Did you ever wonder to yourself, “Man, the Pro Bowl sure is useless. I wonder if there’s something even more useless out there.”
Well, you’re in luck. Because today is the Iowa caucus. Yes, the Iowa caucus. It’s like a PTA meeting, only with politics! Lest you thought the Iowa caucus was some kind of statewide tailbone, I’m here to enlighten you as to just how the process works:
1. People gather in a room
2. Cheese danishes are shared
3. Chris Matthews stands by breathlessly and watches, while simultaneously masturbating using own brow sweat
And there you go. To call it meaningless is to insult other meaningless things, like Harry Knowles’ life, or the lyrics to a Sting song. Yet this shit gets covered like a Ritz cracker on Planet Unicorn. Well, here’s what I have to say to you, Iowa caucus: Fuck you. Fuck your counties. Fuck your arcane process. And fuck corn.
Your Measts of the Week are Trent Cole of the Eagles and Jared Allen of the Chiefs.
These are retroactive meast awards. I’m not even sure how both men played on Sunday. All I know is that, outside of Pat Williams, these were the two best defensive players I saw all season long. So there you go. Enjoy your award, men. It’s certainly got more meaning than what some dry-crotched schoolmarm in Des Moines thinks.
Do I detect a hint on communism?
ReplyDelete"I wouldn't vote for Mike Huckabee with Hilary's dick" - nice tag.
ReplyDeleteMike Huckabee's vagina drops a single tear. Twat-Drip.
Howard Dean stands and applauds, tears streaming down his cheeks.
ReplyDeletePatrick Kerney would like you to know he had 14.5 sacks this season. And he's gonna vote for Obama.
ReplyDelete/homer
I would have noticed that if his team wasn't completely nondescript.
ReplyDeleteElvis Dumervil for President.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI checked the Dallas Morning News: apparently Tony Romo has declared his candidacy and will undoubtedly carry Texas.
ReplyDeletePoFlaWa ?
ReplyDeleteCC, I thought all Seahawks voted republican.
I'd be more afraid to be fed to Huckabee's fat sons. Those country boys look like they could eat a whole Kroger freezer section full of Jimmy Dean sausages.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the Democratic caucus in Iowa is the truly fucked up one. The all gather in roped-off areas for their chosen candidate, debate for a while, then count. If your candidate doesn't have 15% support, you do a square dance and reshuffle the losers to different campaigns. This goes on until there is a clear majority and the results are reported. Then everyone fucks their cousin and they call it an evening.
God bless you, Democratic Iowa Caucuses. Welcome to the 1870s.
Mario Williams > Trent Cole
ReplyDeleteAnd yet you leave out the future defensive player of the year, Bob "Fucking" Sanders.
ReplyDeleteOsi Umeniora (fuck, i have no idea how thats spelled) had one badass year, plus we know he loves that ASS.
ReplyDelete"Lest you thought the Iowa caucus was some kind of statewide tailbone"
ReplyDeleteEmmitt Smith is very confused.
@5150: WORD. Maybe because he went to Iowa?
I second Flubby.
ReplyDeleteTrue story: I met one of Huckabee's sons a few years ago. Jesus, fuck: if the U.S. obesity rate is 33 percent, he's 15 percent of it.
ReplyDeleteThey should run the primaries like the MBA draft. If you went first this year, then, next year you only get one ball in the hopper and the rest of the states get incresing number of entries proportional to the last time they went first.
ReplyDeleteMBA=NBA.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to check out Jared Allen's acceptance speech for the Meast of the Week honors.
ReplyDeleteYes, Bob Sanders...he's a young Rodney Harrison. It's always fun saying that to watch Colts fans shake with rage.
ReplyDeleteBravo BDD, I salute you for calling the Iowa Caucus what it is..a cornfed pigshit lovefest. The most important issue this election year: Bullshit. The onion says it best on that one.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the rest of your post is great too.
Iowa has nothing else. Let them have this. Both their major teams sucked hard this year, Northern Iowa choked in the playoffs....there are no professional sports. Seriously, they at least deserve to choose the next president.
ReplyDeletePlus, corn is really pretty good. Have you tried it?
Be careful about bashing corn. Anything powerful enough to survive the digestion process and not get turned to feces deserves some respect.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that visual JohnDewar.
ReplyDeleteDissing corn means dissing bourbon.
ReplyDeleteQuiet StrengthI think Rodney Harrison shakes with enough rage for all of us.
ReplyDeleteI live in Iowa, I'm originally from Chicago, but this is like their Christmas, they've been talking about this for months. It is the only time they get to shine like an ugly girl at prom.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to come back and say, "Called it."
ReplyDelete