A Pre-Game Playlist Fit For A F--king Badass

My junior year of college our football team went 3-5. I certainly bear no responsibility for that record. I was the fourth string left tackle for the scout team. Third string was a large sack of flour.

But I do know the real culprit: music. This was 1996, full bore into the neutering of rock. Before games, our locker room blasted a mix of one third Alanis Morrisette, one third Hootie, and one third Dishwalla. Or some other horrid shit. There were times I had to listen to Jagged Little Pill and/or Cracked Rear View IN THEIR ENTIRETY prior to a practice or a game. And you know what songs my team played on the locker room stereo when we won? One of them was "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something. The other one was "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root. That's right. The fucking Ice Age song. One time a friend and I tried putting a Faith No More CD into the player. It was ejected two minutes later.

This was bullshit. BULLSHIT. I get fucking pissed about to this very day. That is not football music. It's pussy music. Unacceptable. Fucking Unamerican. And these days, it's only gotten worse. One guy I met once said he didn't like seeing the band Idlewild play in concert because they were "a little too hard rocking". Excuse me? Too fucking hard rocking? Die.

That's why I, Big Daddy Drew, have taken upon myself to institute a mandatory pre-game playlist for all NFL locker rooms (and channel Maddox in the process). That's right. Ten songs, all guaranteed to bend you over and shove a stick of dynamite up your butt. I don't care if you like this music or not. If you don't like it, go write for fucking Pitchfork and have fun with the rest of your Animal Collective-loving dipshit breathren. This is FOOTBALL music, music designed to put you into a state of murderous rage and use up 80% of your energy before the game is even played. That's what real fucking football is all about. All these songs adhere to my DFF Principle, which states that a song cannot be considered rocking unless it's about Drinking, Fighting, or Fucking. Let's go:


1. "Enter Sandman" (Live) - Metallica - Live Shit: Binge & Purge
This song is just fine off the Black Album. But you know what's better? When it's being played in front of 100,000 drunken Mexicans, and includes the intro theme music from "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly" that drives said Mexicans completely batshit. Crucial here is James Hetfield changing the lyric, "I tuck you in," to, "I fuck you in." Because nothing fires you up for a football game like the implicit threat of child rape. Also important is the moment right after Hetfield whispers the Lord's Prayer or whatever the fuck it is, when the crowd explodes into the chorus along with the band. Just thinking about it makes me want to put on a helmet and start bashing into things. That was always my favorite part of pre-game warm-ups.

2. "Creeping Death" (Live) - Metallica - Live Shit: Binge & Purge
And then I get even more fucking fired up when, right off of "Sandman," Hetfield screams to the crowd, "Fuck yeah, we're ready! You ready, my friends? Creeeeeping DEATH-AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" And then the drums comes in and everyone goes apeshit yet again. This song is most notable for the bridge, where Hetfield goads everyone into chanting "Die! Die! Die!" and then bassist Jason Newsted chimes in with "MOTHERFUCKER, DIE!!!!!" That is fucking awesome. My eyes turn beet red when that happens, and everything in my line of vision vaporizes into very fine dust. NOTE: Metallica died in 1990. Just so you know my stance.


3. "Whole Lotta Rosie" - AC/DC - Let There Be Rock
Every college coach tells you that victory is the main goal. Total bullshit. Victory is simply the means to achieve your real goal of getting ass-loaded and scoring some major league poon tang later that night. I know that's all I thought about (the latter never happened). That's why a five-minute, solo-laden rampage about banging fat girls will fire up any football player, even ones like myself who had no hope of scoring with anything other than microwaved nectarine. Maybe you think "Hell's Bells" or "Thunderstruck" would be better choices from the AC/DC collection. But I'm more of a Bon Scott man. Bon Scott drank himself to death. Brian Johnson wears a golf hat. Advantage: Scott.


