The wearied look of the fastidious.Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson, part of a defensive unit that allowed Tom Brady to complete an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes Saturday night, dismissively remarked of Brady to reporters after the game, "He ain't all that … He's all right."
What might strike some as smacking of bitterness after being ripped in historic fashion by the league's MVP is actually in keeping with Nelson's tendency of being difficult to impress. Here follows a sampling of some of the best of his blase.
"'I Have a Dream'? Shit. That ain't new. We ALL have dreams."
"The Beatles? Meh. I guess Revolver was okay."
"Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain't going to make some cheese too?"
"3:10 to Yuma was good, if you're into remakes. Which I'm not."
"Why would I want indoor plumbing? The outhouse is holdin' up fine."
"Picasso? A genius? Please. Have you seen that Cubist crap? It's the EXACT SAME THING as Braque!!!"
"Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall."
"Why would I want to convert to Fiat? The gold standard is doing great!"
"Philip Rivers is a dickbag. But he's no Dane Cook."
"Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home."
"If you ask me A Brief History of Time is an amusing work of harebrained conjecture but ultimately irrelevant."
"Y'all think Amy Winehouse is having a fucked-up time? Shit. I call that 'Tuesday Night.'"
"Sure, the Mariana Trench is deep. But I've met girls with deeper chatches."
"Sir Edmund Hillary was great, yeah. He still died, though, didn't he?"
"The Great Wall of China? What's so great about it? 's just one wall. You can just walk around it. Don't protect you from the rain neither."
[Shown picture of Adriana Lima]
(yawns) "Too old."
"Why's Fibonacci gotta have a whole sequence named after him? That's greedy. I get by okay with just one number."
"'Birth of Venus'"? [makes jerk-off motion with hand]
"You liked No Country for Old Men? Get the fuck out. The ending was stupid!"
"Al-Qaeda? More like Shit Qaeda. They were, what, three of four on 9/11? Hell, Tom Brady had a better completion percentage on Saturday, and we already know he ain't all that."
"Yeah, the Burj Dubai is pretty tall, but I bet you can't get good barbecue there."
A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima ? No big deal, it didn't kill everyone in the city.
ReplyDeleteGod created the Universe? Whatever, my parents made me and that's just as impressive.
ReplyDeleteBeethoven? Beethoven wasn't so great, how can you say someone's great who never had his picture on a bubble gum card?
ReplyDeleteGuess what, Martin Luther King, I had a fuckin' dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water... with braces! So maybe you're not so fucking special! Martin Loser King!
ReplyDeleteSorry but that was all I could think of when I saw that first opinion.
Citizen Kane? Who cares about a stupid sled in Jacksonville, we never get snow.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThat hit LT put on Theismann? Pffft. Dude's still alive, ain't he?
ReplyDeleteRoman Empire? Shit I saw the Coliseum, bigger dump than the shit I grew up in. Plus they couldn't even beat the Germans, you see what happened in World War I and II? Weak sauce Romans, weak sauce.
ReplyDeleteWilliam Wallace? Man if that dude was so bad, why could they cut his nuts off? No 14th century blade can damage these brass balls.
ReplyDeleteThem Redwoods is nothing but a bunch a big fuckin' twigs, man.
ReplyDeleteKSK? Not like those fuckers invented dick jokes.
ReplyDeleteThe Godfather? Whatever, it insists on itself.
ReplyDeleteKissing Suzy Kolber? Sheeeiiiittt. I FUCKED that bitch!
ReplyDeleteEinstein? The dude failed math, even I knew how to get a tutor to take all my tests for me.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at the Schroeder reference, Bambi
ReplyDeleteOk... I do not find the Pats-fans-are-racist slant that funny, but I am not going to let that interfere with my appreciation of other posts.
ReplyDeleteThat was fucking hilarious.
Socrates? All that fool did was ask questions, never gave any answers.
ReplyDeleteX-mas ape,
ReplyDeletelucy and reggie would make kids unimpressed with anything ever
I predict Nelson will see about 5,000 homemade "He ain't all that" signs the next time he plays against the Patriots.
ReplyDeleteOf course, many of them will be misspelled.
But still, that's the kind of shit that haunts a dude for years afterwards. You really should let the hurt wear off before you make statements to the press.
Dummy.
I seen the grand canyon. was a'ight. I make bigger holes in the earth when i tackle mark-ass bitches like randy moss.
ReplyDeleteMoses parted the Red Sea? Old man probably couldn't swim.
ReplyDeleteGeorge Washington? So what if he's the "Father of our Country," Travis Henry and I are workin to father enough kids to start our own country too, ain't no one praising us for it.
ReplyDelete300 Spartans held off a million Persians? So what, they died didn't they? Now Leonidas can't fuck his hot wife anymore, what kinda fool gives that up? I know I'm still fuckin her.
ReplyDeleteHe ain't all that... He's alright.
ReplyDeleteBut Brady leads the league in Pirouettes.
Israel won a 6-day war? Shit I played War against my cousin, won in 15 minutes, little bitch couldn't handle my 3 Aces.
ReplyDelete"The Great Bambi comments are funny, but has he ever written a post for KSK?"
ReplyDeleteAbraham Lincoln abolished slavery and everything but he sure as shit couldn't dodge a bullet to save his life.
ReplyDelete/trying to be as funny as Bambi, failing
Tim Tebow wone the Heisman? He ain't nothing. Damn fool never won a championship since I left school!
ReplyDeleteYou think Pats fans are douchebags? Shit, they ain't nothing compared to Red Sox fans...
ReplyDeleteI just keep looking at Adriana. Fuck trying to be funny.
