Five Fast Facts About The Bills:
-Head coach Dick Jauron is still recovering from half of his face melting after opening the Ark of the Covenant.
-Rookie running back Marshawn Lynch is attempting to fill the shoes of recent Bills RBs Willis McGahee and Travis Henry by impregnating eight women, two does, and a baby sea cow.
-Team President Marv Levy has a lifelong endorsement contract with D. Lucky Lindy’s All-Purpose Hair Gel. “You’ll never fly solo again!”
-Tight end Robert Royal couldn’t catch a fucking O Ball.
-We reiterate that running back Shaud Williams is not a fan of Bruno:
Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kyle Williams!
During our 2007 NFL Preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Bills, it’s defensive tackle and jolly looking fellow Kyle Williams.
Big Daddy Drew: Kyle, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kyle Williams: Sure. No problem.
Drew: You sort of look like Tobey Maguire on the days he takes his depression meds. You ever get that?
Williams: No.
Drew: You went to LSU. Earlier this year, LSU women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatman was fired for having affairs with her players. I saw the movie “Chasing Amy” once, and the annoying bitch who always cried in that flick said lesbians make love by fisting one another. My question is, when you bounce an LSU practice ball, does it stick to the court?
Williams: I have no idea.
Drew: Buffalo fans are famed for attending games shirtless. Is it fun to know that, when you take the field, you’re gonna see lots of tits, both male and female?
Williams: I don’t look into the stands.
Drew: The Bills have one of the more tortured fanbases in the league. Did Marv Levy hire Dick Jauron just to twist the knife a little bit more?
Williams: Coach Jauron is a good coach.
Drew: I heard Paul Posluszny is so dumb that if you staple a tail to his pants he chases it. True?
Williams: No.
Drew: The Bills traded Willis McGahee in the offseason. How has McGahee’s departure affected the area’s Planned Parenthood clinics? I heard many of them had to be shuttered.
Williams: I don’t know.
Drew: Does Roscoe Parrish own a last basset hound named Flash?
Williams: No.
Drew: Linebacker Coy Wire has a bitchin’ name. If I were him, after every tackle, I’d jump up and shout, “’CAUSE I’M ALIVE!!!!! A LIVE WI-AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Wouldn’t you?
Williams: No.
Drew: Larry Triplett: fat lineman, or fattest lineman?
Williams: Fat lineman.
Drew: Quarterback JP Losman has a reputation for being somewhat cocky. But isn’t that somewhat earned on his part? I think he’s fucking dreamy. And so does most of the gay population in Buffalo. I think they like his unkempt hair and free-loving spirit. Don’t you?
Williams: I have no idea.
Drew: Shouldn’t Peerless Price really be named Peer Price?
Williams: Peerless is damn good.
Drew: Offensive line coach Jim McNally terrifies me. Look at this picture.
Does McNally ever wear a hooded cloak and start saying shit like, “It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!”?Williams: No.
Drew: Kyle, thanks for your time.
Williams: You’re welcome.
BONUS: 289 provides this stunning video of Marshawn Lynch's philosophical viewpoints. Kudos to you, 289. You are solid. And it don't get no better than solid.
I'm a Bills fan . . . there's no joke there.
ReplyDeleteThere's something fascinatingly liberating about knowing your team's season is over before it even starts.
Dick Jauron, coaching teams just well enough to lose for 10 years strong.
(opens window, stepping out onto ledge)
How has McGahee’s departure affected the area’s Planned Parenthood clinics?
ReplyDeleteLittle Known Fact: Due to the ugliness of the Buffalo female population, Willis would actually masturbate into a jar and fedex it to hot women in Miami to impregnate. He'll never be second string to Travis Henry in anything again.
Not mentioned - Don Beebe is not putting up with any more crap from KSK, so stop tampering with his myspace page.
ReplyDeleteIf wonder if Goodell's personal conduct policy says anything about being a Sith Lord
ReplyDeleteI get Star Wars jokes!
ReplyDelete/doesn't get Star Wars jokes
I heard Paul Posluszny is so dumb that if you staple a tail to his pants he chases it. True?
ReplyDeleteNot true. You have to grab the tail and spin him a circles a few times ot get him going.
That's some mighty fine Emperor humor there.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably true that Lynch will impregnate many, many women and animals.
ReplyDeleteBeing a Buffalo native, there's really nothing to do here except drink and fuck when it snows.
I can't wait until 289 sees this.
What really gave McNally away was when he kept bitching that the O-Line wasn't the problem, it was that JP Losman's midichlorian count was too low.
ReplyDeleteMy question is, when you bounce an LSU practice ball, does it stick to the court?
ReplyDeleteAmazing work. As a Bills fan, this might be the only time I will laugh all season.
Ya know, sith lords get a bad wrap. It's not like they seek death and destruction, nothing more than a means to an end. It's not really a good vs evil thing. Sith Lords just want power and really who doesnt, it's more of a personal growth thing and with that in mind is it really the Sith who's the bad guy or the Jedi who enjoyed unrivaled power and seek to destroy those who seek personal growth that is beyond their comprehension?
