gun that's a gun tied to a gun, suck on that ray lewis
that said, fuck both of them, two great symbols ruined by their teams
Are we using the same tank from the tiger vs. dolphin match? It's deep enough to drown the cowboy, right?
ReplyDeleteJust checking.
I've seen Deadwood, and the only thing those people drink is, dirty water, 5 cent whiskey shots, and blood.
ReplyDeletePatriots started a war over tea.
Gotta vote for the Patriot here cause he reps Company Flow. El-P is white so I guess its ok.
ReplyDeleteCan you do a .357 with a bayonet?
ReplyDelete@Bambi & Future Mrs. -
ReplyDeleteSomewhere in this episode it talks about how the bayonet is shit and you shouldn't use it. At least I think it's this episode.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thdRj9SRO2I
Ahem:
ReplyDelete18th and 19th century military tactics included various massed bayonet charges and defenses. The Russian Army used the bayonet the most frequently in any Napoleonic conflict. Their motto was "The Bullet is foolish, the Bayonet wise"
The Patriot is a man of war, sirs. The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots. No contest here.
@Chris
ReplyDeleteBite Me
Pats
die Cowboys
A lot of cowboys were men who'd fought and survived the Civil War so...yeah they were kinda men of war too. And by this point in time in the 19th century the bayonet was useless. Rifling had made firearms much more accurate and deadly and despite generals such as Stonewall Jackson promising to "give them steel," bayonet injuries and deaths were exceedingly rare. Then after the Civil War, cowboys were around, and sissy bayonets didn't scare them.
ReplyDeletePlus, winter, lice, and disease killed far more Frenchmen than any Russian bayonets.
ReplyDeleteYou wanna take this outside?
ReplyDeleteis that an offer or a threat?
ReplyDeletei voted cowboy simply for the hope that he'll end up pitted against either the redskin or the chief
ReplyDeleteThe most frequently used military weapon was also, at one time, a rock.
ReplyDeleteThe Patriot is a man of war, sirs. The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots. No contest here.
ReplyDeleteThere it is. I can't quit you Enis.
@futuremrs
ReplyDelete"The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots."
ok FIRST OF ALL
leather chaps and coats and hats are awesome: see the character Charlie Prince in the latest 3:10 to Yuma he's a major badass
there is no second of all, actually
/hates inability to count arguments
WHATEVER 19-0 BAYBEEEEEE
ReplyDelete...fuck.
Vote for the Patriot, you vindictive douches.
"The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots."
ReplyDeleteas opposed to barefooted patriots getting frost bite? i'll take some fruity boots
...and i'm not voting for either JJ and BB can both go get DP'ed
Can I pretend that Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday (as portrayed in Tombstone) are cowboys? If so, I vote for them because they are fucking badasses. If not, I am a Constitution nerd and maker of laws, so I have to go with the Patriot.
ReplyDeletebelt buckles > shoe buckles
ReplyDeletesix shooters > muzzle loaders
bowie knife > bayonet
chaps = high socks (both gay)
And yet, I can never vote for the Cowboys to win. Go Patriots!
/but reserves his right to future vindictive douche-ing
I'm pulling for elimintating the Cowboys just so we can get to the ontological fuckstorm that Chiefs v. Redskins would cause.
ReplyDelete"But he's a Chief, but a Redskin is way more racist which means white people fear them more."
Where would the "Nigerian Nightmare" Christian Okaye fit in? Does 'redskin' include sunburnt white people in Chantilly?
I need answers.
the patriot got my vote just for the use of "Daaahkie"
ReplyDeletegotta be the sixshooter
ReplyDeleteCowboys it is
My great-grandfather, James L. Shoemake, who was quarter-Cherokee, worked as a ranch hand for a while in far West Texas when he was a young man in the 1890s. Later, he worked for Customs along the Mexican border and fought bandits during the Pancho Villa time; his partner was shot dead beside him. My mom is still in touch with their family.
ReplyDeleteI'm betting on him against any pussy from Massachussetts.
Shit, this is like choosing between AIDS and cancer. Whoever wins almost certainly losses in the second round. Cowboys are dirty, racist assholes. Patriots are dirty, racist assholes. But the Cowboys are divisional rivals and I never want them to win a single fucking thing. Pats it is. Best of all, it'll put me in good with thefuturemrs. in the unlikely event she reads this. Call me, baby.
ReplyDelete