Tuesday, March 27, 2007
100 Future NFL Player Names
If you haven’t filled out your brackets over at the Name of the Year blog, you’d best do it in a hurry. Me, I picked Vanilla Dong to take it all, with bonus points for irony if Vanilla Dong is a black person. Inspired by that blog, and by John Hodgman’s 700 hobo names, I’ve compiled a handy list of 100 future NFL stars. These are players who do not exist yet. So, should you find yourself giving birth to a future All-Pro, feel free to partake from this list. Just be sure you use Bigdaddydrew for a middle name.
-Whip Jensen
-Thunderstick Cherry
-#1 Pinckney
-Frankincense Cornell
-Asswipe Johnson
-Peytonmanning Manning
-ESPNClassic Bailey
-Gandalf Jackson
-Colt Schmuck
-Snatch Tucker
-Tucker Snatch
-Dracula Washington IV
-James “Assboulders” Jameson
-Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder McNabb
-Heroin Marinovich
-Ding Dong
-Iron Douglas
-Freebird Skynyrd Mayweather
-Leather Berman
-Sexualize Funtime
-FUBU Jefferson
-FUBU Wright
-FUBU Babyphat Nelson
-D’Var’Shon’Ex Dellacroix
-Unytas Thompson
-Irresistible Force Garrison
-Immovable Object Garrison
-Sexcannon Cammon
-Puddingcan Vick
-Highlife Morgan
-Qock Dergan
-Arcade McNown
-Majestic Stevens
-Deez Nutz Carlson
-Pale Rider Ufford
-Taylortyler Reese
-Haterationiswrong Loverman
-DeVry Hickenlooper
-Wutang Clanton
-Lean Kiel
-Metal Gear Solid Varney
-iPod Lowenstein
-iTunes Music Store Lowenstein
-Sword Swanson
-Magiccock Blaster Kim
-Fuckgisele Brady-Moynahan
-‘Ggyuonn (pronounced John) Nelligan
-Chattanooga Choochoo
-Defies Categorization Yukendo
-Budweiser Hot Seat Smith
-Mr. Tibbs Tibbs
-Quizshow Redding
-Touch The Sky Cioffi
-Frantz Underpantz Besen
-Seanito Salibury
-KFC Jones
-Allterrainvehicle Farley
-Mary Beth King
-Pharris Bueller Bueller
-Raped Zimmer
-Anti-Vincent Vincent
-Beastieboy Gregory
-Gatorade Frost Kingston
-Glandular Problem Brown
-Eyenstein Theismann
-Tarquin Flimbim Limbim Bustop Fetang Fetang Ole Biscuitbarrel
-Dictionary Encyclopedia Phelps
-Purpleone Savior Wilson
-Grade A Huber
-Magic Hat No. 9 Fischer
-Sociology Professor Dickson
-Volt McCumber
-Doctor Asstap Harden
-Fabian Darian IV Hibbert IV
-Blackie Lawless
-Levi Dockers Jones
-Tarantula Adams
-Milkdud Carter
-I Ain’t Signing Shit (or IASS) Gibbons
-Jamesbond Schwatrz
-Anquandejuandanteantwan Farrelly
-! Morris
-Chevy Tahoe Vardell
-Duke Of York Bonger
-Scooter Cooter
-Has2fuck Garrison
-Ray “Christ” Lewis Jr.
-Auschwitz Derringer (excellent sprinter)
-Playa Player
-Hypnotiq Van de Kamp
-Grandtheftauto Vicecity Lorring
-Myspace Fellatio
-Crown Royal
-Britny Fox
-Megatron Vampira
-Kingofpop 2.0 Quinnipiac
-Meatwad
-Eczema Phillips
-Topgun Simmons
-Git-r-done McMasters
This list clearly needs improvement. Yours in the comments.
hennessyandcoke smith
ReplyDeleteAs an added bonus, several of these names can also be used as names for future acts of sexual depravity performed by future NFL players. In fact, I've already tried the Chattanooga Choochoo and ended up walking with a limp for two weeks. Probably because I'm not NFL material.
ReplyDeleteSniffaline Witthahoes
ReplyDeleteDoodad Sensimilla
ReplyDeleteAuschwitz Derringer
ReplyDeleteGRANDMA!!!
NOTY is a great blog, i voted for Intelligent Infinite Botts. also, ironic becuase the guy is not very intelligent.
ReplyDeletemore future names:
Syzurp Sippin
Nosmo King
Makit Rain Jones
Asswipe Johnson
ReplyDeleteOne of the great SNL moments. "It's pronounced Az-wee-pay! AZ-WEE-PAY!"
Tupac Featuring Biggie
ReplyDeleteYou beat me to it, Otto. Well played.
