Name: Adrian "Gap Filler" Peterson
Height: Tall
Weight: Svelte
Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water--and it's not a trick.
Hometown: Palestine (/...backs away slowly...), Texas (/runs for life)
Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates
Stool Sample: CHUNKY!
Criticisms: He's no Adrian Peterson
Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he's like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft...stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.
KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers
Adrian's Comparison: "I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball." (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])
Who's Interested: Radiologists everywhere
Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that's why.
Ambition: Double last year's income; overcome vertigo.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!
Immediate Impact: I kid around but he's a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.
Down the Road: Crippling arthritis
NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we're having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.
Hometown: Palestine (/...backs away slowly...), Texas (/runs for life)
ReplyDeleteCheck and mate. Well played.
Hell yeah Unbreakable. Best M. Night movie, hands down.
ReplyDelete"He fucks horses for money"
ReplyDeleteNice! But if he fucked cows I'd be more impressed. I like beef...
Avian bone syndrome. So that explains it. Why didn't I think of that before?
ReplyDeleteHe's gonna make Fragile Fred look like Jim Brown this season.
I always enjoy a little light bukkake on a friday
ReplyDeleteShockingly, this is the first post with the label "avian bone syndrome". What are the odds?
ReplyDeleteBigger cunt: Bianca or Kim Basinger?
ReplyDeleteDiscuss.
No, the story ESPN will force upon the viewing public is the tragedy that Peterson's father, a standout athlete himself, only got to see one of his son's college games because he was serving time. What they will fail to mention is that Nelson Peterson is not Nelson Mandela. Mandela unjustly went to prison for oppsoing a corrupt and racist government. Peterson went to prison for laundering drug money and deserved to fucking be there.
ReplyDeleteand deserved to fucking be there
ReplyDeleteI've yet to hear otherwise.
Browns fans...
ReplyDeleteLose - Lose situation (Quinn vs. Peterson)
Just go for Calvin Johnson...
The best case scenario is for the Redskins to tade there whole draft "Saints Style" to move for Brady Quinn.
ReplyDeleteThen and only then will the faithful inhabitants of the DC/MD/VA metroplex realize that Daniel Snyder is absolutely out of his freakin' mind.
That and the drugs he takes to help him grow a little bit each day.
Sorry UM...
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ReplyDeletetrade not tade
ReplyDeleteGreat, just great.
Who's Interested: Radiologists everywhere well done, sir.
ReplyDeleteGot any draft related props you would like to recommend to the wagering community?
wv: skkru
Pinups riding donkeys? You have some sick fucks there in Georgetown.
ReplyDeleteNot looking forward to hearing Berman call him "Yo! Adrian Peterson" 40 times tomorrow...
ReplyDelete@ rob i:
ReplyDeleteWould Kim Basinger eat at Arby's? I think not. Advantage: Bianca
What followed that AD clip may have been my favorite - "why am I not going underwater? Dear god, why am I not going underwater??"
ReplyDelete