NOTE: We're pleased to bring you this BKADP entry from special guest poster STW of the great Name Of The Year blog. Take it away, my man...
Name: Mason Crosby
Height: Taller than Jackie Mason, shorter than David Crosby
Body Type: Right thigh bigger than mole on Ginny Sack's ass
Speed: 8.3 (sidelines to ball spot)
Urine Sample: Good trajectory, stream tends to fade right
Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Martin Gramatica
Criticisms: Doesn't follow through when kicking longer field goals, jerking off
Mainstream Comparison: Sebastian Janikowski
KSK Comparison: Nigel "The Leg" Gruff
Who's Interested: His mother, other kickers
Who Will Take Him: The Falcons. Need rookie to kick off, attempt long field goals, escort Morten Andersen to and from Buckhead Assisted Living Facility
Honors: Runner-up for Lou Groza Award in 2005. Didn't stab teammate in the leg like backup punter at other school in Colorado
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Has to hit 60 golf balls at a driving range two days before every game. This will lead to the following conversation:
BERMAN: Mason "Bing" Crosby! Looks like whoever drafts him will have to hold a celebrity golf tournament.
JAWORSKI: Another kooky kicker, Boomer.
BERMAN: I keek a touchdown!
(Cut to highlight of Garo Yepremian throwing interception in Super Bowl VII)
Ambitions: Not fucking up just enough to make $30 million in career kicking a football five times a week.
Projection: Drafted in third round. Subject of 43 newspaper profiles speculating whether he can break NFL field-goal record of 63 yards. Forgotten until misses first potential game-winning kick. Gang-raped by offensive line when misses another. Released when misses third. Plays seven seasons for Laredo Lobos of afl2.
Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Gramatica brothers
ReplyDeleteFixed.
Go Lobos!
ReplyDeleteStool Sample: Tiny pieces of Gramatica brothers
ReplyDeleteTiny pieces of tiny men. It's like a Zen riddle.
No follow through? Inexcusable. Although that tends to explain the fade right.
ReplyDeleteHe's no Matt Prater.
ReplyDeleteStabbing our competition is how we roll in the mountain states
ReplyDeleteMy little sister could boot a 60-yarder at Colorado altitude...
ReplyDeleteHe will suck unless the Broncos take him.
He will suck especially if the Broncos take him... because all Broncos suck.Besides, they need another guy to choke in the playoffs since Plummer left.
ReplyDelete@ butler: He hit a 60 yarder in Miami. In Colorado he was hitting them from even further out.
ReplyDeleteDid you miss what DenverGodfather said? Don't make me come stab you in the leg.
@liquid: Good point about the Donkeys...
ReplyDelete@ vanilla:
58-yarder.
And I was just joshing, anyway...I think the kid is awesome - didn't know his mom was a reader.
If you come and stab me (I'm in Vail) you can watch my sister kick a 70-yarder up here and visit your son in Boulder on your way home.
Aren't all kickers just converted soccer players? And doesn't that make them all pansies? I'm surprised one of them had the gall to stab another one in the leg. I would have expected a slap to the face and a run away screaming.
ReplyDeleteAren't all kickers just converted soccer players? And doesn't that make them all pansies?
ReplyDeleteDidier Drogba will eat your children.
STW- you mysterious genius!
Love the Nigel Gruff reference. Then NFL needs more kickers w/mullets who smoke while lining up for a kick...at least I think so.
ReplyDeleteThe altitude in Colorado will only add 2-3 yards to any kick. Crosby can kick the shit out of the ball.
ReplyDelete