And yet I have friends who email me all of his greatest hits. During this offseason he's panned The Departed for being needlessly violent and expressed surprise that Matt Damon plays the title character in Saving Private Ryan, which he waited nine years to see. Here are some gems from today's installment:
i. One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick's Day. Never thought I'd love Guinness, but it's pretty close to the perfect beer.
k. Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.
It's times like this I really wish there were some sort of way to express in writing that I'm holding my face in my hands and shaking me head. Where does one even BEGIN to ridicule a jackass this clueless? He's doing this on purpose, right?
Anyway, let's avoid the obvious diatribe and standard ridicule. I hereby open up the polls for Things Peter King Might Think He Thinks About Non-Football Thoughts in the Future.
"Tried meatloaf the other night. Delicious."
"Got another email from Sergeant McCarthy in Iraq. He thinks the Rams have a chance this year. I met him once, so he's probably right."
"The other day I had trouble getting up the stairs."
"Finally saw The Godfather last weekend. Who knew Al Pacino was so good? I sure didn't expect to see Marlon Brando in the title role!"
"Turns out Bob Dylan has a son. Jakob Dylan plays for a band called 'the Wallflowers.' Must be an ironic name -- I can see them headlining some big concerts. I can't stop listening to 'One Headlight' on my iPod!"
"Have you seen Diane Keaton? What a looker!"
"Apparently the Red Sox spent a lot of money for this Jap fellow. Wait, I'm being told I'm not allowed to say 'Jap.' When did that happen? Crazy. Everyone's so sensitive these days. I blame video games and violence in movies for making things worse than they used to be."
"Just got off the phone with Jerome Bettis. He thinks Nate Clements is worth the money in San Francisco. Can't say I like San Francisco. Too many hills. I had some tremendous sodomy there, though."
I'd do more, but thinking about this clown makes my head hurt. I invite you to add your PK mental diarrhea in the comments.
Water is a decidedly underrated beverage
ReplyDeleteI was recently in London and they had the Internet out there. Can you believe it? I guess that's why they call it the world wide web.
ReplyDeleteCC you fucker. I'm not sure if my head's going to explode or I'm going to get fired.
ReplyDeleteHe's right though, the sodomy in San Fran IS tremendous
ReplyDeleteTom Brady sure is pretty
ReplyDeleteI was stuck at JFK airport the other day because they were searching my luggage (apparently my exact replica of Brett Favre's dong looked like a bomb to the x-ray people) and I discovered this great new beverage...it's called coffee, I think, and you can put things like milk or sugar in it...or, if you're me, an entire chocolate cake.
ReplyDeleteKids today are fat, can I have another Venti Frappuchino with two dozen biscottis to go?
ReplyDelete"The sodomy in San Fran is even better than this bread I tried there. I think it was called 'sourdough.'"
ReplyDelete"So, after 23 years of marriage I found out about this 'pussy' thing. Battle-axe keeps it between her legs and, believe it or not, it feels pretty good to stick your thing in there.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm getting old; I thought wives were only good for nagging, fixing the toilet when I clog it, and introducing me to cool leisure activities, like watching 'football' or drinking the occasional brewsky."
Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school!
ReplyDeleteI heard that there is a basketball tourney going on - you know, I'm sticking with Duke winning it all -they always have a great team.
ReplyDeleteI tried out this motorized carriage the other day. Apparently, the kids are calling it the "automobile!" Makes travelling much easier! What will they think of next??
ReplyDeleteand the gay erotica starts in 5...4...3...2.......
ReplyDeleteSounds like the gap between Peter King and Larry King is rapidly being reduced to nothing.
ReplyDeleteOn my drive from Cherry Hill, NJ to Tampa the other day for Spring Training, I noticed that the speed limit was now 85mph on I-95. When the heck did they raise it from 55mph? I just thought all those kids were being mean for flipping me off as they sped around me.
ReplyDeleteBack in my day at Montclair State...
They are apparently starting to call that big mysterious ball of fire in the sky "the Sun." And get this: its not going to fall on us at any second. Just goes to show how goofy I am when it comes to Science.
ReplyDeleteBDD:
ReplyDeleteAnd Milton Berle is hung like an ox...as I learned in San Francisco.
The earth is round? No f'n way - it's flat and if you sail to the edge, you may fall off!! Or get eaten by a sea monster while sailing.....
ReplyDelete"For my money, nothing helps me wake up in the morning like a cup of coffee and a long, hot shower. Miss either one and I'm not right for the rest of the day."
ReplyDeletePresident Kennedy was shot ? When did that happen ? And does anyone think the USA hockey team can upset the Soviets in Lake Placid ?