ReplyDeletejesus h, bills fans. the season hasn't even started yet and you are climbing onto ledges and rather enjoying playing the part of fans suffering over their poor, miserable team.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think Buffalo might actually break even and certainly be competitive.
and holy hell somebody mind-wipe that mcnally stare out of my head.
sith lords get a bad wrap
ReplyDeleteWhat kind? Chicken Caesar?
I actually think Buffalo will make the playoffs this year.
ReplyDeleteBut that's why I write jokes about football and not detailed anaylses of it.
Any Bills preview that does not include Marshawn's two greatest moments gets an automatic F. It don't get no better than solid, bay.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-iel089cEE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqMsT_2teus
And Marshawn's mom will whoop his ass if he tries to catch up with Henry and The Best RB in the League.
And if you're on the ledge already, fucking jump.
ReplyDeleteBuffalo Chicken and Ranch.
ReplyDeleteI'm fine and well with the former but the ranch, c'mon now, what kind of disrespect is that?
When I catch an O Ball, I show it my O face. Did I mention I catch it with my cock?
ReplyDeletejesus h, bills fans. the season hasn't even started yet and you are climbing onto ledges and rather enjoying playing the part of fans suffering over their poor, miserable team.
ReplyDeleteUmmm . . . did you live through four straight Super Bowl losses? Or the Rob Johnson era? Or the Drew Bledsoe era? Or the Wade Phillips era? Or the Gregg Williams/Mike Mularkey era?
Have you watched Dick Jauron opt to have your team punt on 4th and 3 with ball on the opponents 45 yard line, every fucking time?
It's not enjoyable it sucks.
And if you're on the ledge already, fucking jump.
But then how will I see all of your magical photoshops?
"I can't wait until 289 sees this"
ReplyDeleteHe did not disappoint.
See this is why you just walk past Buffalo fans with your head down. Jammq is gonna blow up the stadium.
ReplyDeleteHey, we're not all on the ledge, some of us have coping mechanisms. For instance, if the Bills sweep Miami and the Jets, and the Patriots all die in a plane crash, then we can go 4-10, and I'll be ecstatic.
ReplyDeleteSo what? We all lived through it. It's much easier to stop cheering for a team than always playing the "woe is me card." Goddammit, sometimes we come off sounding even more pathetic than Eagles fans. SOMETIMES.
ReplyDeleteDid you just compare me to Eagles fans?
ReplyDeleteLow. Blow.
/Looks for batteries to throw
No, not fair, the Eagles knew they wernt winning the super bowl, they knew.
ReplyDeleteThe Bills on the other hand...
I'm going to the Oct. 21 game, the return of the greatest running back in the league. I guess ol' Travis didn't teach Willis all his tricks. Willy's waaaaaaaay behind, but now that he's in Ballmore, where the women are better lookin(easier) he should catch up by the end of his contract. I hope the DC crew keeps their women off the streets.
ReplyDeleteJeez Drew, why didn't you make a move on poor Kyle? That's just plain insulting to the guy.
ReplyDeleteI think we hired Dick Jauron to just not look quite so bad losing... I dunno I could be wrong, but I'm not.
ReplyDeleteso when my girlfriend said that i was "solid" in bed, was she using the Marshawn Lynch rating system? Because apparently "it dont get no better then solid".
ReplyDeleteperfect. the Bills preview on the day my second daughter was born. thanks BDD. And 289 is right. How do you leave out the Lynch medical cart incident from Cal last year.
ReplyDeleteDamn my lack of HTML and whatever computer knowledge you need for this shit.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, McNally can not be the Emperor, they cut the OL Stith today. I'd put in the link but fuck me, I don't know how.
I can't help but think that picture of Williams is stretched somehow. Seriously, one person's face cannot be that wide.
ReplyDeleteCongrats, UU
ReplyDeleteWhy was a 13 year old girl interviewing my starting running back?
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm with 289, if Money uses his "solid" skill sets with the ladies Momma Lynch will beat him with her bingo card.
thanks again BDD
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for Marshawn Lynch to live up to the hype.
ReplyDeleteKind of like Lastings Milledge on the Mets.
The Bills are going 19-0.
ReplyDeleteJP's projected stats: 8,683 yards passing; 254 TDs; .5 INTs (throws a pick but causes a fumble and recovers it himself); 2,237 yards rushing; 37 TDs
Marshawn Lynch ought to get somewhere around 7,000 yards rushing with 88 TDs along with 1,900 receiving and another 30+ TDs.
Lee Evans has a breakout year catching up with Jerry Rice's career records, and surpassing him if you count post-season stats.
I know, the numbers are a little high but it's only because the defense is going to allow 50 a game.
Buffalo Chicken and Ranch.
ReplyDeleteI'm fine and well with the former but the ranch, c'mon now, what kind of disrespect is that?
Blue cheese (dip, not dressing). Ranch tastes like Kent Hull's pre-cum.
’CAUSE I’M ALIVE!!!!! A LIVE WI-AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
ReplyDeleteNow that's funny right there. I might start using that in my fantasy football league.