(photo courtesy of the AP)
A Random Number of Fast Facts About the Giants
-Eli Manning is such a pussy that team trainers give him a precautionary Feline AIDS test bi-weekly
-Shocking but true: Defensive back Aaron Ross has two first names
-Steve Smith isn't that Steve Smith, he's the other Steve Smith
-Amani Toomer is benign; dressed in rags
-Osi Umenyiora is Nigerian for, "Expires After Contract Year"
-Michael Strahan videotaped his wife's sister getting naked but he really had his eye on her boyfriend
-Tom Coughlin refuses to deny the rumors surrounding his affiliation with the Fourth Reich
-Steve Mara once castrated a five year-old for wearing an Eagles jersey in his presence
-Wellington Mara is producing Biggie and Pac's new duets album
-Ernie Accorsi tried to tag along with Tiki Barber at Good Morning America but the producers felt he was more "ugly" ugly than "tv" ugly.
-Brandon Jacobs and Ruben Droughns take bites of Ahmad Bradshaw when they need a snack between meals.
-Chris Snee is cheating on Tom Coughlin's daughter with Tom Coughlin's wife and the whole family is secretly dating Jeremy Shockey
If you are one of those contemptible "fans" of the Giants you might want to check out Roger Director's upcoming book I Dream In Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants. It offers a unique look at the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family, and career. If you have an unhealthy love of the Giants you're bound to commiserate with Director as he follows the team throughout the tortuous and occasional tragic 2006 season. And as a Redskins fan I have a whole new book full of reasons to hate those blue-clad ass-clowns. It's easily the second best thing Director has written; he's also responsible "The Client's Best Interest" which was one of the truly great episodes of Arli$$.
Robert Wuhl is a national treasure and fuck you for saying otherwise!
Sinorice Moss: not that moss, and no, not that other moss either, the other other moss
ReplyDeletewhat is the over/under on the number of times Berman mentions the fact that Zak DeOssie played at Brown ?
ReplyDeleteDeOssie has potential to ruin telecasts based on a) Brown references and b) people not shutting up about how old man strahan played with both steve and zak deossie
ReplyDeletein other news, strahan can now fit eli manning in between his front teeth
k-rock, if Strahan doesn't play we won't have to worry about it.
ReplyDeleteIsn't A Fan's Notes by Frederick Exely already a classic look at "the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family and career"?
ReplyDeleteAssuming "career" means "alcoholism", of course.
Not only is Steve Smith not THAT Steve Smith, he's not even the other Steve Smith, either. He's also not any of the three Moss kids listed above.
ReplyDeleteHe should really think about changing his name. To Eddie Johnson.
The New York Giants that play in Jersey
ReplyDeleteAs a Redskin fan who lives in New Jersey, I loved this post.
ReplyDeletebeaver, last I checked the over/under was at 2,587.
ReplyDeleteI'm taking the over.
Not listed - Jeremy Shockey's favorite sports movie is Madea's Family Reunion...
ReplyDeleteHow many times do we need to hear "The New York FOOTBALL Giants?" As if the New York BASEBALL Giants never left the Polo Grounds and are still playing baseball in between the housing project buildings?
ReplyDeletegood point J4B. Sure 50 years ago you might have had to say the NY football Giants, but that was, um, 50 years ago. Just more douchiness from Berman.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that I want Strahan to return, only to have his knee blow out when Portis jukes the SHIT out of him?
ReplyDeleteNo? Good
That "Football Giants" thing is annnoying as hell. EVERY damn time I have to sit through a Giants game (Thank you Comcast for, still, only show local games in the largest city in the world) my wife will declare that the "New York FOOT-BALL Giants" are going to win.
ReplyDeleteMy common response is that they are going to take a FEC-AL turd on the playing field they way they always do.
@ John S
ReplyDeleteIf I were you, I really wouldnt mention that I was either a Redskins fan or from Jersey. Sounds like a pretty rough life
Yeah, if Steve Smith wants some instant notoriety, he needs to change his name to Eddie Griffin or Jason Williams.
