Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Seattle Seahawks.Tim Ruskell, General Manager: Thanks for coming, gents. You all are the backbone of this team, the respective hearts of the offense and defense. In order to help figure out where we need to add youth, can you all state how old you'll be at the start of this season?
Julian Peterson, OLB: 29.
Patrick Kerney, DE: 30.
Ruskell: Wait. Aren't you a speed rusher?
Kerney: Yup.
Ruskell: And you're 30?
Kerney: Yessir.
Ruskell: All year? No chance of getting younger?
Kerney: I feel young at heart.
Ruskell: What was the deal we gave you this offseason?
Kerney: Six years, $39.5 million.
Ruskell: Good Christ! What was I thinking?!?
Peterson: Sir, we needed someone to replace Grant Wistrom, who was a year older. And much slower. Also, I believe you were on quaaludes that day.
Ruskell: Ah yes. That takes me back. Say, whatever happened to Wistrom? Class act. I loved his Halloween party.
Peterson: Retired, sir.
Ruskell: Good. Fucker was dead weight on this sinking ship. [pause] Anyway. Carry on, the rest of you. Ages.
Matt Hassebeck, QB: Uh, 32.
Shaun Alexander, RB: 30.
Deion Branch, WR: 28.
Darrell Jackson, WR: 28.
Walter Jones, OT: 33.
Mack Strong, FB: 36.
Ruskell: Fuck. My. Ass. Nobody's younger?
Hasselbeck: Sir, many of the players on defense and our offensive line are younger.
Ruskell: Name one known outside the state of Washington. Besides Lofa Tatupu.
Hasselbeck: Ummm... Kelly Jennings?
Ruskell: Fuck you. You're in the Asshole Box. No talking, five minutes. Got it?
Hasselbeck: [nods, hangs head]
Ruskell: Okay, so who should we take for our first round pick?
Branch: Uh, that's me.
Ruskell: Why would I draft you? You're already on the team.
Branch: No sir, last year you traded your first round pick to New England for me.
Ruskell: Oh, shit. Forgot about that. Must be nice to finally be paid, though, huh?
Branch: Yes, sir. And how.
Ruskell: I met [Patriots' personnel director Scott] Pioli last offseason. He actually picked up loose change off the street. He went to the bathroom while we were figuring out the tip for lunch.
Branch: I believe it, sir.
Ruskell: Right. So, second round. Let's see... number 55 overall. What are our biggest needs?
Alexander: Tight end, offensive line, tight end, and we could use a little depth in the secondary.
Strong: I am fucking ancient.
Alexander: Fullback, too.
Ruskell: Does anyone have any good news for me?
Kerney: You'll free up a lot of cap room when you cut me in two years.
Branch: I saved 15% by switching to Geico car insurance.
Ruskell: We're not getting anyone from this draft, are we?
Everyone: No.
Ruskell: Looks like I'm gonna need to make a move. Guess who's getting traded?
Jackson: ...me?
Ruskell: Ding ding ding. Pack your bags, vestigial wideout.
Damn, CC, I feel like I'm getting punished for.....something, with this post. It stings a little too much.
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah, Ruskell wasn't the GM when the Seahawks signed Winstrom. You can thank Bob Whitsitt for that one. Or Holmgren, whoever.
Also, the very youthful D.J. Hackett looks forward to Jackson's departure, and becoming an elite receiver. And Marcus Trufant wants to know why he's been left out of the discussion altogether. Now, let me go to sleep whilst I cling to my shreds of hope. Thank you.
You even have shreds of hope? I'm sorry.
ReplyDeletei kurt warner would make a good backup. fuck a seneca wallace.
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't be half as funny if it weren't true.
ReplyDeleteWhen do Darrell Jackson and Nate Burleson get shipped out?
(Best part: Hasselbeck to the Asshole Box.)
Also note: I am in the process of pitying Grant Wistrom for thinking he could pull that costume off.
ReplyDeleteTwo things:
ReplyDelete1) Asshole Box is now a permanent part of my vocabulary.
2) Thank Christ the Seahawks play in the NFC West.
I'm just surprised that Alexander's prescription of team needs is that dead on. He'll have a great broadcasting career.
ReplyDeleteI hear that EA Sports is putting CC's fragile faith on the cover of Madden '07.
ReplyDeleteEither that or Mike Holmgren's bloated liver.
i imagine that this is exactly how it goes. but no stevens in the room.
ReplyDelete"vestigial wideout" HA!
ReplyDeleteBest use of a random anatomy term on KSK ever.
Too bad the Mariners suck, too.
ReplyDeleteAs a resident of Bellevue, WA for one week each year, I have become a Seahawks fan through blood relations. With that I say, at least we still have the Storm.
ReplyDeleteBy the way Smeos, with San Fran's upswing and the Rams' offseason tinkering, the elderly at Qwest had better pray this is the season.
I almost died after the Geico line.
ReplyDeleteHow old is the 12th man(person, whatever)?
(if this site were a rocking ass concert and I was in the crowd...I would hold up a sign that said "Titans Next Please!")
As a resident of Bellevue, WA for one week each year, I have become a Seahawks fan through blood relations. With that I say, at least we still have premo bud .
ReplyDeleteFixed.
It should be primo unless you're talking about weed produced by prematurely born children. I've heard they get the good shit.
ReplyDeleteI was under the impression premo stood for premium. Hence, primo wouldnt make any sense. Urban dictionary has both spellings. But they also refer to it as a blunt/joint laced with coke. I think this is a regional thing because in Louisville, we call them danks or dirtys.
ReplyDeleteAt least the weather's nice up there.
ReplyDeleteWhat? Oh. Sorry.
How old is the 12th man(person, whatever)?
ReplyDeleteGood call. Not having a 12th man in the draft room was a tremendous comedic oversight.
As it is, this depressed the hell out of me.
and unitard, the weather is fucking great up here. Seattle summers stand up to any summer anywhere.
@zach
ReplyDeleteSeneca Wallace is a bad backup? I think he won some games last year, didn't he? Maybe you'd prefer Drew Tate?
Burnsy, while I am aware of the improvements the 49'ers have made. I am hoping that they're growing pains take a year to outgrow. I am also hoping that Frank Gore gets run over by a bread truck at some point this season.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Rams, didn't they do 'offensive tinkering' last year? Besides, they're terrified of Josh Green. Terrified.
I have no idea what any of this shit means, but it's still fucking hilarious. The Geico line especially. And the Asshole Box. Every workplace needs one of those.
ReplyDelete