Someone asked me the other day if Halloween was an actual holiday and I told them to go punch the clown. Well, I didn't actually say that. The conversation actually went more like this:
He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],
Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What's up?
He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you--
Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.
He: No, seriously, it's gotta be a real--
Me: Did we get the day off?
He: Uh...Well, no, but--
Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?
He: (frustrated) No, but...
Me: But what, Chad?
He: ...But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.
Me: Why don't you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he'll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.
He: (leaves)
Yeah, so unless you're under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I'll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we'd have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow's Eve. We'll get you started--yes, we listed a couple guys twice--and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:
Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse
Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos
Joe Gibbs - Marty Schottenheimer
San Diego Chargers - New Orleans Saints
Orlando Pace - 1950 Ford Edsel
Reggie Wayne - Detective Ricardo Tubbs
Jeff Garcia - Templeton from Charlotte's Web
Eli Manning - Peyton Manning
Archie Manning - Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning - Olivia Manning
Jeremy Shockey - Amy Winehouse
Chad Pennington - Reed Richards
Jim Sorgi - Matt Ufford
Bill Belichick - Allen Funt
Daniel Snyder - Frodo Baggins
Mike Holmgren - William Howard Taft
Quincy Carter - Eddie Murphy's character from 48 Hours
T. J. Houshmanzadeh - Eddie Murphy's character in Coming To America
Jeff Garcia - Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the "girls"
Ben Roethlisberger - Placido Polanco
Mike Ditka - Joseph Stalin
Brady Quinn - Sarah Jessica Parker
Julius Jones - Thing 2
Mike Vrabel - Jake Gyllenhaal
Jeff George - Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite
Matt Leinart - Glenn Quagmire
Larry Fitzgerald - Matt Leinart
Roger Goodell - Richard M. Nixon
Gene Upshaw - Kunta Kinte
Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy
Herm Edwards - Worf
Tom Coughlin - Tom Coughlin
Kellen Clements - Baby Jesus
Purple Jesus - A grape-flavored deity of his choice
Peter King - Deanna Favre
Chad Johnson -- Keyshawn Johnson
Vinny Testeverde - A styrofoam cup in a landfill
Halloween isn't a holiday but the Friday/Saturday closest to the 31st is. Boobies and booze, that's exactly how my bible defines a holiday.
ReplyDeleteCorey Dillon's neck - a Sharpee
ReplyDeleteJared Lorenzen - Farva from Super Troopers
Tom Brady - Lieutenant Dan
ReplyDeleteThis, of course, after Dwight Freeney catches him on the way home tonight and gives a cheap shot to his kneecaps, collects the $50 and Reese's, all while doing America a great service.
Tony Kornheiser - Brett Favre's jock strap
ReplyDeleteShaun Alexander - Tiki Barber, after chugging four bottles of Nyquil
Tavaris Jackson - Randall Cunningham
ReplyDelete(mostly in the hopes that he will get struck by lightning and turn into Randall Cunningham)
JP Losman - Mr. Bill from SNL
jim sorgi - wesley crusher?
ReplyDeleteTom Brady - Son of a Bitch
ReplyDeleteMike Shanahan - The rat from that Charlotte's Web cartoon
Cleo Lemon - Lime
Tohy Siragusa - A refrigerator
ReplyDeleteAndy Reid will be going as Mike Holmgrem...dressed as William Howard Taft.
ReplyDeleteBrady Quinn - Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz
ReplyDeleteChad Pennington - Kellen Clemens
Eric Mangini - Bill Belicheck
Bill Belicheck - himself
yah nothing is gonna beat Jeff George as Uncle Rico, although T.J. Housh as Prnce Akeem would be close.
ReplyDeleteAl Davis- Emperor Palpatine
ReplyDeleteOh wait, no need to dress up, they're the same person.
The Jets - A real NFL Team
ReplyDeleteHey, Brady Quinn is way prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker.
ReplyDeleteNo homo.
Kellen Winslow - Coast Guardsman
ReplyDeleteCarson Palmer - Carson Palmer circa 2005
Derek Anderson - Tony Romo
Brian Leonard - Brian Leonard in blackface
Joe Buck - Joseph Smith
ReplyDeleteWes Welker - Giselle Bundchen
Bob Saunders -- Fred "The Hammer" Williamson
ReplyDeleteBrian Urlacher -- Beldar Conehead
Rex Grossman -- Tony Romo
Mike Tirico -- Bryan Gumbel
Shannon Sharpe -- Jar Jar Binks (same as last year, and the year before0
Travis Henry - Ricky Williams
ReplyDeleteJerry Jones - Yosemite Sam
I don't know which one should be more offended by the Shockey-Winehouse comparison, but it's brilliant.
ReplyDeleteAs for Quincy Carter, anyone who's heard him "speak" knows that his natural costume is Mushmouth from the Fat Albert crew.
