Site Update: We Will Post More Often

When the Suzy Kolber Kissers decided to go forth with this site, we expected a rather slow build to the 2006 season. We figured that with five of us, we could each post once a week, giving a handful of readers a little bit of chuckle.

Oh, who are we kidding? We knew we were gonna be huge; we just didn't think it would happen this fast. In our first three days, thanks to mad props from Deadspin and Mr. Irrelevant, we've registered over 800,000,000 unique visitors. And you know that that's true, because I used a number to prove a fact.

Anyway, with a long holiday weekend looming, your new favorite football bloggers are going to be busting their asses working on comedy previews for all 31 pro teams, plus the Texans (Except Drew -- he's changing diapers on vacation like the domesticated little bitch he is. And yes, I will use that Texans joke ALL YEAR). These previews, along with other funny tidbits about fantasy football and various retards around the NFL, will be published haphazardly and continuously until the beginning of the season. We're going to try for two posts a day Monday through Thursday, one post on Friday, and zero arrests from masturbating to porn while driving on the weekends.

So, enjoy the Independence Day weekend -- America, FUCK YEAH! I leave you with this...


God, could he BE any more dreamy?

This New DS Format Makes My a55hole Hurt

This New DS Format Makes My asshole Hurt

Will Leitch Deadspin Gawker Media Will Leitch Deadspin Gawker Media
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Will Leitch Deadspin Gawker Media
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Will Leitch Deadspin Gawker Media

The 10 NFL Players Most Likely To Be Gay, Part I

Gayness is strictly verboten in NFL locker rooms. Well, I mean, apart from butt slapping. Oh, and hugging. And gang showers. And popping champagne bottles so that they gush all over your teammate in one glorious stream. Otherwise, the NFL definitely stands for NO FAGS LINEBACKING! (UM: If only you knew what Terry Tate was up to behind closed doors)

But if you go by statistics (I think it’s 1 in 10, which means one tenth of me is fucking flaming), the NFL has its share of gay players. Only a choice few, including former Viking and erstwhile Chili’s spokesman Esera Tuaolo, even came out AFTER their careers were over. “Career” being a loosely defined term here.

But at KSK, we’re not afraid to tackle topics that are taboo. Or topics that used to be taboo, only to become passé, and then taboo once more amongst all the passé people of the world. We know gay. We're five men running a blog together. It gets no gayer than that. We're like the Queer Eye Fab Five. I'd be Ted. He knows wine. Caveman would be Jai, the useless dipshit who makes the Straight Guy string together seashell necklaces for his wife.

(Captain Caveman: I'm Jai? Ouch. Well, I guess it could be worse. UM is totally Carson.)

(UM: I think I just thew up in Bill Simmons's mouth. And just for the record, I'd put my passion for the vino up against anyone in the blogosphere...not that there's anything wrong with it.)

So here’s your scientific study of 10 NFL players who, if drunk, would say to Suzy Kolber, "You know what? I do not wish to kiss you, Suzy Kolber. Nor do I wish to buy your ghetto-ass Chevy truck. I do care if the team is strugggggling, because there is some hot ass out on that field."


1. Terrell Owens
This is obvious. Lots of people say Owens performs touchdown dances. That’s wrong. Acting out scenes with only a football as your prop isn’t dance. It’s mime. And you know where mime comes from? France. And you know where gayness comes from? That’s right, TO. Alienate all the teammates you want. We know it’ll never hide your secret love of having red-hot, Francophilic buttsex while imagining you’re trapped inside a box.


2. Jeff Garcia
We all know this has been rumored. But really, is there anything even remotely exciting about Jeff Garcia coming out of the closet? Is he anywhere near flamboyant enough? Flipper Anderson would turn over in his grave.


