Brian Billick was a graduation speaker at Johns Hopkins recently. There he imparted some might fine words of wisdom on the graduatiing class.
"In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed," Billick said from the lectern at Hopkins' lacrosse field. "Be that pig."
Yes, The Bri is a master of metaphors. In the breakfast of life, you should be the fatty, salty mud-dweller who gets brutally slaughtered for the enjoyment of others. Ray Lewis can assist you if you're having problems butchering yourself.
Commencement ceremonies are godawful. Mine, like all of them, took place on a 95 degree day and lasted eight hours while I nursed an absolutely brutal hangover. During senior week I got so drunk one night I passed out in the middle of a street in Portland, Maine. When I asked my friend the next morning how I got back to campus, all he said was, "I'm gonna fucking kill you." He's not really my friend anymore.
Our graduation speaker was Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. BORING. I don't remember a goddamn word he said. Just another fucking lawyer. But I know who I wish we'd gotten.
Fucking Harvard gets all the best speakers. Snobby little bitches.
Will Ferrell is my number one pick for this draft. The rules: Pick one speaker only, then wait ten choices until you make another. This can be a speaker from any point in history, and I offer you bonus points for sincerity. Also, if you're late to the draft, TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. Don't be one of those assholes who's like, "Oh, I'm late. I'll just take five people!" You're gay if you do that.
UPDATE IN BOLD: NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
Stuart Scott.
ReplyDeleteBonus: He actually spoke at my graduation and only spoke for about 15 minutes. No hour-long BS session for me.
HST
ReplyDeleteWTF, I'll take Big Daddy Drew...given that alotment of time, only god know's what will come out of your mouth.
ReplyDeleteJim Abrams (of Abrams/Zucker bros.)
ReplyDelete1. He actually graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and
2. I actually saw him give a talk (during the 1st annual Wisconsin Film Festival) so I can attest to the fact that he can kill it.
Can we ban John for that pick?
ReplyDeleteBig Daddy Drew.
ReplyDeleteDick, bukkake and poop jokes, what else would you need in a speech.
@BDD, naaa, that pick was cool like the other side of the pillow.
ReplyDelete/sarcasm
I gotta take Kevin Smith to start.
ReplyDeleteBillick lifted that line out of "The Cereal is the Prize".
ReplyDeleteKevin Smith is a fucking great pick.
ReplyDeleteYou should all be ashamed of yourselves for picking me. I'm borderline retarded.
any point in history, eh?
ReplyDeleteMark Twain woulda fucking brought it.
Otto Man - because it's his birthday!
ReplyDeleteI also agree on the Kevin Smith pick, so I'll have to go with Steve Carrell with my 1st pick. If I'm gonna lose 20 pounds sweating to death under that gown, then I'd better be entertained.
ReplyDeleteARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!
Scarlett Johansson. It would mean she was in the same room as me. Restraining orders be damned.
ReplyDeleteFor my second pick, i'm going with M.C. Hammer, man o man can he give a speach about not fuckign up your life.
ReplyDeletewormfather, you didn't wait 10 picks.
ReplyDeleteNow you gotta wait 20.
pontius pilate. that dude really knew how to win over a crowd, huh?
ReplyDeleteI'll take Charles Bukowski. I'm still a little weirded out by the Stuart Scott pick.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of Minnesota Vikings in this draft today.
ReplyDeleteWill Rogers
ReplyDeleteThis is easy...Borat
ReplyDeleteIf fictional characters were allowed I would go with Alec Baldwin's character from Glengarry Glenross...there's some damn motivation... If not then I would go with Alec Baldwin..."youre all rude little pigs".
ReplyDeletemy grandfather. he was an immigrant, that served in WW2, opened his own shoe repair shop, and was his own boss his entire life. not to mention he was a good husband and father and grandfather. like a lot of people, he came over here and worked hard and made a nice life for himself on his own.
ReplyDeleteWoody Allen
ReplyDeleteThat hilarious little Jew. I'm laughing already.
I'll take Bill Cosby now.
ReplyDeleteBut nice Bill Cosby, not the Whitlock-channeling Angry Cosby.
Oh Goddammit
ReplyDeleteNO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
I'll take Eddie Izzard. His rambling digressions fit in well with the inevitable hangover..
ReplyDeleteI'll take Richard Pryor. Funny as hell and incredible life experiences.
ReplyDeleteI have to go with a man of trure wit and wisdom...
ReplyDeleteHarry Carray.
I can only dream of that speech
@ beaver
ReplyDeleteDamnit, I was going to pick your grandfather.
Jesus Christ for my first round pick.
