In case you haven't noticed (and why would you?), The Patron Saint of this very site was not in attendance for last Monday's Oakland-Seattle MNF tilt. Suzy Kolber has now missed two games this year without much explanation from ESPN. Usually, when an announcer or reporter is not in attendance, the working team makes note of it, and wishes the absentee a "quick and speedy recovery". I think this mandated language might actually be in Chris Berman's contract.
But there have no such explanations for Kolber. Which made us wonder, just what the hell is she doing? Well, I can tell you there was no shortage of ideas from the KSK Gay Mafia on this one. We had a real brainstorming session. With an easel and a marker and Cosi sandwiches for lunch and everything. There was even a fruit salad. Real big business type shit. Here were some of our ideas:
-Baking
-In an ironic twist, has a drinking problem
-Undergoing final stages of hormone therapy prior to transition
-Tivo broken, must stay home to catch "Heroes"
-Cancer
-Writing snappy female NFL blog for ivillage
-With Democrats in power, finally able to plan wedding
-Plotting to kill that bitch Tafoya
-Plotting to kill Mellencamp for stealing job
-Angry sex with Olbermann (in leather jacket)
-Gentle sex with Jaworski
-Forgettable sex with Hoge
-Turning down daily offer of sex from Salisbury
-Laying low after brutally murdering Bryan Pata (Kolber is a U graduate, and I use the word graduate loosely here)
-Has secretly been coaching Steelers
-Futilely uploading NFL clips onto YouTube, only to see them deleted seconds later
-Filming documentary on Kazakhstan
-Writing script for Bonnie Bernstein biopic
-Still waiting for answer from Aaron Brooks on what he is most proud of in his career
-Blowing Chevrolet endorsement money on expert hair teasing
-Traveling into future to purchase Nintendo Wii
-Sorting through taped Tirico conversations
-Dead father
-Doing Ladies’ Home Journal Interview on the importance of sideline reporters
-Measuring drapes for Pelosi
-Showering with Will Leitch
-On the receiving end of drunken Joey Porter creampie
-What better way to prove to men you love the game than to silently protest the presence of idiot sideline reporters?
I'm sure you can think of even more. Have at it.
Special thanks to 289 for the incredible Photoshop job.
In bed next to me, speaking into the mic.
ReplyDeleteTrying to work her way into a permanent studio gig so as not to have to be anywhere near Theesman any longer.
ReplyDeleteGah. Thanks for the "sex with Jaworski" or turning down advances with Salisbury images. Bastard.
stuck on ksk, trying to comment but repeatedly misspelling the word verification.
ReplyDeletehanging around the thebigo's neighborhood at 3 a.m.
ReplyDeletePrank calling Andy Rooney
ReplyDeleteGetting a wider saddle surgery, or getting her saddle whittled down some on the sides
ReplyDeleteWorking on her Ford pickup
Drowning Steve Young in her love juices
Five eyelifts and they still can't get it right
Prank calling Ed Bradley.
ReplyDeleteWorking with ESPN to shut down the Underground.
ReplyDeleteDigitally erasing herself from master tapes of first two X-Games.
Hugging Webster Slaughter and Haywood Jeffries.
Getting a visit from Aunt Flo.
ReplyDelete"I heard their menstration attracts bears."
- Plotting how to strangle, poison, shoot, blow up or stab the following: Theesemen, Irvin, Berman, Salisbury, Ownes, Ben R, Pacman Jones, Chad J, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Carrot Top, Rush Limbaugh, Joe Buck, Dick Stockton, both Gumbals, Bob Costas, Bill Walton, and finally that dude who played Al Borlan on Home Improvement and now hosts Family Feud.
ReplyDeleteIn bed next to me, speaking into the mic.
ReplyDeleteIs that what you call it?
Using her taco juice as embalming fluid for Bryan Pata.
ReplyDeleteShe's at Bernardo Garcia Funeral Home as I type this.
shopping for a new leather get-up so berman will pay her more attention.
ReplyDeleteno chance zach...she doesn't have a penis
ReplyDelete-winning a marathon "squint-off" against Clint Eastwood.
ReplyDeleteyou guys need to pick it up, this site is getting lamer each week.
ReplyDeleteYou say that as if we're here for your entertainment
I think the question we should be asking is "Where has Joe Namath been?"
ReplyDeleteGetting her britches reamed by Bob Whitfield.
ReplyDeleteRepeatedly watching her performance as commentator at the 1996 National Spelling Bee, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
ReplyDeleteShe's found out she is pregnant with my child... She has been at home with me, and our other children, revelling the grace of this holy conception.
ReplyDeleteThe answer is so obvious! Suzy missed a MNF then appeared the next week wearing braces. I saw it straight away and figured you guys would have noticed. They are clear braces, so hard to see but kind of hot in that school girl kind of way....
ReplyDeleteShe's been perfecting her Erika Eliniak-Under Siege cake routine for the Marine Corps Ball tonight.
ReplyDeleteShe has applied for the Deadspin intern job
ReplyDeletePlanning a spinoff blog: Straddling Jerry Punch
ReplyDeletetwo words: botched rhinoplasty
ReplyDeleteScuttlebutt in Bristol is plastic surgery gone awry.
ReplyDeleteFirst time was her idea. Second time came from the suits.
Suing ESPN for sexual harassment
ReplyDeleteBeing sued by somebody at ESPN for sexual harassment
Tossing Irvin's salad
ReplyDeletebeing measured for a merken.....
ReplyDelete