We had no less than four readers email us this morning with messages all essentially saying the same thing:
“Jesus Christ. Read this Peter King quote. Just read it. Holy shit.”
What killed me is that each reader had selected a different passage from King’s column to single out. So, it’s not as if King is being hopelessly inane once or twice per column. This man is remarkably consistent in his silliness. And, to a certain extent, you have to appreciate that.
Anyhow, reader Charles G. writes in:
KSKers,
I know making fun of Peter King is too easy, but the quote below kills me. You have to make fun of this.
Now, I’m going to show you the quote. But before you read it, I suggest you stuff a maxipad in your pants and close your office door. You may find yourself in a laughing stupor so severe they need to call the paddy wagon. Are you ready? No, really. Are you ready? Okay, here it is. Under MVP Watch:
"3. Tony Romo, QB, Dallas. Is it my imagination, or does Romo lead the league in smiling?"
Holy shit. I’m just… I can’t… I can barely breathe… smiling… Romo… holy ballsack… Sweet Lord. I think I love this man for all the amusement he provides. Yes, Peter. I’m quite sure Romo leads the league in smiling. It's not your imagination, though I shudder at what kind of fucked-up training room fantasy that part of your brain is currently dreaming up. Romo probably just barely edges out Brett Favre in that department. But Favre does lead the league in laughing, so that makes for a neck-and-neck MVP race. Did you know Peyton Manning leads the league in intensity? And that Tom Brady leads the league in smoldering? It’s true.
I watched Football Night in America last night, and the one thing I noticed about King on TV was that all of his reports follow the same formula, which is:
King: I called Rob Bironas last night, and I said, “Hey, how’s it feel to break the single-game field goal record?” Know what he told me, Bob? “Gee, I didn’t even realize I broke it until now!” Amazing!
So, to recap: King calls Player/Coach X, asks them how it felt to do Y, then lets Bob know Player/Coach X’s response. Like so:
King: Hello, Tony? Peter King here.
Romo: Hi, Peter.
King: Hey, how’s it feel to lead the league in smiling?
Romo: In smiling?
King: Yeah, I charted it all out. You smile way more than Joey Porter! How’s that feel?
Romo: Uh. Good. I guess.
King: (scribbling furiously) Can I quote you on that? This is great stuff!
Romo: Sure.
So, yeah. Tony Romo. Great passer. But an even better smiler. Good job, Peter. You are truly doing the Lord’s work.
Eli leads the league in Befuddled looks.
ReplyDeleteBonus points for the Shanice tag
ReplyDeleteBut ESPN the Mag told me that Willie Parker leads the league in smiling? Did Romo overtake him in Week 7?
ReplyDeleteand here i thought romo was always smirking, learn something new every day
ReplyDeleteand where's kitna's love for leading the league in times healed by God so he could win the game?
Who leads the league in frowning ?
ReplyDeleteI'm think Rothlisberger or Bulger after yesterdays performances.
That's because Mike Tomlin only let Parker smile four times in the first quarter against the team that was leading the league in smiles allowed.
ReplyDelete/not smiling
At this point, calling Peter King gay is an insult to every drag queen, leather fetishist, Richard Simmons, power bottom, Buccaneer QB, interior decorator, twink and Broadway fan on Earth. Tony Romo better fill his ass with caulk before PK rapes him.
ReplyDelete/pun intended
Are you kidding me? Everybody knows that Hines Ward leads the league in smiling.
ReplyDeletebut hines ward is korean and once you convert from the South Korean Won to the American Dollar you realize his smile only equals .001092 US smiles
ReplyDelete(actual exchange rate)
In the paragraph before the quote, I thought, "Wow, this must be pretty ridiculous." Let me tell you, my expectations were more than exceeded after I read the actual quote.
ReplyDeletetrent green - leading the league in blank stares and drool.
ReplyDelete@upstate u-dog: rothlisberger still leads the league in 'O' faces.
ReplyDelete@ the great bambi: +1
ReplyDeleteSo does Dr. Z control the Smile Power Rankings from week to week? I need to get that information immediately so I can properly set my roster for next week.
Oh and brilliant pulling that Shanice reference out of nowhere BDD, +10.
Fuck Peter King, he called purple Jesus ballyhooed. Blasphemy!
ReplyDelete"trent green - leading the league in blank stares and drool."
ReplyDeleteHahahaha. That's awesome.
Travis Henry leads the league in o-faces, Ken. He's got the proof too.
That's right, Mike...
ReplyDeletethough I think Big Ben does manage to lead the league in re-constructed faces.
4. Brett Favre, QB, Green Bay. On his bye Sunday, Favre did not chart any passes. My guess is he spent a long time cutting the grass, edging the front lawn where it meets the state highway in front of his house in Mississippi, then, for fun, watching the History Channel until he fell asleep.
ReplyDeleteFor some strange reason, I don't think that was actually a guess.
@grimey-
ReplyDelete"Interesting fact about Brett Farve- when he sleeps in his brown leather Barcalounger, he tends to curl up on his right side. Also, you can totally see into the bathroom right off of kitchen from the window at the back of the Farve house if you squat down low behind the bushes on the south side of the house..."
@grungedave
ReplyDeleteif only someone would man up and help Tom Brady lead the league in reconstructed knees
I wonder what "Really Drew Bledsoe" over on tonyhomo.com thinks of this...
ReplyDeleteclearly hines ward leads the league in smiling, although he hasn't been his usual ray of sunshine this season. perhaps he no longer feels the need to counter bill cowher's permanently frowning-grimace.
ReplyDeleteromo and brady lead the league in dimples and butt-chins, respectively.
I was irate when I saw the word "ballyhooed," in reference to Peterson. I almost smashed my monitor. Perhaps it's time to ease up on the whiskey.
ReplyDeleteI guess Romo is always smiling because his balls are in Peter King's mouth. I would assume he will affix himself to the "hot" quarterback like a remora and huff until the next one comes along.
ReplyDeleteJerry Jones must be thrilled to hear this news.
ReplyDeleteIn actuality, west coasters know that Shaun Alexander leads the league in smiling, averaging a hefty 7.2 smiles per carry, almost tripling his yds/carry. And his Jesus rating is in the 100s as well. Eat it, Kitna.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part of seeing king on TV is the way he uses his hands while he talks. Once I noticed, it's all I see.
ReplyDeleteI once talked to Hines Ward. He bought two Jesus statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy. Ever see that face on him? Like a biiiig apple pie.
ReplyDeleteIn Friday's Simmons column, I'm sure he'll respond that Brady would be leading the league in smiles except Miami and Mangini conspired to fuck over the Pats by interfering with Brady's dentist appointment.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, this was not very funny.
ReplyDelete(leaves room shaking head in disappointment)
Smiling? The best (worst?)there is on PK is that he wrote that Romo leads the league in smiling? Maybe we should stick to Bill Simmons for awhile...
(waits for tomatoes to be thrown)
He also leads the league in biggest hugs...
ReplyDeleteTodd Marinovich - still leading the league in bleeding gums and rotted out teeth
ReplyDelete"You smile way more than Joey Porter!"
ReplyDeleteMob hit victims smile way more than Joey Porter.