3. Brett Favre
What do all white gay men do when they approach middle age? That’s right. They shave their heads. Oh, I know Favre said he was just “supporting his wife,” but the novelty of that wore off a long time ago, my friends. You don’t get the kind of gushing praise Favre gets without taking Peter King on a fishing trip (in Kiln, Mississippi! Did you know that’s where Brett is from? He’s from Kiln!), and giving him a whole new definition of the term “beat writer.”


4. Donovan McNabb
Every gay couple I’ve known (and I have known oceans of them) consists of a queen and a straight man. And McNabb takes that high, straight road so well. Why did TO dump him? I have a feeling McNabb’s dickdo had something to do with it. What’s a dickdo, you ask? Well, it’s when your belly sticks out further than your dickdo.


5. Jamal Lewis
Hey, I didn’t say the people on this list had to be gay on purpose.

We’ll do Part II after I’m done gallivanting around training camps in my best latex outfit. (UM: I can't wait until your kids are old enough to read this)

Kyle Orton Partying? Our Faith in Mankind is Shaken

An enterprising tipster alerted us (Note: this is not the royal "we." There are five of us) to these undated pictures on Facebook. Now, the official Kissing Suzy Kolber position on athletes partying is -- obviously -- Namathian, possibly even Smootian. So we're here not to tsk-tsk Bears "quarterback" Kyle Orton. We applaud his active nightlife. Judging by the first picture alone, his rookie season may have been better than Ben Roethlisberger's (sadly, Big Ben's face probably still looks better than Kyle's).

So, what to do with these gems? Caption contest!* KSK's one-liners are below each of the pics; hit us up with your best in the comments, you dirty fucking voyeurs. (And if the Internet is the Wild West of journalism/grammar, then our comments section is hereby declared the OK Corral. With a minefield. In a tornado.)

*No winner will be decided; no prize will be given.

CC: Honestly, women like this don't even need a face.
UM: Kyle temporarily loses sight of the tits he was dancing with.
Drew: "Man, that girl has a nice ra... ooh, did someone just leave that half-empty Michelob with the two cigarette butts in it over in the corner? Things are looking up for Mr. Orton!"
MMP: Is he looking at her ass or is he asleep? Or is he just Vietnamese and nobody told me?

CC: Kyle, I've seen you move in the pocket. Your future's not that bright.
UM: To be fair, they were dancing to a Corey Hart cover band.
Drew: "Your watch, my dear... it's just so very bright! It's searing my retina! Vuarnets! I must... wear... the Vuarnets!"
MMP: Her watch says, "1:50." Her eyes say, "Where's Craig Krenzel?"



CC: Kyle practices his best chance for getting the starting job back.
UM: "You be Peyton and I'll be Kenny!"
Drew: "God dammit, where is your penis again? I know the dipshit with the water bottle doesn't have one, but yours must be somewhere."
MMP: I guess Orton wasn't just blowing games last season. Did that girl run off with Ced Benson?

Note: Footsteps Falco has a "deposition" -- whatever that is -- and will join the party when he's able.

UPDATE: Of course, Deadspin -- a website with which we're only vaguely familiar -- is the true trailblazer in the Orton chronicles. You can see him out partying here. Oh, and here. And look! No neck-beard here.

Stand Aside and Gape; Here Comes the Ruckus

This here website is Kissing Suzy Kolber. The posse here -- Big Daddy Drew, Captain Caveman, Footsteps Falco, Monday Morning Punter, and Unsilent Majority -- is dedicated to kicking ass and making NFL-related jokes.

That's the long and short of it. There will be no analysis. Any mention of statistics to prove that a certain team is "better" than another will be countered with stats like this: 98% of assholes use stats to make a pointless argument. The only thing that we offer is the funny. Bring the funny or get the fuck out, that's our motto. Or at least it might be. It hasn't been ratified yet.

"Kissing Suzy Kolber." It feels good on your tongue, does it not?

Coming soon: What teams will be funny in 2006? KSK previews all 31 pro teams, plus the Texans.



At last our long national unfunny dream is over. Good morning, bitches. It's time to wake up and laugh at the NFL.