KSK Mini-Gamebook: KSK Keeper League Fantasy Draft

Some highlights from last night’s KSK keeper league draft. You can take a look at the results here if you are so inclined.

-Last night’s draft (pictured above!) was done entirely via conference call, with 6 of us in DC calling in from the lovely Buffalo Billiards in DuPont Circle (where else would you expect a Gay Mafia to congregate?). And if you thought conference calls with your sales team were a complete clusterfuck, try drafting on the phone with 14 other assholes shouting out joke names like “RICK ANKIEL!”. No wait, Leitch actually drafted him.

-UM picked players who had already been drafted on two separate occasions. Each time, I cried out, “Party foul!” and made an L on my forehead, which might make me the biggest douchebag in recorded history. I was also wearing a pink shirt.

-Biggest gaffe of the night: Jamie Mottram taking Carson Palmer in Round 2, then Tom Brady in Round 3. And that’s before he started drinking. I blame the fact that Mottram wore a Smoot jersey to the draft. When you wear a Smoot jersey, you want two of everything.

-UM tried to pull a fast (and some might dare say Jewy?) one by drafting Darren McFadden with his final pick. You’ve never seen someone so thoroughly exalt in their own cleverness. He was shouted down like the retard that he is. He’ll be drafting Cody Paul next year.

-One of my favorite things to do during a draft is to shout out, “That’s a horrible pick” any time someone who is not me selects. I think it really lends an air of professionalism to the whole proceeding.

-Sarah, our contest winner, promised she wouldn’t draft like a girl. And yet, the evidence is clear: she totally drafted like a girl, constantly asking who had been taken, drafting a D too early, doing everyone else a favor by taking Cadillac Williams (the player no one wanted to draft), and drafting Jared fucking Lorenzen (and not even in the last round!). But she did draft Rex Grossman. She’ll be pregnant by October.

-I was gonna have taquitos at the bar last night, but I audibled to wings at the very last second. It seemed almost heretical to NOT order wings during a football draft.

-My favorite pastime during this draft was to get my hopes up for one particular player falling my way, only to have him taken a few picks earlier, then getting on the phone and screaming FUCK YOU to whoever picked him. I didn’t get why these people in front of me kept taking players with good value. Fucking dicks. Sometimes, the shoe was on the other foot and I took someone who was coveted by another. I got two FUCK YOUs myself, and that was really rewarding.

-No one except for Punter realized until the middle of the draft that our league only starts one RB. Rob Iracane, who drafted 3 RB’s in the first four rounds, would probably like a do-over.

-I drafted Bernard Berrian. I wonder if he’s Armenian.

-For half the conference call, some kid screamed bloody murder in the background. Apparently this was emanating from the bodega / refugee shelter / crack-house where Sarah was making her “picks.”

-I reached for Adrian Peterson in Round 2. And you know what? I don’t mind. It’s a keeper league, and I’m about to go All Day on everyone’s asses for the next decade. WOO HOO, bitches!