The bad news is that the KSK Gay Mafia's annual convention (AKA Hot Buttered Love Fest '07), which had been scheduled to go down this weekend at an undisclosed temple of Unsilent Majority's choosing, has been postponed indefinitely.
The good news is that KSK has named its official Super Bowl XXXXI correspondent, and that person is none other than ME, Captain Caveman. That's right: I'm going to Miami.
It is SO. Fucking. On.
I know what you're thinking: He's just trying to get a ride on the Spain Train. That is completely untrue. Also, that nickname is disrespectful and inappropriate. Her name is "Sarah." She's a human being, too, you know.
No, I'm not going specifically for Miss Spain, though my application to be her date has been submitted, and I have to say I'm feeling pretty confident about it (two words: cock shot). The excuse I have for going to Miami -- at least until I score a ticket to the big game -- is that I managed to swing a media pass (with a +1, thank you very much) to Saturday night's Penthouse party.
Yes, the same Penthouse party that you, too, can go to if you buy a $1000 ticket. If you had a thousand dollars to spend on one frivolous night of drinking and ogling nude models. But you don't. You fucking plebes.Ah, but who shall I take? Decisions, decisions. Perhaps I'll hold an Internet contest where interested females must send me emails (with pictures, natch) in order to be my date to the exclusive open-bar party. Hmmmm... Tempting, but no. I'm not opposed to the concept, but it's not quite original any more. So I guess the ticket goes to either Miss Sarah Spain or whomever offers me a bed... or both -- wink, wink. (note to Sarah: totally kidding! Pick me!)
However, I suppose I'm willing to entertain offers. Ladies, the hotline is open. Send me an email containing a typo-free essay with flawless grammar and at least one picture, and maybe we'll talk. Especially if that picture has titties.
Stay tuned here and at With Leather for all my reports from Miami, starting Thursday night. Probably. It depends on how much I drink. I may very well die this weekend.
What's the point of taking a lady to a Penthouse party?
ReplyDeleteSell your +1 to a guy, and take the cash to flash at the scantily clad whores in attendence at said party. One (or more) of them will go home with you, thus increasing your chances of doing your best Sex Cannon impression tenfold.
Just remember, CC -- the sexy e-mail, titty-flashing pics, & promises of blowjobs from angles you never contemplated will be nice.
ReplyDeleteBut the "girl" who sends them will undoubtedly be the same one who shows up to meet you at the airport with stubble, bad B.O., a bulge in his pants, & even worse, no money.
You'd better confirm the XX genetic make-up of "the winner" before getting this thing off the ground.
I think you should give the +1 to Chris Henry.
ReplyDeleteJust don't let AJ park the car, or Winslow pick the girls, and you should make it out alive.
ReplyDeleteIs this when Miami loses its "You pretty. I want make vagina cry" cherry? Good luck, don't catch anything recurring!
ReplyDeleterexy and ksk in the same town. i will be praying for the vaginas of miami.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way that this can go terribly wrong at all.
ReplyDeleteCC is going to Miami, and he feels like partying.
ReplyDeleteJust remember to share pictures.
It's so cute that Captain Caveman thinks he has a chance, but I think she'd prefer a man who can be 6 feet tall WITHOUT jumping. Enjoy your time at the Penthouse, Captain, but the Spain Train won't be needing a Captain. You can just call me The Conductor for now... because I'm going to be collecting a ticket come Wednesday night.
ReplyDeleteHey boss, how about that Christmas bonus you promised me?
ReplyDeleteAnd I have to agree with Bulger, why would you bring a date to a Penthouse party? That's like bringing a random date to an Alpha Phi's wedding.
That's exactly what happened. Oceana has always been at war with Eurasia.
ReplyDeleteMinipax states that Oceana and Eurasia have always been allies against EastAsia.
ReplyDeleteHe's just trying to get a ride on the Spain Train...That nickname is disrespectful and inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteThat nickname is fucking brilliant and you know it.
You can hang with Simmons and Jemele Hill at that party! That my friends is why you bring a date. Ok baby I'll let you meet Diddy and Shaq and D-Wade but you have to wear this bikini top and mini skirt and if your hand ever leaves my pants in the next 48 hours without my consent then you're in for a heap of trouble.
ReplyDeleteIf there is hope...it lies in the proles
ReplyDeleteCaveman is forced to take sand to the beach b/c she's the one with an extra ticket to the game. He's got something she (presumable) wants and she's got something he wants (I'm taking about the ticket assholes). Its a sacrifice that has to be made.
ReplyDeleteIf you want a picture of the future, imagine a sex cannon blasting onto a human face, forever . . .
ReplyDeletei will be praying for the vaginas of miami.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. The Dolphins will be fine.
So a lady has to impress you with her grammar AND titties, just to accompany you to a party? If this included a game ticket and accommodations that wouldn't end up being the back of my car, I'd be flooding your inbox.
ReplyDeleteOf course you bring a woman - a woman who is a serious bisexual who can lip lock a lady in 5 seconds, and then brings her over to share.
ReplyDeleteIf The Spain Train features fish tacos, than Game On.
CC - I expect to hear of some babies named Matt in 9 months demanding child support.
Whoever you take should have to dress up like Suzy Kolber, after all, this all wouldn't have been possible without her.
ReplyDeleteMake us proud CC, no wait, embarrass the shit out of yourself so you'll have some good stories to tell.