Rumor: Shaun Alexander didn’t get laid until he got married at age 24.
Fact: We hoped this wasn’t true, but Shaun admits it in his autobiography. Pro football is nasty, brutish business and there are only two reasons to get involved: crazy scrilla and wild, naked tit-tays. Sounds like Shaun was leaving half the mammon on the table.
Rumor: Peyton Manning made a cool $200,000 for going to a Sweet Sixteen party.
Fact: The jury is still out on this one. Peyton insists despite numerous claims to the contrary that it wasn’t a Sweet Sixteen. Why would he lie about it? Is he afraid
Rumor: Zygi Wilf wants the Vikings to lose so he can move them out of
Fact: Our first thought is to reject this notion out of hand. You can’t blame anyone for wanting the hell out of that desolate, depressing hinterland, but Wylf seems like an earnest guy. Then he went and gave Butterfingers Bobby Wade $15 million to try to catch the passes Taveres Jackson will be throwing at his feet. There may be something to this one.
Rumor: Lance Briggs is a dick.
Fact: Yeah, big time.
Rumor: Richie Anderson pays for pussy.
Fact: We went straight to the source on this. Richie says it is purely a case of mistaken identity. “There is this dude who looks just like me. I’m always getting blamed for shit he does. When I get my hands on that fucker, it will be on like Donkey Kong.” We were kind of skeptical until we saw the picture. Now we think Richie may have been framed.
Rumor: Some wuss soccer blog beat out KSK for the 2007 Best Sports Bloggie.
Fact: Sadly this is true, but they don’t have the witty raconteurs and exquisitely beracked commenters that we do. So those guys can go choke on a bagful of monkey-cock.
Arseblog's for Clints.
ReplyDeleteShaun Alexander didn't get laid until 24? Even Brady Quinn thinks that's gay.
ReplyDeleteZygi Wilf must be a slick businessman if he's consulting the Rachel Phelps' Guide to Franchise Mismanagement. Maybe they can bring "Wild Thing" Vaughn in to play QB. I wonder if Brad Childress sells tires in the offseason, ala Lou Brown. They'll need plenty of tires for the moving vans.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is up with Richie Anderson's head? Should you even be required to wear a helmet if your dome is that big? He could give Dreamboat a run for his money when it comes to forehead acreage.
Show of hands: who had heard and knew the meaning of the word "raconteur" before the band broke last year? I for one, had/did not.
ReplyDeleteNot cool.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who died from choking on monkey cock.
i'm sorry, i kinda zoned out after "wild naked tit-ays"
ReplyDeleteI knew 'raconteur' because I took French in high school.
ReplyDeleteI'm not bragging. After all, who brags about taking French in high school?
crazy scrilla and wild, naked tit-tays
ReplyDeleteFo sho'...fo sho'
Shaun, you sure missed out on a lot of sweet Woo-Tang my man. Although, I'm sure the crazy scrilla is coming in handy in sunny and warm Seattle.
No way he'll win the Shawn Kemp award for most illegitimate children now...
Raconteur is when a big-titted singer goes on the road, right?
ReplyDeleteTout le monde en veut! je me deteste.
ReplyDeleteRumor: Rachel Nichols is 3-foot-2 and was born with both male and female genitalia.
ReplyDeleteFact: Erin Andrews' snooch smells like fresh petunias.
*sigh*
ReplyDeleteof course it falls to ME to be the token KSK ho.
fine...if I must...
Gazoo. obv. cuz he's clearly frickayyyy.
(note: it goes without saying that the proper response is neither.)
I, too, had heard of "raconteur" pre-Raconteurs. But that's because I'm one of those wordsmithing literati homos.
ReplyDeleteIs there any truth to the rumor that Zygi Wilf and Zack Wylde will be appearing this summer together on the Monsters of Consonants Tour?
ReplyDeleteThe word verification thing sure hopes so: "wkmhjz!"
I would say Richie Anderson looks a little more like Ken Griffey Jr. after drinking too much nerve tonic in the Simpsons company softball game episode. But that's just me.
ReplyDeleteRichie Anderson: Aborted Fetus
ReplyDeleteas
Payton Manning: Fetus
I would rather have my pussybasket ripped out than open my legs for Richie or Gazoo. Is Jeremy Shockey a choice? Because... yes, please.
ReplyDeleteGazoo, because you know he uses those antennae to do some very freaky things.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIntern, you took the words right out of my mouth.
ReplyDelete"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited."
I knew what raconteur meant because I took english in High School.
ReplyDeleteWOW 7.50 for eli manning! i get paid 8 an our. i can OWN HIM and have .50 cents left before taxes! And if i own him i'd get his salary. oh this sound like a good plan to me.
ReplyDeleteWOW 7.50 for eli manning! i get paid 8 an our. i can OWN HIM
ReplyDeleteYeah, but then you'd have some dopey looking, karaoke singing, hick retard who pays for sex hanging around all the time. Worth it? I think not.
Some wuss soccer blog beat out KSK for the 2007 Best Sports Bloggie.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are going down hill unfortunately. I don't know what it is lately, I can't put my finger on it. The 7th grade humor and sarcasm can only make one laugh so many times. Try more analysis.
Rob i- stop being such a little dick or I'll take away your comment invite privlidges, you queef.
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Arseblog rules! NFL is for wimps.
Soccer is a sport?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou bet your bottom, that soocer (or to give it its proper name FOOTBALL) is a sport.
ReplyDeleteArseblog rules
Perhaps you pansies need to take your padding off and play a proper contact sport
A man named "jools" just used "proper" twice in a 5 line post.
ReplyDelete(As well as betting his bottom and misspelling "soccer.")
I rest my case.
I did play soccer....when I was 5
ReplyDeleteIf soccer's a sport, how come I've never heard of it?
ReplyDeleteAll the soccer players I went to college with were no better than boy scouts--they all ended up in the woods or mountain somewhere pumping eachother in the ass.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you're a boy scout, sorry you're a fag too.
I just love seeing my little Alexander/Hamburger comparison illustrated, and I'd be happy to see it 18 times a year.
ReplyDeleteEverybody wants some, I want some too...