ReplyDeleteYankees won 26 World Championships? When's the last time they even beat a foreign team in the playoffs?
ReplyDeleteKnute Rockne? Never woulda won anything if the Gipper didn't die.
ReplyDeleteHitler killed 6 million? Hell, that's nothing compared to Stalin or Pol Pot
ReplyDeleteCy Young? Pfft. Sucker. More like Cy Old.
ReplyDeleteNEil Armstrong walked on the moon? So did a dude named Buzz, and those rocks they brought back? feel like the same shit we have here.
ReplyDeleteDavid slew Goliath? He said God helped him so it was 2 on 1. And those Psalms he wrote? Fuckin' songs don't even rhyme
ReplyDeleteBill Gates? Of course he has money, he's white. Now make a copy of Windows that doesn't suck.
ReplyDeleteJesus was the savior? What's that, like a safety who doesn't get pizaid? And my black ass ain't nailed to no cross -- the only one doing the nailing around here is me.
ReplyDelete@naptown drew: +1
Very inspired work, boys.
no 'we could do this all day' tag?
ReplyDeleteWalt Disney? Did he really create the "happiest place on Earth"? One trip to my bedroom and you ladies will disagree.
ReplyDeleteStephen Hawkings? If that dude's so smart, why can't he walk yet?
ReplyDeleteWilt Chamberlain? 20,000 women? Where I come from that's known as spring break. And 100 points in 1 game? I bet they were all lay ups, dunks, and free throws, buncha check downs if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteThe apologetic Brian Urlacher? Reggie don't apologize for shit.
ReplyDeleteIt takes Peyton and Eli to lick a Double Stuffed? Y'all ain't never met my nigga Fred Smoot.
ReplyDeleteChristmas Ape? Think you're smart using words like lachrymose, anomie, and fastidious? Probably uses a word -of-the-day calendar for them.
ReplyDeleteSeinfeld? A humorous show, but it's no Frank TV
ReplyDeleteWalter Cronkite? Yeah he could read the news but so does Katie Couric
ReplyDeleteDuct tape? Yeah it fixes everything but there's still world hunger
ReplyDeleteThe Great Bambi is actually Reggie Nelson. How else would he have the time to comment so much?
ReplyDeletewhat can i say it's a slow day in mom's basement
ReplyDeleteman you're killing your own jokes. it's just out of hand
ReplyDeleteBambi: STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD.
ReplyDeleteBambi, great? maybe, but your mother was still shot by hunters
ReplyDeleteA sarcastic sports fan that has nothing better to do during a Monday afternoon than comment on a website? Pffft. How come.....nah, you're perfect in every way. Bambi, can I be your apostle, please?
ReplyDeleteof course j.l. white (jaleel white?), not like I've got anything occupying my time anyway
ReplyDeleteDid I do that?
ReplyDelete/shut the fuck up
Bambi? He alright. He never ran a BBD post into the ground though.
ReplyDeleteBambi... yah, he's gay, but he's no Peter King...
ReplyDeleteI couldn't stop laughing at both the post and Bambi's non stop comments.
ReplyDeleteYes. Throwing to constantly wide open receivers with zero pressure is all that. Got it.
ReplyDeleteone more before i head home from work...i mean help mom with dinner
ReplyDeleteIndiana Jones? Yeah he finds a lotta cool shit, but Belloq just keeps taking it
As an asshole pats fan, I can enjoy this!
ReplyDeleteThat guy talking to my ex-girlfriend may be charming, but when's the last time he got a +1 for a Deadspin comment?
ReplyDeleteAn interview in Penthouse? There's not even penetration in that rag.
ReplyDeleteSliced bread? I can cut it myself, thanks.
ReplyDeleteSunny side up? We all know you just forgot to break the yolk.
ReplyDeleteI appreciated the windows joke most of all, and that depresses me. between vista and word 2007, bill gates has turned the relationship between me and my computer into what can only be described as seething hatred.
ReplyDeletedie, powerpoint.
Yeah, robert is a bitter fan with no sense of humor, but Tommy from Quinzee is worse.
ReplyDeleteYeah Mel Blanc did all the Looney Tunes voices, but it's not like he drew the cartoons too
ReplyDeleteX? Well, Y > X. Scoff.
ReplyDeleteYeah Alexander conquered vast territories that stretched across three continents, but did you see the shitty movie that led to?
ReplyDeleteYeah Mikey may be the big winner tonight and so money he doesn't even know it, but he drives a red cavalier
ReplyDeleteYeah Bruce Lee could kick major ass and killed Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon, so why did taking aspirin kill him?
ReplyDeleteJessica is all that..'cept for Homo doing her. Bitch liked my cum gurgling down her throat. Guess I is all that!!!
ReplyDeleteMagellan? Hell no. Took him three years. A hooker went around the world on me in 20 minutes last night.
ReplyDeleteHey all, just stopping by and saw that there were 76 comments, so thought I'd pop in and see what I'd miss...
ReplyDelete...I see.
That facker Nelson, doesn't even realize the greatness of Tawmmy Braydee or the best receivah evah, Wes Welkah.
ReplyDeleteSure, Luke Skywalker blew up the Death Star....whatever, the fruit is still a virgin!
ReplyDeleteTits? Sure, they're cool, but they ain't vaginas.
ReplyDeletegisele? please. when i want a hot foreign bitch i call silky garrard.
ReplyDeleteLed Zeppelin? Like hell. I make better music than them on the toilet during my post-match dump
ReplyDeleteSistine Chapel? Bitch, please. I had some Mexicans paint my ceiling in like an hour, and it ain't got gay-ass naked dudes all over it.
ReplyDelete