ReplyDeletealso, have you noticed that the sun feels really warm and that snow is cold ? Weird.
I just realized you can make groups of words into "sentences" and thus into a "column" and someone will pay you for it regardless of the "column"'s relevance.
ReplyDeleteCall me old fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as gods...and fear them.
ReplyDeleteRecently ran into this fellow named John Amaechi in Chicago who used to play in the NBA. He's such an articulate fellow, quite handsome, and a great dresser. Made me wonder how a gal hasn't snatched this guy up already.
ReplyDeleteWow, technology makes complicated things like photography a lot easier these days. I just bought my daughter one of those new "digital" cameras - and it is amazing how clear the pictures are. Good thing she only puts them on her computer, I wouldn't want too many people to see some of her more compromising shots.
ReplyDeleteThis column I'm writing goes on something people are calling "the internet," and I'm telling you, it's great stuff. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteWatching Tony Dungy walk through a busy Indiana Convention Center, I can't imagine Bono or K-Fed drawing a bigger crowd. Maybe Britney Spears. Maybe.*
ReplyDelete*From an actual column.
Took a trip to NYC the other day, and dog my cats, those Twin Towers are GONE! Musta been a pretty exciting demolition, like when they levelled the Kingdome, but somehow nobody told me.
ReplyDeletemitch kayak-
ReplyDeletegreat State reference. you now have my undying allegiance.
Just got the entire first season of "Doogie Howser MD" on the new DVD format. Boy, when that Neil Patrick Harris grows up he'll be able to have any woman he wants.
ReplyDeleteStumbled across an interesting station while channel-surfing the other day. Food Network. Shows folks cooking and eating. Incredible what people will watch nowadays.
ReplyDelete"Next time you get nostalgic for the Fourth of July, try this - ball your hands up into fists and rub them into your closed eyes. It's like your own private fireworks show."
ReplyDeleteI was going through my fridge in the basement and found some Crystal Pepsi - this stuff is great! I got to remember to pick some up next time I'm at the local food-mart.
ReplyDeleteRecently discovered this pill that can make my penis work. Boy is Mrs. King happy
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm watching a marathon of Norm MacDonald doing Larry King.
ReplyDelete"If you only see one film the rest of your life it should be 'Mickey Blue Eyes'."
"Of all of the figures of the 20th Century one of the greatest has to be Robert Urich."
"The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the equator."
"I just tied an onion to my belt, which apparently is the style of the times."
ReplyDeleteburnsy:
ReplyDelete"Does anybody remember baseball cards?"
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/99/99clarryking1.phtml
There is nothing better than a $0.50 cup of coffee at my local diner. As much as I like coffee, I cannot ever imagine a coffee shop charging $5 for a cup of coffee. No one will ever pay that price. That’s like trying to sell water in a bottle – why pay for water when you can get it for free out of your sink?
ReplyDeleteEither I'm getting bigger or these Ventis are getting smaller...god damn this key chain is big...if i ran Starbucks I'd open a special bathroom club for the wealthy...A big ball of frozen whipped butter on a waffle cone would just have to be good!...Tank Johnson is really missing out by not being in genpop.
ReplyDelete"I was in LA last week and ducked into Starbucks for a vente half-cal frappuccino (my new favorite). Ran into this young man named Bill Simmons who told me he was a writer...quite a witty and engaging fellow, as well as an excellent sodomist. I hope he makes it big someday..."
ReplyDelete"Just received a wonderful bj from a young man in a powder blue Chargers jersey. Why they don't wear those for every game is beyond me."
ReplyDeleteThere's some guy in Iran or Iraq. Sodomy Hussein? Sounds like my kind of guy! I'll be keeping an eye on . . . what? We had him hanged?! Damn you Reagan!!!
ReplyDeleteBurnsy:
ReplyDelete"Actor Kelsey Grammer, one class act!"
Some website, Making Out With Someone or Other, apparently enjoys taking shots at me. Who knew I could be such a lynchpin for all that's wrong with the mainstream sports media? Well, at least ESPN isn't suffering the same problem.
ReplyDeleteTurned on the talking box in the parlor and, by gum, there was a channel with sports on ALL DAY! Who were the ad wizards that came up with that one?
ReplyDeleteTurns out that when you cook your food instead of shoving it into your mouth raw, you don't have to spend the next 3 hours in the john counting tiles.
ReplyDeleteThis is made possible by this wonderful invention called fire. I wonder if it has any other uses.
I just bought one of those Harry Connick laserdisc things, but when I put it on my hifi, it sounded like Nirvana.
