Name: Calvin "Big" Johnson
Height: Tall
Weight: Don't stand on the tracks when the train's coming through.
40 Time: 4.33 seconds...uphill...in his girl's UGGs
Broad Jump: Cleared 11 broads plus 3 dames and a lass.
Urine Sample: Gold smelt
Stool Sample: Smells like Cinnabon at the airport
Mainstream Comparison: Roy Williams
KSK Comparison: A light-skinned Jesus of Nazareth
Who Wants Him: Don't kid yourselves, Matt Millen and Al Davis are sporting a combined three inches of petrified wood just thinking about him.
Who Will Take Him: Tampa (but only if he agrees to play quarterback)
Hobbies: Pissing on Chevy logos/defensive backs
Favorite Food: Stem cells
Favorite Quotation: A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food.
Mortal Enemy: Hack Man
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He spent last summer building shit holes in a South American shithole.
Immediate Impact: Remember Randy Moss? (it's ok if you don't, just click here). Now imagine a him with a good attitude and without Micheal Ray Richardson's lawyers on retainer.
Down the Road: After a record-shattering career in the NFL he fades into Boliva. He could be the first person enshrined in Canton and Saint Peter's Basilica (as long as PK and Pastabelly are cool with it).
Wow - nothing like a little Jonathan Swift quote to get my day started.
ReplyDeleteThere's no way Matt Millen will passover him. ho ho ho!
ReplyDeleteOutstanding, UM. A+++
Big Johnson t-shirts & 'A Modest Proposal,' KSK is turning into like a McSweeney's version of Where's Waldo.
ReplyDeletealso a great Cavin and Hobbes reference. pissing on Chevy logos, do they even make those stickers anymore and they always seemed to be on the backwindows of pick-up trucks. were also available with calvin pissing on the Ford logo.
ReplyDeleteI owned like 12 Big Johnson shirts in high school. I'm amazed that I never got my ass kicked for being such a tool.
ReplyDeleteCalvin was one micturating machine.
ReplyDeleteJonathan Swift, Calvin & Hobbes . . . and Mike Tyson.
ReplyDeleteBut mispelled.
Hmmmm. But with UM reaching new heights each week, this could be intentional. I think if you play it backwards it says something about Satan and a global Jewish conspiracy.
Mike, Bolivia is where Calvin chills in the off season.
ReplyDeleteCalvin Johnson and Roy Williams split wide. Mike Williams in the slot. Tatum Bell in the backfield and Jon "fucking" Kitna behind center. Sounds like and offense fucking juggernaut to me. "All Streaks on 1"
ReplyDeleteAnd as if it could possibly be otherwise, I misspelled "misspell."
ReplyDeleteYes.
Maybe Calvin could use the transmogrifier to travel into the future and see what his options are in free agency
ReplyDeleteMaybe he can also be a good Samaritan and warn the Bengals on who will get arrested. Will Pacman Jones live to be 30?
The possibilities are endless.
What happens when you read this post while listening to "Creeping Death" by Metallica? This.
ReplyDeletesimms, if healthy, won't be able to get CJ the ball. gonna have to call halfback passes or something.
ReplyDeleteHow in the hell is his mortal enemy NOT be Reggie Ball Passes?
ReplyDeleteConcur with Ted. This post was begging for some Ball-busting goodness.
ReplyDelete