ReplyDelete"The Nate Rockne story. Hey Nate, win one for the Gipper! NA-AAAAATE!!!"
"Hello little Bjardkirk. Yeah, that's a tough name to crack."
Future WNBA star Persephone Fistblast
ReplyDeleteWish I could take credit for it, but my roommate made the biggest lineman ever in Madden '04 and named him what else? JT Eatbaby.
ReplyDeleteFelch Manning
ReplyDeleteDoublehead Smoot
and his cousin Jadoublehead Smoot III
I'm going to go with Richard "Dick" Longfellow.
ReplyDeleteHey, slightly off the topic, but did anyone else know there was a place called Fucking, Australia?
Turducken O'Bryan
ReplyDeleteI always liked the way Korova Milkbar rolls off the tongue.
ReplyDeleteThe comedian Louie C.K. had a nice bit about wanting to name his first child "Ladies and Gentlemen," just so he could sound formal when yelling at him. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated! Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to start!"
ReplyDeleteI didn't know about Fucking, Australia, but I have been to Big Bone Lick State Park in Ohio.
I'm all about Dauntravious Thomas. Future starting DE for Florida A&M.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there a Jorvorski (forget last name) on the Texas A&M football team?
ReplyDelete-Puddinpops Cosby
ReplyDelete-Melavaqua (single names are great)
-Abraham Cunningham
-Muhammad Losingbacon
-Xerxes Xcitement
-Malevolence Tyson
There's a Scientific Mapp basketball player
ReplyDeleteToehold Knottslanding
ReplyDeleteTonimontanna Poster
ReplyDeleteExree Hipp approves.
ReplyDeletethis post has the potential to garner the most comments ever.
ReplyDeletethere was a sad story of child abuse where i live not to long ago. the kids involved were named hennessy and Xctasy.
also, there is a kid that plays basketball for URI , first name: Parfait !
I'm betting some athlete out there emerges with a classical Greek name, like Testicles or Fallopia.
ReplyDeleteStanazolol Merriman
ReplyDeleteDog Food Artest
Any name that features a tongue click
wv: vuqvad - what Porky Pig did to Miss Piggy
Quo Vadimus
ReplyDeleteMeasty Q. Furburger!
ReplyDeletei win.
Sonja Cameltoe
ReplyDeleteBrick Tamlin
ReplyDeleteLacy Underalls
ReplyDeleteTestes Been Arrestes
ReplyDeleteWhitey D. Blackman
ReplyDeleteJose K'n See
Bonds B'n Made
Bonds B'n Denied
just saw the blackie lawless refernece on the list. nice, although WASP was never really that good of a band.
ReplyDeleteRoy Jones Junior Jr.
ReplyDeleteMohammed Mufasa Smith
Noname Jones (pronounces no-nah-meh)
Bone Thuggs
Drew Rosendouche
ReplyDeletefetus head miller
ReplyDeletebill simmons is a massive deusch ________
ron mexico paige
woody paige is a pice of journalistic shit arenas
Kristal Champagne Drinker
ReplyDeleteRusty Kuntz (i know he was a baseball player)
Placenta Jones
ReplyDeleteGay Miserableotti
ReplyDeleteBuck Turgidson
ReplyDeleteMilkdud Carter
ReplyDeleteEric Snow takes offense.
All of the listed names would be right at home in this futureworld where names like "Lexus" and "Frito" are common... "Idiocracy"
ReplyDeletehttp://www.underconsideration.com/speakup/archives/003066.html
Perenium Rodriguez
ReplyDeleteSpace "Doc" King
Billy Goatse
Harold Taint
Wolfgang Van Halen
Oddibe "Scrubber" Chode
ReplyDeleteKal-el Coppola
ReplyDeleteFifi Trixibelle
Peaches Honeyblossom
Tiger Lily Heavenly Hirani
Rainbow Joan of Arc
Audio Science
Sage Moon Blood
Too bad UNC's Jaworski Pollack (p.s. he's black) didn't make the league.
ReplyDeleteSomething funny about the name Biggus Dickus?
ReplyDelete@devang
ReplyDeleteJovorski Lane plays for Texas A&M.
i'd love to know how his mom came up with that name.
Nice work on Kal-El Coppola. And ironic, given that his Dad played the aforementioned Asswipe Johnson on SNL.
ReplyDeleteFor my final bet, I'm going with Vagina Dentata.
I hate this new blogger. Re-posting my comment from 2 hours ago:
ReplyDeleteThere's a Scientific Mapp basketball player.
He's the younger brother of Majestic Mapp who went to UVA and transferred to a really small school after his knee surgery didn't take. Was supposed to be the next great point guard from NYC.