ReplyDeleteAfter the graduation ceremony we'd eat loaves and fishes.
Conan O'Brien. Can't believe he fell this far.
ReplyDeletegorbachev actually spoke at my graduation. that was cool, but James Brown woulda been so much cooler. Especially since it was UGA and especially if he was trippin' balls like this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCw6r12mKvQ
I pick Sienna Miller. You guys get inspired by words, I get inspired by titties. I think we see where the rest of this draft is going for me.
ReplyDeleteShatner!
ReplyDeleteDave, NO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
ReplyDeleteNo fictional characters, Dave.
ReplyDelete(Struck by lightning)
I'm not sure if the rules stated if the person had to be dead or alive, but I would have LOVED to have WC Fields. Pure.comedic.genius.
ReplyDelete"A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her."
Damnit, Rob. Well played.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDavid Sedaris
ReplyDeleteI think BDD may choke a bitch today.
ReplyDeleteThe Notorious B.I.G. It would be the flow of the century.
ReplyDeleteStephen Colbert. He's not happy about falling this far.
ReplyDeleteJFK
ReplyDeleteAny Kennedy will do because there's something about that fucking New England accent that gets me riled up.
Err uh err uh...
Michael Vick
ReplyDeleteRodney Dangerfield
ReplyDeletesarah silverman. she'd be funny and then we could do each other.
ReplyDeleteKornheiser and Wilbon. I think its ok that they come as a package deal. I'd also have Marv Albert doing play by play for the ceremony. Man can make anything exciting.
ReplyDeleteYES!!
Damn, missed out on Mark Twain. I'll have to go with his facial hair twin, Kurt Vonnegut.
ReplyDeleteRedd Foxx
ReplyDeleteErin Andrews. I am cleaning up today.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Otto.
@burnsy, my other grandfather is still on the board.
ReplyDelete@dave, don't forget about all that water turned into wine.
second pick, enrico fermi. father of the nuclear reactor.
Howard Stern. I'll to listen to funny shit AND have Scores titties to stare at.
ReplyDeleteRichard Branson...that cat is amazing. rags to riches and balls bigger than anyone..
ReplyDeleteClinton Portis and his many personalities
ReplyDeleteThe blogfather: Joe Namath
ReplyDeleteAbraham Lincoln. The Gettysburg Address was only about 15 minutes long; and by all accounts he was a fantastic speaker whenever he got on stage. I'd prefer to listen to somebody who has something to say.
ReplyDeleteGood call on Sedaris mamacita.
ReplyDeleteGreat pick, Devang. Brain and dick working together. Unfortunately I left my brain at home today.
ReplyDeleteLewis Black....angry jews make me giggle
ReplyDeletei pick beaverfever's other grandfather.
ReplyDeleteSome might say Charles Barkley, but fuck that, I'm going with Charles Oakley. When asked why people in the NBA feared Oakley so much, a former NBA player once said, and I quote, "Because Oak doesn't give a fuck." The man smacked Charles Barkley in the face during the lockout meetings for fuck's sake, and now serves as Michael Jordan's personal bouncer, which means he does nothing but kick ass and get laid for a living. You think he wouldn't have some great life experience and advice?
ReplyDeleteWinston S. Churchill
ReplyDeleteDarryl Strawberry... hands down. I feel like his commencement speech would be eerily similar to Tyronne Biggums anti-drug speech
ReplyDeleteCharles Barkley
ReplyDeleteLou Gehrig - with the sole hope of him discussing his thought process on how he decided which symptoms should be included in the disease he invented and named after himself.
ReplyDeleteWill Leitch
ReplyDeleteAhahahahahah just kidding.
Peter Gammons, but I just want to hear him talk baseball rumors and preface everything he says with "Look"
@brother joshua, i'm guessing you picked my other grandfather just so burnsy couldn't.
ReplyDeleteI've actually seen Jon Stewart, and he slays.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the birthday love. I plan on being drunk and pantsless by five.
I'll take Charles Barkley, and a bottle of Ketel One with a bucket of ice.
ReplyDeleteit was a preemptive strike, yes. he was the best left on the board at the time, so i took him even though i don't need a grandfather.
ReplyDeleteI'll take the dulcet tones of Vin Scully
ReplyDeleteSince he's a pro wrestler, is Hulk Hogan a fictional character?
ReplyDeleteIf not, I pick him.
damn...nice one david...i hoped he'd fall farther.
ReplyDeleteGeorge Clooney...seriously, we'd get soapboxing and dry wit in one ridiculously charming package. yep, that's a man crush.
great call on churchill.
