Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 10

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo, I like to sink her with my pink torpeeeeeeedo!

Oh, it's you! Hi there! Let's talk for a moment about underrated hot women. The reason I get tired of the paparazzi covering the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Nicole Richie is that none of those women (Actually, they're girls, not women.) are anywhere near attractive enough to deserve the attention. They are the wide receivers of the celebrity set: annoying people whose talent is far surpassed by less renowned colleagues, which makes them even more unappealing by comparison.

Stewart Mandel of SI.com, who covers college football and does it very well, chooses an underrated hottie to fawn over every year. This year he chose Jenna Fischer of "The Office". Not a bad choice, but I'm aiming higher. So sharpen your pencils, you amateur paprazzoes! Pay more attention to these women, so that they get a warped sense of perspective and end up ruining their lives in public for my entertainment:


Emily Deschanel
If you've ever watched the NFL on FOX, you might know Emily as the lead actress from "Bones". I've never seen an episode of this show, but every time they show a spot for it, I always think to myself, "Good Lord, that chick is hot. I should watch that show." I never do, but I at least consider it. And that's why you don't see many "real" women on TV. I'm pretty sure an actual female forensic scientist is uglier than even Patricia Arquette. Guhhhhh. I'd never consider watching it then. Emily has killer eyes (holy shit, I just actually complimented a girl's eyes!) and rocks tight suits and lab coats on her show. Put a hot woman in a business suit and good things happen in my pants.


Jill Wagner
This is the chick from the Mercury ads. You won't find a less convincing spokesperson. Try picking up this girl in a Sable and she'll Mace you right in the eyes.


Kate Walsh
I watch "Grey's Anatomy" with Mrs. Drew to even out the whole 20 hours of football a week thing. But it's not a bad show. It's also the only hit show on TV with a lead character that everyone, male and female, despises. Men hate Ellen Pompeo because she talks. Women hate her because she's a poor man's Renee Zellweger. Anyway, Walsh plays Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, and she looks like Jennifer Aniston back when Jennifer Aniston was attractive. It only takes a few episodes for you to realize she's the hottest girl in the cast, and by a healthy margin.


Campbell Brown
Back when Katie Couric (or, as I like to call her, Cuntface) hosted the Today show, she'd go on vacation at least nine times a month. Her fill-in? Campbell Brown. Going from a raging bitch like Couric to down-to-earth fox like Brown is like being let out of solitary for a day. Then Couric would be back on the job and my faith in humanity would be destroyed once more.


The Blowflex Chick
This woman's name is Kristia Knowles, and she does leg extensions better than any woman I've ever known. A toned little minx, this one. I'm betting she didn't get that body by working out on a Bowflex 20 minutes a day three days a week.


Jodie Foster in Inside Man
I know, I know. She's a lesbian! A lesbian! She's blocking the river! She drives a Subaru! And I never considered Jodie Foster attractive before (except in Taxi Driver. 12-year-old prostitutes are my weakness. Grrrrr!!!). But I thought to myself while watching this flick that Jodie looked good. Very good. And I don't know how I feel about that. In fact, I already regret adding her here. I may be gay. Let's move on.


Ali Larter
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Speaking of underrated, none of this week's Meast candidates fit into that category. Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson of the Bengals put up ungodly numbers. Willie Parker of the Steelers was arguably the MVP of last year's Super Bowl and has firmly established himself as an every-down back. But you can't go against the hottest player in football right now:


It's LaDainian Tomlinson of the Chargers! With 4 TDs in the Chargers' stunning 42-point second half on Sunday, Tomlinson has now scored 15 TDs in his last five games, a league record. Nobody sniffs out the end zone better. Tomlinson is proof that small backs make better goal line backs than some big asshole like, I don't know, Brandon Jacobs. Goal line defenses are packed tight at the line. O-line splits are miniscule. Creases in the defense are tiny. Why would you ever put in a bigger back to get the ball through? It's idiotic. Don't tell me bigger backs are stronger. Former Cowboys wideout and known midget Kevin Williams could squat over 700 pounds. LT2, who is no Goliath, has the strength to power through tacklers and drag them into the end zone. Keep the little guys in there, coaches. They are, at least at the goal line, underrated.

NOTE: Feel free to tell me who I forgot in the comments. And, since thebigo will call my penis a racist for not putting any sisters on this list, here's a picture of Toni Braxton, who would be underrated even if she were elected president.