Well, Kissing Suzy Kolber is here not just for the fans, but for the players as well. We have compiled a list of 2006's hottest "smack" guaranteed to get inside an opponent's head. We invite the players to use any and all of these spectacular insults. Free of charge, because that's the kind of guys we are."My fleetness of foot renders moot your desire to strike me down on the field of play!"
"I invite you to try that stunt throughout the duration of this match; I shall remain as unfazed by it as I was on the previous play."
"Your mother has committed various acts of intimacy with several citizens throughout this township. I happen to know this first-hand."
"You have failed in your task of preventing me from procuring a new set of downs! I plan on doing this again, while you watch helplessly."
"Very well. Pistols at dawn? Have you the desire to finish this like a man? Ha, I thought not! Men of such swagger wilt when faced with the prospect of meeting their Maker."
"I do say, your first-born son bears my likeness."
"Excuse me, sir. Was it your responsibility to prevent me from catching the pigskin on that play? I'm not sure whom to address, as none of your allies were in my field of vision whilst I raced untouched to the end zone."
"My vicious strike upon your body shall appear on national sports-highlight television shows."
"Please refrain from entering my zone of influence, as it will only result in irreparable harm to your body."
"I doubt you shall ever reproduce, as you prefer the company of men."
"That shan't be done in this abode! Have you heard my words? NOT IN MY ABODE, GOOD SIR."
(Click on picture to read text)
Oh, snap! No you didn't, Superman!
Anyway, we very much expect Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, and Clinton Portis to use these phrases throughout the season. We might even be disappointed if they don't.
"You have failed in your task of preventing me from procuring a new set of downs! I plan on doing this again, while you watch helplessly."
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think of Michael Westbrook for some reason
Your supposition that any attempts to prevent me from obtaining the ball several yards from this point are fleeting and filled with many fallacies.
ReplyDeleteAwesome concept Captain!
ReplyDeleteIs there an online-translator for these?
"We stand here united in this venue of competition much like a pack of deranged canines poised to conquer our prey"
Translation: "Let’s go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs!" --Lawrence Taylor.
Take that helmet off, only for a moment, so I may crimson your puss!
ReplyDeleteDrederick Tatum is CC's ghostwriter
ReplyDelete"There is no sojourn to my supremacy. I possess profound dexterity and with it, I shall convey you to your local instructional facility."
ReplyDeleteBy the way, "CC And The Ghost Writers" -- excellent name for a band.
The Creator has clearly neglected to endow you with the sexual organs common to the male of our species, as evidenced by your failure to prevent my advance!
ReplyDeleteWow, I always thought Superman was Rocky Marciano fan.
ReplyDeleteI shall procure for you, unwanted, the services of several ladies of the night and send them post haste to Inn at which you take rest. They will arrive at a most inconvenient hour the day before we are to meet on the playing field. They will insist on not employing the proper precautions for avoiding transmittal of venereal diseases and your urination shall henceforth be accompanied by an extremely unpleasant sting and odious aroma. Oh yes, and one other thing: do not smoke crack, it is most unbecoming a gentleman.
ReplyDelete-Lawrence Taylor, Lord of Sacks.
Your mother is so fat that when she jump for jjjjooooooooooooooooy, shegetstuck.
ReplyDeleteOk, thank you.
Russell Peters, Lord of Indian comics, or the only one I know.
"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers..."
ReplyDelete-- Jules, Pulp Fiction
This is exactly how I've imagined the Harvard v. Yale game. You know, followed by crying.
ReplyDeleteWhom might they be? Whom might they be? Whom might be under the (clearly mistaken, yet merely implied) belief that they will emerge victorious from an NFL regular season or playoff match against the Cincinnati Bengals?
ReplyDeleteCould someone please give me the hour of the day?
ReplyDelete'Tis the hour to commence this joyous sporting contest.
Could someone please give me the hour of the day?
'Tis the hour to commence this joyous sporting contest.
Are there any creatures from the canine family present?
Yessir.
Are there any creatures from the canine family present?
Yessir.
Should there ever come a day when your collective were to emerge victorious in any feats of strength and skill, I guarantee you it will not take place within the confines of this domicile!
ReplyDeleteYou are the illegitimate male child of a woman of easy virtue who supplements her meager income by performing unorthodox sexual practices with lower primates.
ReplyDelete"'Twas this precise occurrence of which I was speaking, heretofore."