ReplyDeletenext pick, don rickels. saw his show in vegas about 10 years ago. the man is a comic legend.
The Governator - If that doesn't pump you up I don't know wtf is wrong with you. If all of his political rhetoric bullshit bores you, you can ask him to pull out "You know you want to put a kinfe in me, Bennet."
ReplyDeleteI'm leaning towards George Washington, but my gut is telling me to take Adriana Lima while she's still on the board.
ReplyDeleteOK, that went too fast.
ReplyDeleteGimme Lawrence Taylor and 2 8-balls, one before the speech and another as an inducement to actually speak.
I'll pick Rob I just so he can explain the comedy pyramid.
ReplyDeleteBruce Campbell.
ReplyDelete"Groovy", nuff said.
Bob Marley
ReplyDeleteMy hero. And I would hope to blaze one w/ him afterwards. Or during, whatever.
Bono
ReplyDeleteMeshugina Hockey Pucks! Don Rickles.
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmmmm.....
ReplyDeleteWhat about John Belushi (he's the dead fatter one, right?).
a roundtable discussion with the writers of kissing suzy kolbert?
ReplyDelete*ducks*
Well it's time to pick again and I'm taking Dave Attel...dude's just funny.
ReplyDeleteA preemptive draft strategy can sometimes blow up in your face. I may draft your grandfather so you're forced to trade me Beaver's other grandfather. Then again, I may just stop arguing about grandparents and go back to the war room for my next big-titties pontificator.
ReplyDeleteChristopher Walken. I could listen to him talk all day.
ReplyDeletehttp://ravinwalken.ytmnd.com/
Stephen Hawking
ReplyDeleteRick Reilly
ReplyDelete"Thanks for the birthday love. I plan on being drunk and pantsless by five."
ReplyDeleteotto, don't set your sights so low. i saw you get drink by 2pm. have a good one.
I would go with Bill Brasky but we can't take any fictional characters. How about Teddy Roosevelt?
ReplyDelete@burnsy: my grandfather would have cool stories. he was in ww2 in the pacific navy, had his ship torpedoed, and worked as an fbi agent in d.c.
ReplyDelete@BeaverFever
ReplyDeleteDammit.
Gary Sheffield. Because why the fuck not?
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, Bono. Good pick. An entertainer with a strong grasp of social conscience.
ReplyDeleteI pick Carrie Underwood.
Great pick, wormfather!
ReplyDeleteMy next pick: John Madden
Chuck Palahniuk
ReplyDeleteMy other hero.
Dave Chappelle...that concludes my draft...how did he fall this far?!
ReplyDeleteill trade the rest of my picks for a bottle of jameson
Can't believe I missed this one:
ReplyDeleteDavid Halberstam.
Damn, I though Walken was the sleeper
ReplyDeleteGeorge Carlin.
ReplyDeleteAs far as birthday drinking goes, I've got a night scheduled to take me through about 4am. I've got to pace myself.
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky"
ReplyDeleteBill Parcell's FUPA. The stories it could tell.
James Earl Jones. Best speaking voice ever.
ReplyDeleteShits going fast.
ReplyDeleteI saw 300 last night and it was bad ass. You probably think I would take Leonidas but I'm going with the bad guy:
Xerxes.
That guy was awesome, and he knew how to party
Mike Tyson. I just hope that he threatens to eat some children.
ReplyDeleteFrank Caliendo.
ReplyDeleteI'll take Jimmy Paige From Led zeppelin because of two reasons: 1) Big daddy drew stole my rock band a few drafts ago based on a stupid fish incident stealing my will to live 2) because i'd get a kick ass solo instead of some boring speech.
ReplyDeleteRock on. I win. Good fucking Night.
caliendo is a good choice because you get about 30 different speakers in one pick.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to pick an athlete who has accomplished a lot in his career and who has overcome adversity to achieve the greatest success.
ReplyDeleteMaria Sharapova.
Bing. Bang. Boom.
God this draft is going fast. Great pick miamidiesel, I was going to take Sheff.
ReplyDeleteI'll take Rachel Nichols just so my friends and I can place side bets on how long it takes her to blink.
With my third pick, I have to take the man that spoke at my college graduation ceremony - Jack Valenti. It was a fantastic speech, but I wish he added more movie stuff in there, so with this new commencement speech, I will force him to talk movies.
ReplyDeletemy next pick is jim kaat. best baseball commentator ever. the guy knows how to tell a story and just seems like a nice guy.
ReplyDeleteGhandi?
ReplyDeleteDon DeLillo. Largely because authors tend to give better speeches/interviews than just about anyone, and nobody writes a flawless, lyrical sentence like DeLillo.
