Dan Morgan Is a Pantywaist

Carolina Panthers linebacker Dan Morgan is a true warrior. He's reporting to camp bigger and stronger than ever, and he's eager to put his history of injuries behind him. He is as tough as a man gets, an inspiration to all of us Miller High Life-drinking meatheads who have gun oil and grease in the cracks of our calloused hands. That's why he got himself a hyperbaric chamber.


The Charlotte Observer reports:

Morgan has less space in his Wofford College dorm room than ever. Instead of rooming with Will Witherspoon, he's sharing space with a portable hyperbaric chamber... With best friend Witherspoon signing as a free agent with the St. Louis Rams, Morgan finally took advantage of his right as a veteran to have room for himself. He has come to rely on the chamber as much as he did on Witherspoon, who spent the past four years lining up next to him.

Yes, who needs an All-Pro linebacker next to you when you've got Tupperware for humans? Oh, but it gets better:

Morgan said he decided to try the chamber... after conversations with agent Drew Rosenhaus. Wide receiver Terrell Owens, another Rosenhaus client, brought attention to hyperbaric chambers when he used one to during his recovery from a broken ankle two seasons ago.

Yep. Well, if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that you should always take Drew Rosenhaus's advice if you want to look like a douchebag.

Morgan went on to say that he loved the way the hyperbaric chamber sped his recovery time from the bumps and bruises of training camp, and how it works so much better than the anti-aging cream he'd been using before, claiming that he hasn't looked or felt this young since his first manicure.

He also added that the only downside of the chamber -- other than being associated with Drew Rosenhaus and T.O., looking like a total douche, and replacing his best friend with an oxygen tent -- is that in the mornings he has no way of telling if he's lost his inner monologue.