This Week’s KSK Mock Draft: TV Characters We’d Like to Murder

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, it’s TV characters we would like to kill or have killed. I’ll be honest. There are a lot of Millenesque picks in here. You probably won’t respect us as much after this. Especially UM.

The rules here: Only one character per show, and fictional characters only (which pissed off Ape, who wanted to pick Tiny Fey so badly he could taste her coy flesh.

Round 1, Pick 1, Drew - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City
I fucking hate this show. I fucking hate every vile cunt on it, each of whom reminded me of my ex-girlfriend in some fashion. When Mrs. Drew watched, I had to leave the room. One time I stayed and watched Kim Cattrall’s character stare up at a firefighter and say:

“Hello, 911! I’m on fire!”

Hey, that’s clever writing! Sarah Jessica’s character was the worst – a needy, self-absorbed pile of shit who thought she had deep things to say and was nothing more than a dumb shithead. I’d send Joey Porter’s dogs on her. Actually, judging by her appearance, that already happened.

Round 1, Pick 2, UM – Tony Soprano, The Sopranos

UM’s logic? “Then I get to be the baddest motherfucker in town!” What a stupid pick. It’s obvious that, like the Jets, UM has no idea what the draft is all about.

Round 1, Pick 3, MMP – Jack Bauer, 24

“UM might hate me for saying this, but this is the dumbest fucking show on television. Magic cellphones, guns that never run out of bullets, massive plot holes. I guess these things are easy to miss when you're high. Or illiterate. But I take solace in the fact that once Bauer is gone, this show is fucking history.”

My take? Another awful pick. This was supposed to be a draft where we kill annoying characters, and here we are offing two badasses in a row. I was surprised Sonny Crockett didn’t come next.

Round 1, Pick 4, flubby – Jim, The Office

“That guy is a neurotic wuss. He couldn't close the deal wit Pam when she was drunk and practically begging for it. He wouldn't get laid in women's prison with a fist full of pardons. He is beneath my contempt.”

And that’s saying a lot, since flub is a lawyer. HEY-O!!!!!

Round 1, Pick 5, Ape – Joey Tribbiani, Friends

“Absolutely loathe this show and would delight in seeing any of its
cast members barbarically slaughtered. I'll take Matt LeBlanc's
character because he never did anything remotely funny and had a
horrible spin-off.”

I would’ve picked Ross.

Round 1, Pick 6, CC – Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

“The single most loathsome show since SATC. If doctors really acted like this bunch neurotic, immature jackasses I'd become a Christian Scientist. And are we really supposed to believe that grown men -- attractive, wealthy doctors, even -- are fighting over this skeletal bitch?”

Let me just say here that, as someone who watches this show every week (by force), the worst character of the bunch is Izzy. What a worthless piece of shit. Wah wah, I killed my fiancée. Wah wah, I don’t deserve $8 million! Wah wah, I hate Callie! Wah wah, I like being a do-gooder because I’m a self-absorbed twat! Guhhhhh. Hate her.

Round 2, Pick 1, CC – Ally McBeal, Ally McBeal

“I'm gunning down the anorexic bitches today. Ally McBeal was epically shitty. It aspired to be as shitty as Grey's Anatomy or SATC. The main character was certifiably insane (hallucinating about dancing babies?), and yet the writers of that show insisted she was a desirable character. Um, maybe for an amphibian.”

Agreed. Also, someone tell Aaron Sorkin that Sarah Paulson is the opposite of attractive.

Round 2, Pick 2, Ape – Lois Lane, The New Adventures of Superman

“Mainly I'm doing this so I can kill Teri Hatcher before Desperate Housewives can be created (or those obnoxious Radio Shack commercials with Howie Long). The character of Lois Lane has always bothered me anyway. She's only marginally above average looking, incredibly self-obsessed, a shitty reporter and possessed of a deluded notion that the only man good enough for her is Superman. High post bitch.”

Round 2, Pick 3, flubby – Jennifer Keaton, Family Ties

“Useless as tits on a boar-hog. Spent the last three seasons saying things like "I'll go check on Andy" and disappearing for the rest of the show.”

Round 2, Pick 4, MMP – Ray Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond

“Total pussy.”

I would’ve killed Debra or the mother, who were both crazy bitches.

Round 2, Pick 5, UM – Rebecca Howe, Cheers

“Sam Malone was never the same.”

Over Diane? See what I mean by Millenesque? This draft is hopeless.

Round 2, Pick 6, Drew – Vanessa Huxtable, The Cosby Show

Oh, you want to sneak out to go see The Wreched? I think not, young
lady! All your plaintive wailing for over a decade on The Cosby Show
earns you a first class ticket to death row. Bitch.

Round 3, Pick 1, Drew – Roseanne Connor, Roseanne

Honestly, who wouldn't want to see Roseanne face down in a ditch?

Round 3, Pick 2, UM – Winnie Cooper, The Wonder Years

“Fucking cocktease kept my boy on the hook for years.”

Yeah, but if Jim from The Office is a pussy, Kevin Arnold makes him
look like fucking Al Swearengen. See my old Douchebag List on FKS.

Round 3, Pick 3, MMP – Marcy D’Arcy, Married.. With Children

“Men don't WANT to become park rangers...it's not natural.”

Round 3, Pick 4, flubby – Marlo Stanfield, The Wire.

“But only if I got to do it as part of one of the episodes. Then flubby would be the mack of West Bawlmer.

The pudgy, balding white-boy mack of West Bawlmer.”

Round 3, Pick 5, Ape – One of the nameless, dickless Fashion Club hangers-on, Daria.

“Wanted to go with Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley, because I've met him and he was an ass. Having MS doesn't justify it, buddy. Anyway, I'm sure one of these characters has a name and I'm not entirely sure why I watched Daria as much as I did in high school. It was an okay show, I guess. These guys were ahead of the curve on metrosexuality in the '90s, they dressed up, fussed over their hair and plain-faced sucked up to the pretty chicks, who treated them like loathesome flunkies.”

I can’t believe Ape watched Daria.

Round 3, Pick 6, CC – Joey Gladstone, Full House.

“This is the TV show that taught me how to hate. Seriously. I went through all of grade school -- and maybe even a decent portion of junior high -- just pleased with the world, happy to be learning, and watching crappy movies like Howard the Duck without a critical eye. Everything was satisfactory. And then Full House came along... and to this day it makes me homicidal. "Cut. It. Out." How about I snap. Your. Spine. Over my knee like kindling?”

Then CC changed his pick to Turtle from Entourage

“This show is like Sex and the City, but for men. And that's not a good thing. It's a bunch of dipshit fuckstick New Yorkers hanging out with dipshit fuckstick Angelenos. And Turtle is the biggest dipshit fuckstick of them all. What a waste of carbon compounds.”

Then UM demanded to switch out Winnie Cooper for Susie Green.

Then flubby demanded to switch Keaton with HHH, who is technically a fictional character.

Inspector Gadget was also mentioned, as were Brain and Penny (how could one computer book do every fucking thing?).

And then I ended this sure to be controversial draft due to league stupidity. Let's hear it in the comments. We deserve the scorn.