ReplyDelete= "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"
Your advancement on the previous was nothing short of fortuitous, and you can expect that the law of averages will not smile so blithely upon any subsequent attempts.
ReplyDeletealbany, i hate to break it to you but actually the bible said that...jules merely quoted it. i hope this doesn't ruin the movie for you
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI will position you over my knee and deliver a barrage of blows to your hindquarters as if you were the auburn-haired offspring of my spouse from a previous, unsuccessful living arrangement.
ReplyDeleteI shall take you as a part to represent the whole and forthwith proclaim thee and thy lot to be a bunch of bona fide curs. Thusly I will dispense an ample amount of salivary amylase from from my mouth to your face. Enough in fact to dissolve a saltine cracker in mere moments. Consider your face, and your squadron, ready to be fully digested!
ReplyDelete-Sean Taylor
You, sir, have breached the etiquette demanded of us in this most august of athletic competitions. I henceforth shall dispense with any pretense of conviviality and shall proceed to embarrass you in front of this large gathering of our lighter-skinned fellow citizens by revealing your inferior breeding. You have only yourself to blame.
ReplyDeleteThese comments warm my frigid soul.
ReplyDeleteThanks to all of you.
Would you dare say that they warm the very cockles of your heart?
ReplyDeleteAnon 3:05, is that rascist?
ReplyDeleteHe only has himself "to blame" for his "inferior breeding"? How can one be blamed for his own breeding?
Your conversational rubbish is quite deficient in the manner which is necessary to engage and disarm an opponent. You must expose your adversary to the brilliance and elegance of your own quip at the expense and shame of your adversary's mental and physical aptitude. Trite and infantile jibes, such as you have displayed, are not illustrative of such skill. I suggest you discover a new diversion as your most recent post is surely a harbinger to the failure which approaches should you not alter your course.
Burn! Oh, and I had sex with Mrs. Anon.
ReplyDeleteMMP: That was nice.
ReplyDeleteYou there, yes you. I've noticed you praying after our matches. How would you fancy me using your child as a prophylactic while sodomizing your saviour? Would that be a temperature to suit your clime? Hmm?
ReplyDelete-If a line existed, I hope I have tastelessly crossed it.
So Norv's FEB:
ReplyDeleteYou're telling me that you're gonna fuck my god with my child at the end of your penis and then ask how I like them apples? Does that pretty much summarize it?
Dude, the line is like 2 miles back in your rear-view.
(thankfully I don't have a god or a child or I might have to crimson your puss)
If there was a sort of Nobel for the comments, norv's feb just won it.
ReplyDeleteThe quips noted above are all superb and exquisite specimen of sprightly tomfoolery! I applaude you all, fine gentlemen. simply said, bravo.
ReplyDeletei'm so confused...and sweaty
ReplyDeleteI insist you desist
Some truths we hold to be self-evident and this is one of those truths: I don't know what is going on.
ReplyDeleteOh and please see here. I apologize in advance, not because of the taste factor, but because I just couldn't better get behind the idea.
ReplyDeleteThe hilarity of your post and the subsequent comments have caused me to chuckle, guffaw, and bellylaugh so hard, my oblique muscles were torn in a straight line perpendicular to my ribcage. I prostrate myself to your collective comedic genius.
ReplyDeleteOn a slightly different topic of discourse, is anyone anticipating the ritual of interpretive dance after one achieves the goal of scoring a touchdown?
bigtdog
ReplyDeleteNo, my comment was not "rascist"; it was "racist". Actually, it was neither.
And my opponent has himself to blame not for his inferior breeding, but for the fact that I will now embarass him in public.
Given your underdeveloped reading comprehension skills, you may want to practice your posting at a less demanding site before jumping into the big pool.
Respectfully yours,
Anon 3:05
"Of what location are you currently confined? Of what location are you currently confined! I sayeth, refrain from bringing said unwelcomed behavior to this locale."
ReplyDelete[where you at? where you at! don't bring that sh*t 'round here!]
"My God is superior to your God."
ReplyDeleteor
"Jesus must love me more, as evidenced by your poor, awkward performance."
unsilent majority - I hate to break it to you, but Ezekial 25:17 from Pulp Fiction is highly altered from its biblical state. There is no version of the bible that writes the passage is done by Jules. So it would probobly be most accurate to assign the quote to Jules rather than the Bible.
ReplyDelete