ReplyDelete@k-rock
ReplyDeleteActually, Jersey is not what you probably think it is. With respect to the Redskins, well, there is always next year.
@ John S
ReplyDeletei drove the turnpike once and had to keep my windows up because i dont enjoy the smell of sewage. I figured the rest of the state smelled that way
To be fair to the guy, he's probably REQUIRED to say "football Giants" by the team/network/powers that be. He probably gets e-mails and phone calls from lawyers every time he fails to say "football Giants."
ReplyDeleteWould anyone care to hear selections from the Dallas Cowboys Preview brochure I received in the mail? There's perspective from the owner and general manager, a Q&A with Wade, etc. 4/C, 12 pages. I wish I had 1/100 of the money this thing cost to produce.
@k-rock
ReplyDeleteA very common experience and conclusion one that is very wrong.
The turnpike pases through the most highly industrialized portion of the state and has not only Liberty Aairport, but, the Elizabeth Seaport to contribute to its lack of appeal.
The thing is... all the high density industrial buildings are concentrated right in that area, which, if you think about it, kind of makes sense.
I hate to go completely off-topic, but did anyone see any of the game on Sunday? Please tell me Bryant Gumbel was not in the booth.
ReplyDeletebrad, maybe you shouldn't read the next post.
ReplyDeletebeaverfever, I just threw up in my mouth in anticipation.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to watching the Giants every Sunday. I am sure that they will be a good team. I like Eli, he is nice. Coach Tom is a little strict sometimes. I like that they have a fashion designer and a glass man at wide receivers. It should be a fun season.
ReplyDeleteFuuuuuuckkkkkkkk.
Thank god I can go to a diner near my house which has 7 plasma screens and the NFL package. Hangover Mondays, here I come!!
The Giants do lead the league in Owner's Gorgeous Granddaughters
ReplyDeleteSFW
Not to be argumentative, but I sure as shit like the giants over the sorry Skins this year.
ReplyDeleteAND (@ Hustler) I know Portis won't be juking out anyone with knee tendinitis.
Hey when Portis goes on the IR again, which nerdy ass character will he be. DR. Douche Bag, Professor OverRated, or Carl Pavano. Also when he breaks Strahan's ankles will he have his madden level set to easy?
ReplyDeleteBryan, I don't know what kind of revisionist history you've been reading but Clinton Portis has never been on IR.
ReplyDeleteIn five years he's missed 12 games (8 last year).
I think the reason so many of my fellow Giants fans are arrogant mouthbreathers (aside from them mostly being Yankee fans as well) is that it's an effective defense mechanism for those moments where you find yourself sitting around, bliking, wondering how they could possibly be such an unspectacularly shitty team.
ReplyDeleteBut Kate Mara's smokin' hot. So there's that.
Kate Mara is smoking hot indeed. Too bad she has Giant and Steeler blood running through her veins. That's a double whammy.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is... all the high density industrial buildings are concentrated right in that area, which, if you think about it, kind of makes sense.
ReplyDeleteYeah, for some reason, they never run the giant turnpikes and highways through the nicer parts of the state. It's a real puzzler.
Keep Kate Mara away from tunneltooth.
ReplyDeleteErnie Accorsi is "pug fugly" and damn you straight to motherfucking hell GMA for implying otherwise!!!
ReplyDeletedude, Robert Wuhl was so much better in Batman than he ever was in Arli$$
ReplyDeletebut here is one question... who is a greater national treausure Wuhl or the Scwab?
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ReplyDeleteWow... that sounded like the most disgruntled, jealous rant by a Redskins fan that I have ever heard.... They're made up of the best bunch of has-beens, woulda-beens, and coulda-beens that money could buy -- very similar to the Mets in the early 90s. Obviously you can't talk about how good the skins will be this year, so you have to make up corny 'facts' about another team. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteJohn S. is just upset that he has gone to Giant Stadium for the last five years just to see his Redskins lose , often badly to the G-Men.
ReplyDeleteAs he walked out of the stadium last year he informed us he will not come back.
daniel, i'll also be previewing the redskins.
ReplyDeleteand feel free to suck my cock.