Greetings from the lovely shores of Cancun, Mexico! Or should I say, hola?! As you can see, I’m currently enjoying my spring break. Many American college students have a spring break that lasts one or two weeks. Mine, on the other hand, lasts from March 21 to June 21. It’s not really a spring break. It’s just spring. And lemme tell ya, spring is a good time for fuckin’. Isn’t that right, Manny?
Manny: Si, Senor Rexy. Otra Tecate?
You’re goddamn right I’ll have another. Aaaaahhh!!! I am so fucking relaxed. Manny here is the best bartender Fat Tuesdays has ever employed. And I should know. I’ve met all of them! Now I know some of you Bears fans are concerned about what happened in the Super Bowl. But let me just say, that hasn’t bothered me in the slightest, so I see no reason why it should bother you! There’s still plenty of gun powder left in the ol’ Cannon, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t, I’m referring to the amount of semen in my cockbag. Ain’t that right, Manny?
Manny: Es muy grande, amigo.
Fuckin’ A. God, I love it down here! You should have seen the girl I took home last night. She had a big round ass, with a crack so deep, you just wanted to fill it with taco meat.
Manny: Bien comida, senor.
Muy bien, compadre. Some of you might be wondering what I’ve been doing to improve my game during my three-month stay down here. Let me tell you something, Rex Grossman doesn’t do minicamps. Okay? There’s nothing mini about what I do. I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men. But, to put you at ease, I assure you I’ve been thoroughly working the two most important muscles in my body: the Dragon, and ol’ Chief Riding Bull down below.
Every morning, I wake up at 11:59AM, fuck, and then head to the beach. Then, I play volleyball using ONLY MY RIGHT ARM for a solid fifteen minutes. After that, the ladies usually come flocking. It’s like the Axe Effect, only I don’t need the Axe. Fuck Axe. And fuck Tag. I get the ladies to come calling with my OWN musk, bitch. After that…
Manny: (laughs)
Yeah, you KNOW what happens next, don’t you, Manny?
Manny: CANNON FIRE, senor!
Hell, yeah! Slap me cinco, motherfucker! I told you my English would rub off on you! You know, I haven’t read the paper much lately. What’s goin’ on in the world, Manny?
Manny: Senor Imus es un cabron.
Don Imus? Pfft. He’s about as sexy as a pregnancy test. I heard they released our schedule. You got that?
Manny: Si. Si. El preseason, senor?
No, skip the preseason. That’s maricon shit.
Manny: Los Chargers?
With Norv Turner coaching? That’s a win.
Manny: Los Chiefs?
Versus Chief Riding Bull? That’s a win.
Manny: Los vaqueros?
Cowboys? That’s a win. I like reverse cowgirl fucking.
Manny: Los Lions?
Pfft. Win.
Manny: Los Packers?
Against Oldey McShitmypants? Win. I am that asshole's Bennie Blanco: younger, better, SEXIER. Remember Bennie Blanco, Manny?
Manny: Si. Era un badass. Los Vikings?
Win.
Manny: Los Eagles?
Win. Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough. They’re all fucking wins, Manny. I’mma plow through the league, then plow through the rest of Latin America. Sound good, amigo?
Manny: Viva el Cumslinger!
Long live me, indeed. See you in September, everybody!
Photoshop job courtesy of the incomparable twoeightnine
UPDATE: Want a "Viva el Cumslinger!" t-shirt? Of course you do.
I just laughed so hard I shit myself.
ReplyDeleteNext shirt has to be a Viva el Cumslinger.
....with a picture of him in a sombrero, sporting the best scum-stache you have ever seen
ReplyDeleteI would buy a "Oldey McShitmypants" shirt in a second.
ReplyDeleteOr a "I like reverse cowgirl fucking" shirt.
"Viva el Cumslinger!"
ReplyDeleteNow THAT should be on a t-shirt. In fact, i think I will have one made during lunch today, just in time for the weekend.
I imagine the Sex Cannon saying..."I should be reviewing film or....ooooo my jacket's shiny."
ReplyDeleteVIVA GRANDE PAPI DREW!!
ReplyDeleteMy fiancee says the idea of a 'Cum fire the Sex Cannon' t-shirt makes her tingle downstairs
ReplyDeleteI was hoping for a Vick at the Mall post, but this was better. Thank you. Excellent photoshop.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at "fill her crack with taco meat."
ReplyDelete"I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men."
ReplyDeleteThat was good BDD, that was good.
I still can't wash the stink of yesterday off of me.
ReplyDeleteSlap me cinco, motherfucker. And thus begins my new favorite line. Can we get a Sex Cannon post everyday. Holy shit, that was funny.
ReplyDeleteI still can't wash the stink of yesterday off of me.
ReplyDeletei ended like jim carry's character when he finds out einhorn is a man yesterday, in the shower curled up in the fetal position.
this could quite possibly be the greatest day ever at ksk if we could get a Micheal vick post.
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ReplyDeletea sex cannon post was long over due. the rex effect in full swing.
ReplyDeletebennie balnco from the bronx, nice carlito's way refernce. i'm pretty sure that was the last good movie sean penn was in.
Ask and you shall receive:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=93133
Thursday bukkake AND a Viva El Cumslinger t-shirt? Today is the most ballinest shit ever.
ReplyDeleteThat's the fucking way it should be. Another cerveza for BDD!
ReplyDeleteHow about we get the jizzpots from the Ladies to model the t-shirts?
ReplyDelete"I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men or split a woman in half."
ReplyDeleteFixed.
Viva El Cumslinger! Hey, that's Gross...man.
ReplyDeleteFinally a shirt I can be more embarrassed to wear in public than my Sex Cannon tee.
ReplyDeleteClassic.
ReplyDeleteMuch like Mr. Mcsheisty, I am appropriating the slap me cinco, motherfucker for my new everyday greeting.
Rex, we missed you so much. Someone will bottle "Sex Cannon" cologne someday -- made with bits of real gunpowder.
ReplyDeleteI'm buying that shirt come payday.
Stands & Applauds.
ReplyDeleteyah to steagles there really is nowhere to wear a sex cannon shirt, much less a viva el cumslinger.
ReplyDeleteOh and signal to noise Im gonna be honest with you that smells like pure semen.
Genius, simply genius.
ReplyDeleteI am hereby declaring it KSK-reader law that if one of us guys spots a female wearing a VIVA LA CUMSLINGER shirt... we mount her immediately.
ReplyDeleteWe have to do Rex proud.
A day simply isn't complete without a Big Daddy Drew post. Viva el cumslinger, indeed.
ReplyDeleteOh, and can we have Pac-Man Jones's Suspended Adventures? He and Mike Vick could ride around...in the guts of a Cadillac DeVille...think about it...