How about these gems:
Queef McManus
Lemonjello Jenkins
Q'unique (pronounced UNIQUE) O'Tierney
Luc Richard Mbah a'Moute (wait that's taken)
Duany Duany (that's taken too? SHIT!)
OK...Peaches Eisenbaum...it could happen.
Isn't Vagina Dentata the name of the unreleased Police album?
ReplyDelete+1 burnsy
ReplyDeleteRobin T. Hood and the T. stands for The
ReplyDeletewinner and loser obrien ( taken.)
ReplyDeletepimp (boy) johnson
def. maurice clarret jr.
jon amae.......
ReplyDeletewhat the fuck jeff garcia just walked in and smacked me with a rainbow banner.
Hyundai Jenkins
ReplyDeleteXbox Jones
Dos Tres Williams
Misteke Smith
Juan Mexico
For the Jews: L'Hadlik Nair
ReplyDeleteFor fans of Boyz 'n tha Hood:
Deleterious Styles
Because "Lavurnues" is pronounced "LaVernious": Shithead Wallace (pronounced "Sha-THEED")
For gourmands/Philly residents: LeBeck Finn
For the Jews, Part II: Oyvetta Jefferson
For a dual career in the NFL and the San Fernando Valley: Jack Mahogany
Great Name, Lousy State, Deserves Resurrection: Lord De La Warr
For No Damn Reason:
Vengeance McAfee
Alfredo Titsoon
Vomitus Blankenship
Eldorado Feinberg
Syphylettus Taylor
M'Hogg Al-Dente
and...
Karen Carpenter
Koala Leaf - nickname "Eucalyptus"
ReplyDeletePacman Jones Johnson. The second.
ReplyDeleteChlamydia Fitzwilliams
ReplyDeleteUrethra Franklin
ReplyDeleteScud Patriot
Eldridge "Meat" Cleaver
Jefferson Jackson "JJ" Dinner
Vicodin Jack Daniels
C. Thomas "Thurston" Howell, III
Alopecia Areata
Jimmy Von Hayes
Eddie Von Hayes
Von Hayes
E'Pluribus Wyatt
Velchronic Abazaid
Chiefjustice Rehnquist
Jesus Fucking Christ
Aeorticus Finch
Alfred Quaeda
Manfred Mann-Chylde
Toyota Prius
Inveetro Morrison
L'De'Shawn Worshingtun
ReplyDeleteFuhrer Bailey
ReplyDeleteCaptain Morgan (probably already exists)
Akh Sident
Brett Farve
Isn't Vagina Dentata the name of the unreleased Police album?
ReplyDeleteSwish!
True story: I went to college with a kid whose legal name was Cocaine. Guy should have no problem finding employment.
ReplyDeleteStill, best student name I ever heard while in school: Scott Free.
I heard she got off Scott Free.
Jack Meoff
ReplyDeleteHugh Jass
Heywood Jablomi
Brady Quinn
Eureka Pott
ReplyDeleteTigol Bitty
D'kwantae Progeria
Atheist Christpuncher
ReplyDeleteHey, Lionel McClure yeah during my time at Ft Gordon GA there was a female captain on the post and her last name was Morgan.
ReplyDeleteSmokin hot too.
Osama Bush
ReplyDelete700 Hobo Names is pure genius, as well as his entire book.
ReplyDeleteBiff Squatthrust
ReplyDeleteBig McLargehuge
oh btw you cannot beat the real-life hilarity (yeah I cant spell) that comes from the army's rank system combined with some people's last names
ReplyDeletefor a while our company had our very own
Private Ho
corporal dick in a box
ReplyDeleteStill, best student name I ever heard while in school: Scott Free.
ReplyDeleteThere was a kid at MSU whose legal name was Luscious N. Delicious. He was in my Kant class, and the highlight of every Tuesday was the prof. taking roll...the quizzical look on his face was delightful.
Spicy McHaggis (stolen from the dropkick murphy's)
ReplyDeleteRoafie Truestart
ReplyDeleteRaChester Maleman
BDD, you sir are a delight.
Footiepajamas Crenshaw?
ReplyDeleteit ain't my party but:
ReplyDeleteJehosaphat Tammany Prime
Also, FINE work, Ladies and Gents. Best early morning internets ever.
purple van beethoven
ReplyDeletedayquiln budweiser
Mister Rogers
ReplyDeleteBalco Bonds
BiggiePac Combs
Q-Bert Jones
Cosmo Kramer
Sean Preston Federline
Holly Mangold
The chutzpah...Dan Snyder shouldn't be using such a goyische kopf.
ReplyDeleteHow about the ex-Colorado basketball player:
ReplyDeleteHouse Guest
Or the Mets Farm hand
Wonderful Monds III