Travis Henry - Early Shawn Kemp
ReplyDeleteDeAngelo Hall - Michael Vick
Alex Rodriguez - Derek Jeter
Derek Jeter - Muscle Bound Female Stripper
Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy
ReplyDeleteActually, LTCG is already a costume. The guy who plays him is a middle-class suburbanite from Nebraska who went to private school as a kid. It's basically a redneck variation on blackface minstrelsy.
Anyway, if Kitna could be anyone, it'd probably be Joseph of Aramathea.
Ray Lewis - Northern Colorado back-up punter?
ReplyDeleteLarry Johnson - Louis Farrakhan
ReplyDelete(word verification = gaeefhvv...gay favre?
Jon Kitna went as Joe Cullen to the Lions Halloween party.
ReplyDeleteThat's right, he dressed as the naked coach, and his wife came dressed as Wendy's.
Broderick Bunkley -- Ultimate Hulk
ReplyDeleteDonovan McNabb -- Job(from the Book of Job)
Tom Brady -- Helen of Troy
Chad Pennington -- Raggedy Andy
Trent Green -- Glass Joe
Isiah Thomas -- Bishop Don "Magic" Juan
Jerry Jones -- Texas Oil Man from the Simpsons
Marv Albert -- Duff Man
Romeo Crennel -- Grimace from McDonaldland
ReplyDeletePats Fans -- Peter Griffin
ReplyDeleteRomeo Crennel -- Cleveland from Family Guy
Tomo Romo -- Chazz Reinhold (I'm just livin' the dream)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGregg Easterbrook- Reverand Lovejoy
ReplyDeleteor the Cat Lady
Mike McCarthy- Big Moose from the Archie Comics
Roy Williams (WR, Det) - George Costanza
ReplyDelete"There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Reggie Hammonds" - Q.Carter
Jerome Bettis - Moderately priced fuel efficient vehicle.
ReplyDeleteJim Sorgi -- McLovin
ReplyDeleteJason Garrett -- Hannibal Lecter
Peter King -- Jabba the Hutt
Uncle Rico thinks Jeff George is a pathetic has-been
ReplyDeleteMike Tomlin -- Omar Epps. He's a Steeler, he doesn't dress up.
ReplyDeleteTony Dungy -- Ted Haggard
Quinn Gray -- Byron Leftwich
ReplyDeleteI must disagree with your contention that Halloween isn't a true holiday. It's one of my favorite days of the year! What other day do otherwise stuck up, buttoned down princesses dress like complete whores and get drunk?
ReplyDeleteAre you kidding me? I'll send video for you from the party I'm going to tonight.
Kevin Everett - Robocop
ReplyDeleteColts fans - Douchebags
ReplyDeletePatriots fans - Dr. Kevorkian patients
Brady Quinn, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
ReplyDeleteI just so happened to prepare my comment last week.
ReplyDeletehttp://svpstyle.blogspot.com/2007/10/halloween-in-baltimore-washington-area.html
Brady- Pitcher
ReplyDeleteWelker- Catcher
Belichick- Porn Videographer
Laurence Maroney- The mascot of a certain tasty drink combining sugar with a pre-packaged powder mixture. Just add water...
Eric Mangini: Woodward & Bernestein (he's big enough to be two people)
ReplyDeleteSteven Jackson - Joey Buttafuco's dick.
Willis McGahee (however you spell his fucking name): Mark Rypien (while he's making friends in Buffalo and all)
Ray Lewis - Michael Vick
Michael Vick - Rae Carruth
Rae Carruth - Richard Ramirez
LaDanian Tomlinson - little boy with matchbook
ReplyDeleteBellichick - Dead as I skull fuck him
ReplyDeleteBill Simmons would love to go as the lovechild of Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla. In fact, he'll talk all about it on his latest podcast!
ReplyDeleteWell, its a fucking holiday at my house..its the kid's birthday. Which btw, made it easy to remember since I am bad with dates.
ReplyDeleteSteely McBeam -- Gayton Manning
ReplyDeleteJohn Edwards -- Laura Bush
Tony Romo - Mario Lopez minus the 'roids
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos? Brilliant!
ReplyDeletemY birthday, too
ReplyDeleteso i consider it a holiday, therefore:
Pam Oliver-my necklace
JOe bukk- the voyeuristic cuckold, just like on the other 364
wv: xrazy. no doubt.
I hear tell Steve McNair and Kyle Boller are going trick-or-treating as a team. They're supposed to dress up as a useful offensive unit, but I don't believe that. There's no costume in the world that could make those two look useful.
ReplyDeleteMichelle Tafoya = Suzy Kolber
ReplyDeleteME = Joe Namath
ReplyDelete... I do really have an office...
ReplyDeleteSorry, Punter, that stall in the men's room doesn't count.
elisha manning - cooper manning
ReplyDelete