Better Know A Team: Green Bay Packers

Five Fast Facts about the Packers:
-The newly renovated Lambeau Field now holds 72,922 people, or 54,987 Wisconsinites.
-New head coach Mike McCarthy presided over the 31st ranked offense in San Francisco last year. Team President Ted Thompson got the inspiration to hire McCarthy after viewing the zany 1991 Martin Short-Danny Glover vehicle "Pure Luck" on a Peter Pan bus trip to Wausau.
-The Packers play on a grass surface at Lambeau Stadium. It isn't tundra. And it isn't frozen. It's just regular fucking grass. You hear me, Berman, you ungodly fat fuck? (PS - Your Facenda impression blows.)
-During the offseason, running back Ahman Green underwent a radical new surgery in which surgeons reconstructed his left knee using only wax paper. Dr. Charles Goodwin, a renowned orthopedist, predicts the knee should hold up far better compared to the crepe paper reconstruction performed on Green in 2004.
-The Packers are the only NFL team that is community-owned. And when your team is owned by 100,000 of these jackasses, a four-win season starts to look like quite an accomplishment.

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Al Harris

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting* with a player from each team. For the Packers, it's starting right cornerback and Hasselbeck-tormentor Al Harris. We'll be spending a little extra time talking about the Packers today. Because I hate them.


Big Daddy Drew: Um, wait a second. You're not Brett Favre.
Al Harris: No. I'm Al Harris.

Drew: I'm sorry, but I've been told on many occasions that Brett Favre IS the Packers. So I don't really see where you come in. What do you do specifically to serve Brett Favre? Do you shine his shoes? Fetch fresh tobacco for his pipe? What?
Harris: I play defense.

Drew: Oh, I see. So your job is to get the ball back for Brett Favre so that he can heroically redeem himself for the interception he just threw?
Harris: My job is to get the ball back for the offense, yes.

Drew: Brett Favre had one of his greatest games on Monday Night against the Raiders after his father passed away. Be honest: when he was throwing two and three interceptions a game last year, did you ever secretly hope that one of his loved ones would die tragically and without warning?
Harris: No. That's awful.

Drew: I know. Then let's say it was a distant relative, like if his great aunt were mauled to death in a horrible wheat thrasher accident. Don't you think that'd make him play a little better?
Harris: No.

Drew: Cris Collinsworth once said that just talking to Brett Favre makes you a better person. How did talking to Brett Favre get you to stop raping people?
Harris: I've never raped anyone.

Drew: Okay, but let's pretend that you ARE a rapist. Didn't talking to Brett Favre help you control your savage, primal urges to sexually overpower helpless women and children?
Harris: I am NOT a rapist.

Drew: I see this is a sensitive subject, so I'll move on. The Packers often give their younger fans bike rides during training camp. What other things do the players do to lure children into the team's basement torture den?
Harris: We don't have a torture den.

Drew: I mean, do you use rock candy? Big League Chew, maybe? Did Mark Chmura give you any pointers?
Harris: We don't have a torture den. Period.

Drew: The Packers signed Charles Woodson during the offseason. How much has Woodson taught you about bump-and-walk coverage?
Harris: Charles is great player.

Drew: The Packers drafted AJ Hawk in April. Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Okay. I just wanted to give you an idea of what Packers game broadcasts will be like for the next 10 goddamn years.
Harris: Okay.

Drew: Brett Favre has often been called the heart and soul of the Packers. But who is the team's penis? Is it Samkon Gado? I heard black guys from the Motherland are hung like fuckin' Seabiscuit.
Harris: I don't know.

Drew: Is it hard to use the team bathroom when Peter King is administering a blumpkin to Brett Favre two stalls over?
Harris: I don't know what a blumpkin is.

Drew: Aaron Rodgers: bust or disappointment?
Harris: Aaron's gonna be good.

Drew: You have dreadlocks. Tell me about the shit they grow in British Columbia. Is it as good as it sounds? I heard if you take a hit of it and then beat off, you start to see, like, purple swans and shit.
Harris: I don't smoke weed.

Drew: Smart answer. Keepin' it on the DL. Javon Walker used a contract dispute to force a trade to Denver. Why has no one else on the team been smart enough to follow his lead?
Harris: We think we'll be pretty good this year.

Drew: When Najeh Davenport shits in the team hamper, how do you choose who gets to Shout out the stains?
Harris: Najeh has never shit in the team hamper.

Drew: What's the best natural disaster metaphor we can use for the interior of the Packers' o-line? Mudslide? Sinkhole? Bottomless pit lined with smeared dogshit?
Harris: Those guys are coming together.

Drew: Let's talk about Packer fans. How do you cope with living in a town comprised exclusively of slumpbusters?
Harris: I don't know what that means.

Drew: Packer fans enjoy cheddarwurst. What if we were to add a nougat center to the cheddarwurst? Wouldn't that help hasten these people to an even earlier grave?
Harris: That sounds gross.

Drew: What's your first name, Al, short for? Al'quan? Alvaricious? Al'Brickashaw?
Harris: Albert.

Drew: That's kind of disappointing. Nevertheless, it was great talking to you, Al'Berrtt.
Harris: No problem.

*via the wonders of the imagination

NOTE: Apropos of nothing, I strongly urge you to read the Johnny Unitas book excerpt from last week's issue of SI. Talk about a fucking badass. That guy never would have played for the Packers.

UPDATE: Whatsa matter? Can't take a little titties con queso? You won't find a finer rack in all of Wisconsin, I tell you. Wispride, baby. Wispride.