I'll be one of the first to admit that one of the problems with Chancellor Goodell's wave of personal conduct righteousness is the near-total disregard for due process. Michael Vick, among other players whose names and situations have been well-documented, face harsh suspensions (or even expulsions from their respective teams) with little more than a wave of The Rogg's hand. Vick's situation, obviously more emotionally charged than those before it, appears even more perilous. Casual observers, even Vick supporters, risk being labeled as "haters," which, I guess, is bad.
So how would one be able to publicly show support for Mr. Vick? Especially when the media, PETA, and the Salvation Army are all out to get him? Fortunately, KSK has obtained such a manifesto, in 3 parts, geared toward providing Ookie with the fan base he currently so desperately needs.
This guide was intended to be posted AS A COMMENT on Deadspin earlier today (I'm not making that up), but was intercepted by noted Combudsman Rob Iracane. KSK then brokered a deal with Mr. Iracane to acquire the manuscript, along with the rights to reproduce it in this space, as a way of telling the "other side" of this fascinating tale.
I present the Ookie Manifesto:
Article I.
FUCK ALL OF YOU VICK HATERS YOU CAN SUCK THOSE DOGS DICKS.
HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE ASS PIT BULLS, THESE FUCKING DOGS HAVE BEEN RECORDED KILLING FUCKING HUMANS. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KISS HIS ASS!!!!
Article II.
YOU FUCKING CRACKERS TRIED TO GET HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUE A LONG TIME AGO DEAL WITH IT HE IS A GREAT ATHLETE . ONE OF YOUR FELLOW FEMALE CRACKERS WENT BEHIND THIS AFRO AMERICAN AND PICKED UP HIS FUCKING WATER BOTTLE AND SAID IT SMELT OF WEED. ONLY IF THIS BITCH IS ALSO A FUCKING DOG AND A REGULAR CHRONIC SMOKER WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO SNIFF THE SCENT OF WEED ON THE TOP OF A WATER BOTTLE.
VICK IS RIGHT!!!! ALL THE TIME YOU GO VICK!!!!!
Article III.
RAY BU(FUCKIN)CHANNON IS A BITCH
--END--
To recap:
1. Perform canine fellatio immediately. Kiss ass.
2. Even the g0ddamn dogs are out to frame Vick.
3. Ray Buchanan is a bitch.
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
Is this an effort to lure back the Klan Kommenters from NOISB?
ReplyDeleteIf so, well done.
Sir...
ReplyDeleteThe raw emotion.
The passion.
I..I...
FUCK ALL YOU VICK HATERS...
there, I said it...
(and holy shit, the word verification took longer to type than my comment. Do something about that.)
(Now.)
Rob I's job must be a joy to perform every single day.
ReplyDeletei hate to nitpick, but...
ReplyDeleteONE OF YOUR FELLOW FEMALE CRACKERS WENT BEHIND THIS AFRO AMERICAN AND PICKED UP HIS FUCKING WATER BOTTLE AND SAID IT SMELT OF WEED.
there is, literally, not even one white female airport security screener at MIA.
it pains me as much as it pains you.
Ray is a bitch, though. Fruitcake got that right.
ReplyDeleteRob Iracane. He's a dickweed.
ReplyDeleteI concur with the Lt. No white screeners of any kind at MIA. At all.
ReplyDelete“Este botella de agua pesta mucho de mota!”
As Nation of Islam Sportsblog brought up before: Why does Mr. Leitch hate Negroes?
ReplyDeleteDid Lucious Pusey write the Ookie Manifesto?
ha!
ReplyDeleteLaugh all you wanna, Maj, but I know it was you.
ReplyDeleteI just KNEW the dogfighting conspiracy was conconcted by Mr Charlie. Mike Vick is a great and noble man, who volunteers at the local soup kitchen every week.
ReplyDeleteThen pays hobos $20 to fight each other to the death.
Such anger
ReplyDeleteBuchanan is one of Howard Schnellenberger's boys. No bitches there.
ReplyDelete"thebigo"
ReplyDeleteDon't pretend that name didn't come to your minds, too.
Ahem. The tag should properly read, "bestiality." I double-checked, and when I ran "beAstiality" through the dictionary, it thoughtfully asked, "Did you mean 'bestiality'?" Yes, reference.com; yes I did.
ReplyDeleteAnd that water bottle was for hiding jewelry, so don't even. Vicktory!
The Ookie Manifesto MUST be reprinted on a bumper sticker and sold on this site! Unlike the "Free Ookie" fiasco, I see no copyright issues.
ReplyDeleteThe all caps just make it jump off the screen with force and vigor.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, everyone I've ever met who likes Michael Vick in the least has been a loudmouthed asshole.
As for me, I'm just sitting back, enjoying the schadenfreude.
But why Ray Buchanan? Will anyone please think of former Man of the Year Ray Buchanan? Was he a bitch because soliciting an undercover cop for a blowjob isn't as hard as getting indicted for dogfighting?
ReplyDeleteFor the record, as per item II, that "cracker" bitch could have easily been a chronic smoker and a dog at the same time. All the serious pothead chicks at my school were dogs!
(ED MCMAHON: Ho-yo!)
With support from articulate fans like that, Vick has got it made. In fact, he should just take advantage of this groundswell of support and go ahead and announce his candidacy for president in 2008. Looks like he'd fit right in.
ReplyDeletethe salvation army can go fuck itself.
ReplyDeleteThat was pure comedy at its best. Loved the recap at the end to tie a bow on the Ookie Manifesto.
ReplyDeleteRay Buchannon and Eugene Robinson are both bitches. That hooker's clear heels were falling out of EUGE's jersey when he was chasing Rod Smith to the endzone.
And the Klan Kommenters can eat Rhino dick in the hot sun of Blogfrica.
ReplyDeleteFree Ookie! (And the Caps Lock.)
ReplyDeletei dont understand the combudsman over at deadspin. sounds fascist to me. herr lietch.
ReplyDeleteG.I. JOE!!!!
ReplyDeleteListen, I was just trying to voice my opinion on Deadspin, OK?
ReplyDelete@my hero zero - I'll gladly buy that bumper sticker and stick it right next to the one that reads, "The only scary thing about a one-armed man trying to scare someone is the fact that he feels that his one arm is only good for trying to scare somebody."
ReplyDeleteAm I missing something here, but why is the nickname Ookie funny? I don't get it - Ron Mexico was a whole other story, and I reall WANT Ookie to be a funny name, but such things can't be forced. Boo.
ReplyDelete