ReplyDeleteSeems like someone over here at SI had this brilliant idea to...get this...stop writing about sports for an entire week to publish an ENTIRE ISSUE of women...in bikinis...posing provocatively. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteI tell ya, somebody's head is gonna roll when the higher ups find out about these shenanigans.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
ReplyDeletefallex: your picture frightens me.
ReplyDeleteThat might just be the greatest achievement in mulletry I've ever seen. And I grew up in the South.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend's sleeping with another guy.
ReplyDeletethat's not me mocking Peter King, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is sleeping with another guy.
that Larry King / Onion thing some girl who was smart enough to make her avatar who boobs because no one would care about her face posted up above was pretty damn funny.
"A friend just gave me a great tool for sticking things to the wall with spikes - it's like a club with a metal end. It works so much better than my forehead! Sadly, the brain damage I've already caused is irreversible."
ReplyDeleteJust received word via "telegram" from young Sgt. Audie Murphy that this Mussolini guy might be worth keeping an eye on.
ReplyDeleteRDG, you want to try that again in English?
ReplyDeleterdg: I think BDD posted that. Focus.
ReplyDeletej4b: thanks. it's what I like to picture your favorite racist commenter looks like.
otto: grew up in 'da souf,' too (sheltered within Atlanta's city limits however), and I was aghast when I saw it, thus I had to have it.
From the Onion Larry King column: Kudos to the Jews and all the ways they entertain us
ReplyDeleteKudos UM
what fallex said.
ReplyDeleteand I'm pretty, dammit.
my mom says so.
I have a friend who works at CNN, and rumor has it that whenever "Larry King Live" goes to commercial break, Larry just sits there at the desk and makes loud old-man farts.
ReplyDeleteNo apologies, no embarrassment. Just him letting them fly in front of Queen Noor or Angela Lansbury or whatever really important figure he has sitting across from him.
"For what it's worth, I prefer the New Mexico over the original"
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThat Tony Romo has a really big penis. Sodomy is most excellent when Romo's behind your center, let me tell you.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best discoveries of mid-morning: Guinness. Never thought I could write my column hammered at 10:04 am and nobody would notice the difference. Rocking "Free to Be You and Me" on my iPod Nano Nano. Whatever happened to that Mork kid? Hey, who peed my pants?
ReplyDeleteI recently bought this device where I can talk on the phone any where. It's called a "cellular telephone" and I think someday it could replace the car phone.
ReplyDeleteWas supposed to have dinner with a ballplayer named Darryl Kile the other night, but he stood me up. Not the first time it's happened this past year. Kirby Puckett, Ken Caminiti, Harry Caray, and Walter Payton all were no shows too. Starting to think I need to hire a new secretary who's a bit more proficient with handling my appointments.
ReplyDeleteWhile on the subject of appointments, anybody else get annoyed when you make an appointment for the pediatrician and still end up having to wait twenty minutes before he can see you? In the end though, the lollipop and sticker make it worth the wait.
So I usually just defecate into a diaper and have the little lady clean up, but she was in Italy with her gal pals a while ago, and after a few nights I found this thing called a flush toliet. I'm probably way behind here, I'm sure most of you have heard of it, but let me tell you, it really controls the mess when all the shit that comes out of me either goes in the toliet or my column.
ReplyDeleteI recently found out that women, if you can believe it, can vote in elections! What's next? The coloreds?
ReplyDeleteI went to a restaurant the other day and had what's called a "hamburger." It's a hot beef sandwich and it had catsup, onion, pickles and mustard on it. I don't know but the sign claims they've served over a billion of them! WOW!
Apparently the gays are having a little problem with something called GRID.
Elvis (Grbac?) is a musican and a pretty good one at that. Give a listen to "Hound Dog" and tell me what you think!
Well that's about all I'm going to get out of this Emerson No. 3 writing machine, take care folks!
This Betamax thing is sure to catch on.
ReplyDeleteJust found out "George Bush" has been President of the U.S. THREE times! I thought a guy only got to do it twice -- how'd this dude get away with this ?!
ReplyDeleteDouche
ReplyDeleteI met with Drew Brees the other day... I am excited at the Saints secret tactic they plan to unveil. it may revilutionize the sport of Football, it is something known as the "Forward Pass".
ReplyDelete"Thought Guinness was good? Well, I just discovered me some magical beverage called Zima. Never before did I feel more like a man."
ReplyDeleteSaw this commercial last night for this great looking craftmatic adjustable bed. Man, that thing looks sweet
ReplyDeleteVisited the kids this weekend they had this crazy new Atari thing. I don't claim to know how to work it but it looks like fun.