ReplyDelete(Philip Roth was a close second, but half the crowd would either be jerking off or committing suicide by the midway point.)
I'm changing strategy mid-draft...Ted Bundy.
ReplyDeleteDr Suess - Oh the places we'll go.
ReplyDeleteTerrible Ted Nugent
ReplyDeleteChris Rock
ReplyDeleteBecause every commencement speech needs a few N-bombs.
And the Black Mall bit.
John Wayne
ReplyDeleteHugh Hefner. The speech would be titled, "How to fuck girls 50 years younger than you"
ReplyDeleteMy actual graduation speaker... Gov. George W. Bush. True story.
ReplyDeleteUgh.
so if I could *redo* that option... I'd pick Henry Rollins. He's a badass.
Bill Murray.
ReplyDeleteMartin Luther King Jr.
ReplyDeleteThe man really knew how to deliver a speech.
Can't believe he fell this far.
I'm going historical with this pick.
ReplyDeleteMarilyn Monroe.
She probably had herpes, but back then they just called it a case of the itchies and put a little extra soap on it. No harm, no foul.
Ali. In his prime. Not the Katherine Hepburn days.
ReplyDeleteTed Nugent
ReplyDeletedammit bdd, i was going with Bill for my next pick. One of the funniest guys of all time. Serves me right for showing up late.
ReplyDeleteI pick Suzyn Waldman. My graduation would be "the most dramatic thing i've eva seen..."
ReplyDeleteMitch Hedberg
ReplyDeleteI was just going to take MLK, Jr.
ReplyDeleteI'll go with someone closely related -- Ricky Gervais.
Bill Hicks. "If anyone here is planning to go into marketing or advertising, kill yourselves."
ReplyDelete(As someone who works in marketing and advertising.)
Ted Nugent already went Coach.
ReplyDeleteRickey Henderson
ReplyDelete@burnsy
ReplyDeleteI knew I'd make a fool of myself the first time I tried to do this.
Kudos on the Bill Hicks pick. If my head would have been out of my ass, I would have snatched him early.
ReplyDeleteJerry Falwell so I could get close enough to punch him in the balls. Oh...he's dead? recently? hmmm...well good...fuck that guy.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'll take Hillary Clinton so I can punch her in the balls.
Pope John Paul II, blame the catholic in me on this pick.
ReplyDelete@jackin'4beats, speaking of civil rights leaders my graduation speaker was james farmer. guy gave a great speech and had a good sense of humor. for example, he commented on the rope around his neck he wore with his cap and gown to receive an honorary degree and said, "if i had this rope around my neck in the south back in the 50's i might be a little nervous."
Ozzie Guillen. No telling who he would decide to rant about or offend that day, but it would be fucking hilarious... plus he outed Jay Mariotti, which makes him worthy of everyone's respect
ReplyDeleteMario Danelo
ReplyDeleteI can't believe he fell this far.
With my next pick, since Liquid_d took Campbell, I'll take the next best thing: Sam Raimi.
ReplyDeleteWith Raimi and Cambell they made each other.
I pick Chuck Norris.
ReplyDeleteBill Clinton
ReplyDeleteMarissa Miller
ReplyDeleteThe Virgin Mary - I'd love to hear some of the stories she could tell.
ReplyDelete@rob i - i hate myself a little for laughing at that Danelo pick. Lucky for you my ticket to hell was punched a long time ago, or you'd be in some deepshit right now
ReplyDeleteBarack Obama. I may not agree with every thing he says, but the man is a pretty good speaker.
ReplyDeleteJust take a deep breath and get right back at it, Coach.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of deep, I take Jenna Jameson pre-freakshow plastic surgery porking Tito Ortiz. You know, Flashpoint and Conquest Jenna.
I am not going to be able to walk for days after this graduation.
ty cobb. Hopefully I didn't screw this pick up too badly.
ReplyDeleteDave Chappelle, much better than James Dobson who was a pompous bore for almost 2 hours.
ReplyDeleteBowie, it's fuckin bowie man.
ReplyDeleteMick Jagger. He must have some tales to tell.
ReplyDeleteChappelle's long gone.
ReplyDeleteChappelles already gone john & Abby
ReplyDeleteMalcolm X. Have always been fascinated by him for some reason. Would love to see him piss off an entire college.
ReplyDeleteDid anyone mention Chappelle is gonezo?
ReplyDeleteOl Dirty Bastard...who can resist a commencement speech full of talk about licking assholes
ReplyDeleteI'll take Seth MacFarlane. He actually gave the speech at harvard i think it was. Absolutely Hilarious. Youtube it if you want to check it out
ReplyDeleteIll take future Senator of Minnesota, Al Franken. One of the only times I laughed, uncontrollably, while reading a book.
