It's New Year's Eve. As a 30-year-old parent, I'm well past the days of buying a $100 wristband for some bar, waiting in lines 9-deep for a beer and then convincing myself I'm having fun. It's a quiet night in the BDD household. I'll drink a nice toast to the awesome power of my penis, have a Lindt truffle, offer sex to the Mrs., fail, and then call it a night. But I do know the rest of the gang has some pretty wild stuff planned.
Unsilent plans on drinking some fancy wine from his parents' cellar and then listening to a hip hop record he's convinced himself he likes.
Punter plans on fucking a donkey while wearing a Darth Vader mask and videotaping it.
Ape will be writing a post about the Steelers.
flubby will be maintaining his candlelight vigil for Al Davis' official death.
Caveman will be trying to nail a Becky by busting out some of his fanciest Marine jargon (example: "You pretty. I want make vagina cry.")
And Falco will continue to slowly decay at the bottom of the East River.
As for the rest of you, as you go out into the neverending promise of the night, I'm here to make two important public service announcements:
1) My email address has changed. If you want to send an email for Reader Mail Bukkake, or if you'd like to tell me I'm a big fag, send it to bigdaddydrew@gmail.com.
2) You will probably be attending a party or two this evening. Perhaps you will even be hosting one. If they have artichoke dip wherever you're going, bomb the place to the ground. Artichoke dip is fucking disgusting and should be banned. It has three things in it:
-Artichokes
-Mayo
-Cheese
Okay, only one of those things is good. And it's ruined by the other two. You mayalready know my stance on mayo. Mayo makes any food taste British. Guhhhhhh. And artichokes are the go-to vegetable for people who don't like eating.
Avoid this horrid shit. And if you're serving it tonight, a pox on your Ikea-decorated apartment. I hate artichoke dip.
I'm pretty sure Shayne Graham loves artichoke dip.
ReplyDeleteI hope Denver does too. Fuck the horseheads.
ReplyDeleteSpinach and artichoke dip kicks artichoke dip's ass.
ReplyDeleteAs bad as that is, you don't want to know what's in the artielange dip.
ReplyDeleteAs a die-hard Packer fan, I'll be watching the game tonight and praying to Lord Football that they lose, so I don't have to endure another week of mediocrity.
ReplyDeleteGee, I wonder if I'm the only one who's wondering if this is Favre's last game. (*dripping with sarcasm*)
I thought I'd play a drinking game to tonight's game based on how many times Madden fellates Favre from the booth tonight, but that might result in some severe alcohol poisoning.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I need to start drinking now, because the Broncos are doing everything in their power to cough up their playoff spot to the Chiefs.
That's it. I'm taking inspiration from the Dead Schembechlers and starting a band: all members will be dressed up like Al Davis (matching tracksuits and sunglasses, natch) and we shall call ourselves Kill Shanahan.
ReplyDeleteFuck artichokes. Crab dip roolz.
ReplyDeleteerroneous on both counts
ReplyDeleteExcuse me sir, but my fucking Artichoke Dip does not contain one iota of Mayo. And its damn good stuff too.
ReplyDeleteWill Punter's vid be posted here or on the message boards? I am really dying to see it, I just smoked a big bowl and I need some entertainment at 8 fucking am on New Years Day.
So, how did the toast to the awesome power of your penis go Drew? Did Mrs. Drew enjoy the ceremony or was it just a solo performance?
ReplyDeleteOh how I wish I had a stockpile of wine from the parents...no dice.
ReplyDeleteI may never stop laughing at Caveman Marine Jargon.
Can't we contract that job out j.l? I mean, Halliburton has to be available for that.
ReplyDeleteArtichoke Dip - and really anything containing mayo - is fucking nasty. End of story.
ReplyDeletedusty - no, you can't. Halliburton will contract it out to KBR, which will only give Caveman a handjob when the original deal included anything and everything up to anal.
ReplyDelete