4. "You Think I Ain't Worth A Dollar, But I Feel Like A Millionaire" - Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
This song got Queens of the Stone Age bassist Nick Olivieri so fucking fired up, his clothes melted right off of his body. He was also later booted from the group for beating his girlfriend, possibly while naked. What I like is the low key intro that suddenly shifts into Olivieri screaming, "DUT LO!!! THE LIEFFEL LAHH!!!!! ONLY BASTAGE DID TASTE THE GAHHHH!!!" I know those aren't the actual lyrics, but I like mine better, because I like the idea of being so fucking jazzed to go out and murder someone that you can't even speak proper English. There's also a false ending to this song, which then kicks back in with Olivieri going, "UNNNHHHH!!!!" and then kicking more ass. Suck on that, Rusted Root. And suck it hard.


5. "The Trooper" - Iron Maiden - Piece of Mind
Written exclusively about Kellen Winslow (or British soldiers during World War I, I'm not sure which), this is a crowning achievement in 1980's British Metal asskicking. During concerts, Bruce Dickinson of Maiden would unfurl a big fucking Union Jack while singing this song and wave it around on the stage. I'm not even British and that makes me want to machine gun down any piece of shit Flemish person that I encounter. Hey, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park: This is Bruce Dickinson. This is how you sing like a fucking Rock God. Take notes, and then slash your wrists. Pussy. Football is for killers!


6. "Tilted" - Sugar - Beaster
I don't care that you've never heard of this song, or this band, or this album. All you need to know is that this song will beat you to death with a lead pipe. It also contains the single greatest guitar solo ever recorded. Great guitar solos must do three things: 1) Be short, 2) Establish their own melody, and 3) Give you a raging hardon. Done, done and done.


7. Last Two Minutes of "Paradise City" - Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction
I don't need all of this song. Just give me the end, where Axl makes you think the song is finished by going, "Take me hoooooooooooooooooooooome!" but then suddenly the rest of the band flies back in to lose their fucking minds and play their instruments as fast as humanly possible. For a visual cue, I offer you the video. The awesome part that kills your brain cells is the when they shift almost entirely to the black-and-white footage at Donnington. A couple people got stomped to death by the crowd during this Guns set, and that is fucking sweet. Bonus points if you're rocking the white bicycle shorts.


8. "Fire Woman" - The Cult - Sonic Temple
There's no better song out there about a woman making you so horny you completely lose your shit. And that's what football is really all about: expending the energy accumulated through years and years of sexual frustration. Am I right, fellas? Fellas? Anyway, this is good place for this quote:

"Now when I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I'm saying 'yeeess' to every beat. Yes, Yes, Yes! This rocks! And then sometimes I switch it up like, No, No, No! Don't stop-a-rockin'!"


9. "Killing in the Name" - Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
I don't even like Rage Against the Machine all that much. But can you argue with this song? No, you cannot. A friend of mine in high school told me about a kid he knew whose dad once coached on an Indian Reservation. One year, the coach took the Indian kids to the state title game. For his pre-game speech, the coach opened the doors to the locker room and pointed at the all-white opposing team and crowd out on the field. "Boys," the coach said, "those are the people that stole your land." The Indian Reservation team won by 50 points. Now, I don't believe that story for a second. But who fucking cares? It's awesome anyway. Oh, and one more thing:

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me! (x11)
Motherfucker!
Uggh!

Good song.


10. "Moonshadow" - Cat Stevens - Greatest Hits
And here's your cool down period. Your palate cleanser, if you will. And, honestly, I can think of no music that pisses me off more than some dipshit Cat Stevens song.

That's the list. I'm fucking red in the face just typing about it. Imagine the damage you'll do on the field after taking this much riffage stright up your yingyang. Remember, this playlist is in the public domain now. So don't be surprised if every team in the league goes 16-0 this year.

NOTE: Rock is for pre-game. Hip hop is for post-game mellowing and/or getting fired up for your drunkon. I will post an all hip-hop post-game list later on sometime if I feel like it.

And yes, I like new music, too. If this list is a little old school for your taste, substitute in "Club Foot" by Kasabian and "From The Ritz To The Rubble" by Arctic Monkeys. They are mildly acceptable. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

NOTE FROM DREW: The flame war below was removed by CC. But I happily encourage comments from any disgruntled readers. I promise they will not be deleted, largely because I enjoy them so much. PS - I'm never writing a music post again ever ever ever.