It's playoff time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the playoff matchups. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Colts-Chiefs game:
"The key to this game is coaching. Take Tony Dungy for example, he's a guy who knows a little
something about the playoffs...'That's how our league is set up, and that's how you win championships -- by winning in the playoffs.' That's the kind of outside-the-box thinking that just doesn't show up on a resume... What separates Larry Johnson from the rest of the league's running backs is his powerful ass and Dungy knows it. 'He's [got] a great back[side]. We'll have our hands full.'
Everybody around the league has been gushing over LJ's matchup against the Colts, well I don't buy it. It's Herm Edwards' time to shine, so when you see a glare on your television remember, it's probably just the lights reflecting off of his glowing cheeks.Us NFL insiders know a little secret that the common fan would never think of, it's all about the names--so keep an eye on the Chiefs Rudy Niswanger. He doesn't really play but his jersey makes all the other players giggle... The game could come down to a bucket of fried chicken, you see the Colts are undefeated when Bob Sanders dines on the Colonel's finest before taking the field. Apparently the Colonel had a little something in common with Tony Romo's great great great grandmother... Dominic Rhodes pronounces his name "Dominique" which is fucking bullshit, if your parents botch the birth certificate it's too fucking bad (isn't that right Dwyane?)... I don't trust Ty Law or anybody else with a five letter name.
Kyle Turley is the first guy to ever play in the NFL with Down Syndrome, truly inspirational... Injuries could be a bit of an issue, I'm hearing whispers that Priest Holmes may not be healthy enough to play--what a fuckin' pussy... Tamba Hali is from Liberia, a country with far less liberty than their name would indicate--very sneaky Liberian Tourism Association... If you think the scout up there looks creepy you should see Peyton Manning in a room full of lustful women...awk-ward.
I like the Colts by by a dozen."
Now THAT is some good analysis. Suck it, Ditka!
Good Christ.. is that guy a charter member of NAMBLA?
ReplyDeleteUm...Colts by 12?
ReplyDeleteI think it'll be Chiefs by a field goal.
with a gay Caribbean accent: "be brave ,be proud to be a boy lover." (Yes I've heard on Stern enough times to know this).
ReplyDeleteHey, Order of the Arrow and a Jamboree patch, that guy's...nevermind, I said none of this.
ReplyDeletegood analysis, UM.
I think it'll be Chiefs by a field goal.
ReplyDeleteI don't recall asking your opinion
i just love it when quarterbacks with laser rocket arms choke in the playoffs.
ReplyDeleteWatching Peyton Manning walk off the field after a loss never gets old. His big ol' head about to fall of his neck because he's staring at the ground so hard. I can't help but laugh evertime.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah and his punk ass knocked my #1 seeded team out of the playoffs in the first round so he needs to burn in eternal hellfire as far as I'm concerned.
Wait, what just happened?? Good analysis, but Chiefs by a TD.
ReplyDeleteBURN, BURN, BURN
I gotta agree with UM here.
ReplyDeleteThe Chiefs suck on the road, they're from the crappy part of the MidWest, and their QB played football at Indiana University
This KC team is the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever did suck.
Actually, blame Dwyane's Grnadma and Grnadpa. He's actually Dwyane Jr.
ReplyDeleteDon't give me the credit, it was our special analyst!
ReplyDeleteRight. Thanks to the NAMBLA Scout Master.
ReplyDeleteBURN, BURN, BURN
Special Analyst/UM - whatever.
ReplyDeleteI know gum isn't about to say that those shitholes Saint Louis or Chicago are the gems of the midwest...
ReplyDeleteHey, I grew up in the midwest and I like both Chicago and St. Louis. Gems of the Midwest? As much of a gem you can find in the midwest. Sure, why not. What else you got - Indy?
ReplyDeleteDoesn't under-choke have something to do with tickling the taint?
ReplyDeleteum, that post was a fraction of a fraction of the funny that usually winds up on this blog. there's so much hilarious material you could tinker with in terms of herm, tony or anyone on their teams or the history of either one in its entirety. unfortuneately, like peyton in the post-season, you missed the bus.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad, UM. That fraction of a fraction is actually 13/16 of 53/64. Not that bad, really.
ReplyDeleteThe only "gems" in the Midwest are the ones inside Rex Grossman's sack. And without them, he would not be able to ejaculate touchdowns
ReplyDeleteWow, go commenters. +1 to JL White and the Last Unitard.
Remember--it is not officially the playoffs until Peyton Manning chokes. This is a universal truth that cannot be denied.
ReplyDeleteohhhhhhhhhhhh SCOUT.
ReplyDeleteI just got that.
Which one is Dungy and which one is Edwards again?
ReplyDeleteyou missed the bus
ReplyDeleteI was busy fucking your wife.
Only Peyton Manning can make me root for the goddamn Chiefs.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be so nice to see both him and Eli with those stupid looks on their faces when they both get rumphed this weekend.
we can only pray
ReplyDeleteChiefs will lose. Dammit, take it from someone who knows. We are cursed losers. How many fucking previous playoff appearance let downs do I have to reference. Last superbowl appearance was in the 70's.
ReplyDeleteColts by a field goal, ironically.
um -- nice generic comeback. seeing as how i'm not married, how 'bout you dig down in that sac of unoriginality and try again? huh? you can't dig because your hands are tied up stroking chesney and sheeli? oh, well that's okay... effin douche...
ReplyDeletenice generic comeback. seeing as how i'm not married
ReplyDeleteFine then, fuck your mother.
they're generic for a reason...i don't really care.
With a a name like bankmeister, you think he'd be all about some hebe-love.
ReplyDelete