ReplyDeleteyeah devang that Barack Obama sure is articulate...
ReplyDelete@ shoopmonster
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, that was one of my favorite movies ever. He was a fascinating man. If I weren't allergic to books I would read his autobiography.
Pedro Alonso López, the most prolific serial killer in history. 300+ kills. That's a man, a dream, hard work and dedication.
ReplyDeleteMark Antony
ReplyDeleteHunter S. Thompson. And I'd take him out the night before and get him all fucked on booze and mescaline.
ReplyDeleteThe Sex Cannon.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised nobody's taken him yet.
I had to read it for a history class, but kept it after I passed the class and plan on trying to read it every few years. Very good read.
ReplyDelete@Coach-kinda funny you picked ty cobb with a lot of other picks being civil rights leaders. Cobb was most likely the largest racist in all on MLB history.
ReplyDeleteNow for my next pick, I select Matt Ufford because he's so dreamy.
Oh and sidenote, Mark Twain and Dr.Suess are iffy as picks because they are Pen names, it is debatable whether they should count as fiction characters.
Suzy Kolber? She's the reason we're all here, right?
ReplyDeleteIf I can't have Twain, I'm going with another sarcastic bastard -- H. L. Mencken.
ReplyDeleteWith my final pick, I take Lindsay Lohan circa-Mean Girls. We can still turn it around, Lindsay. Just take my hand.
ReplyDeleteThe Reverend Al Green.
ReplyDelete@Coach good call leads into my ringer of the draft
ReplyDeleteJoe Namath (only if he's thrown back about 5 Tom collins beforehand)
Isaiah Berlin
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaiah_Berlin
Can't believe Chapelle didn't go sooner. Rollins also an excellent pick. Damn.
ReplyDeleteMy pick: Oscar Wilde
You know that mofo had some stories.
I really wanted HST and Bill Murray. Those were in my top 3. Damn you Gay Mafia, taking my picks.
ReplyDeleteThis is for wormfather. I take Aaron McGruder since I love the Boondocks and I'm sure he'd make 1/2 of us laugh and the other 1/2 plus faculty very uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteGreat story beaverfever.
@big o,
ReplyDeleteYeah, but I figured I could sprinkle an idiot or two in there. I picked Abe Lincoln with my first pick.
Fangirls-
ReplyDeleteSex Cannon + College Coeds = Disaster.
I think FEMA has a contigency plan for this.
Mac Dre.
ReplyDelete"I'm sharp like Shannon, rich like Gannon..."
Falco
ReplyDeleteMorgan Freeman. I would have no problem listening to that man talk about anything.
ReplyDelete@ Dick_gozinya, HST gone. I got an idea, how about ctrl + f people.
ReplyDelete5th pick,hockey legend Don Cherry.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone taken Wilt Chamberlain yet?
ReplyDeleteDavid Foster Wallace
ReplyDeleteDamn pseudonyms. Instead I pick theodor Seuss Geisel.
ReplyDeleteNo one's taken FDR? Yoink!
ReplyDeleteJames Joyce. Partially for insight, partially for the spectacle of someone speaking for an hour without any punctuation whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteI am stunned that dude fell this far (considering he's far and away one of the top 5 coolest muh fuckas to ever walk this planet).
ReplyDeleteThe man who put the LBC on the map:
Snoop D-O Dizzle
I'm gonna take Danny Ainge and hopefully he will explain why he insists on ruining my life
ReplyDeleteFor my last pick i take George S. Patton. I simply cannot believe no one took him this far in. Perfect sleeper pick.
ReplyDeleteAishwarya Rai so I could cause an international incident when I kick her husband's ass so she could be mine.
ReplyDeleteHA!
Being an alum of the Houston Cougars, I may have to give up my football and basketball tickets and may never again be allowed on campus, but I would love to listen to a speech by Jim Valvano
ReplyDeleteLarry Fitzgerald.
ReplyDeleteCuckoo's Nest
ReplyDeleteDeparted
Easy Rider
Batman
Jack Nicholson, coolest motherfucker alive.
I pick Will Arnett provided he did the whole thing in the GOB voice
ReplyDeleteI'll piss off the southern block and go Lewis Grizzard, although I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been crazy about speaking at UF.
ReplyDeleteCharles Manson.
ReplyDeleteSay what you will, but the man would be damn entertaining.
Rex Grossman
ReplyDeleteThe sex cannon can talk about goin' deep.