Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Emo Eagles Let Out a Mighty Cry

mood: pensive :|

I was fishing around for updates on Samantha's deviantART and Facebook pages, listening to Belle & Sebastian's "Is It Wicked Not to Care" when Phil shoots me over this link on McNabb wanting the Eagles to load up in the offseason.

Now there's something I can get behind. But I think I understand the underlying uneasiness in his words. He writes about players feeling replaced if they bring in newer marquee ones, no doubt tapping into his own anxieties with a hard-charging young quarterback waiting in the wings.

I was plagued with similar pangs for months once Samantha started hanging around that Mathias guy. Sure, they were only classmates in some night school classes she was taking, but they recently spent a Saturday afternoon at the Magritte exhibit downtown. She knows I like Magritte. Guys in bowler hats and pipes! Sheer absurdity. Then just the other day, I see a heavy detailed oil portrait of his cock on her deviantART page.

Don't know if I should start to be worried.

Samantha doesn't like to watch sports, meaning I have to be kind of furtive about my fandom. Every time it comes up in passing, I get the rundown about how it's androcentric and heteronormative. Sure, I say - hoping to look those up later - but aren't most things? Then she lays the whole "football causes domestic abuse" line on me. What am I supposed to say to that? Boom Bitch? Haha. Kidding, of course. Can't believe I just wrote that.

We were the only team in the NFC East not to go to the playoffs this year. Sure, there's more substantive concerns. The world is full of dark torment and a forbidding swirl of anomie, but how am I supposed to care about the elections or some Bhutto assassination when the Eagles are in the cellar and the Phillies get swept out the playoffs?

It's really a curious analog, myself and my teams. The fans at the Linc are a little too rough and tumble for me and I think the same applies to Donovan. We weight issues in similar ways also, carefully considering them and then whining endlessly even if it's detrimental to their resolution. Samantha says she dislikes that about me. I say there's a lesson to be learned from the lachrymose. Look what it's doing for Hillary.

In fact, I'm crying now. Wow. I hope he stays.

33 comments:

  1. Green...like the color of her eyes...

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  2. That mustache is an ironic statement.

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  3. wow, you'd think he'd know what androcentric and heteronormative mean if he uses words like lachrymose and anomie. emo indeed. better off without sam tho, she sounds like a tease--that and she might have a bigger penis than you, brah.

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  4. I call shenanigans. A true emo nerd would be listening to his vinyl Tigermilk LP - anything off of Boy with the Arab Strap marks you as a poseur.

    Or is that the point?

    Er, nevermind.

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  5. 'I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself'

    Ian MacKaye wants to know why this is funny

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  6. Remember when slitting your wrists over a girlfriend, or your football team not making the playoffs its "up the river, down the river", not "crossing the street".

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  7. Did anyone else have to look up what lachrymose means ? You learn something new everyday.

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  8. I listen to bands that don't even exist yet.

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  9. Then just the other day, I see a heavy detailed oil portrait of his cock on her deviantART page.

    Don't know if I should start to be worried.


    Dude, man, your girlfriend is a FUCKING WHORE. She's out there gobbling more knob than ... I dunno, Lindsey Lohan in a room with several men, I suppose.

    And you wanna know why? It's because you're such a weak, whiny little emo-fag that she is unable to lubricate without closing her eyes and fantasizing about someone more masculine, like Richard Simmons.

    Also, you're an Eagles fan, but I suppose that goes without saying.

    My advice: Listen to the martial drum beat of "Welcome to the Black Parade" over and over again, until you grow enough balls to finally confront her and let her know that YOU know what's going on and that YOU are not going to put up with being cheated on behind your back because YOU are a cuckold and really want to be there for cleanup duty.

    You're welcome.

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  10. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
    Emo Eagles
    God, this is so much better than work

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  11. If I had a dollar for every time a girl has asked me if she could paint a heavy detailed oil portrait of my cock.


    ...I would be broke.

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  12. Ape the Hillary tears don't fool me... your just fishing for votes for the WebLog awards. I feel so disenfranchised, I think I'll just have to throw my vote away on Flub. Your false lachrymosity knows no end...

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  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. I'm sitting at work confused as shit because i can't figure out if dubya is joking or not.

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  15. Dubya read 60 books last year.

    And by "read," I assume you mean "colored in."

    Because if he'd read them, he might have more than a passing familiarity with concepts like "sarcasm" and "fiction."

    Apt nickname, though.

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  16. Yikes. Those two would get their asses kicked at the Linc without question. I never realized Brad Childress listened to My Chemical Romance.

    I used to think "lachrymose" described a woman's breasts after childbirth. Huh, I like to learn new things every day.

    Finally, this just in from Donovan:

    Do me a favore.
    Tell the cops to go down the hall to the bathroom.
    I'm soooooo sorry.
    <3.


    /Still an Eagles fan

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  17. I just finished Little T Learns to Share. I highly recommend it Dubya.

    http://www.amazon.com/Little-Learns-Share-Time-Outs/dp/1933771208

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  18. After reading this post I'm feeling as brittle as a McNabb ACL.

    Lachrymose - classic.

    On a semi-related note: Does anyone else think Donovan needs to pick up a dictionary to comprehend "IRONY" after calling out his team "to secure some playmakers."

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  19. It's funny that they're Eagles fans... I actually kind of assumed this is what all Seattle fans are like.

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  20. I'm going to need to know who the hell found my 10th Grade livejournal for legal purposes.

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  21. @futuremrsrickankiel

    It's funny that they're Eagles fans... I actually kind of assumed this is what all Seattle fans are like.

    Refer to BDD's comment.

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  22. I actually kind of assumed this is what all Seattle fans are like.

    Apparently, we're no longer the Fraiser Crane-like softies that care more about wine-tasting than sports. The new stereotype is that we're a cabal of rude, classless, violent thugs that are 100 times worse than Eagles fans.

    Just ask the Maj.

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  23. Oh damn... and here I am entertaining visions of Seahawks fans sitting in coffee shops sipping (soy?) lattes and watching the game on mute while crappy live music plays in the background and raindrops trickle poignantly down the windowpanes.

    No?

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  24. Just ask the Maj.

    uh...sure. whatever makes you feel less slighted.

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  25. I'm an Eagles fan and I found this funny, unlike all you Pats fans who can't take a fucking joke.

    And using heteronormative? what PC liberal arts college did this woman pay $45,000 a year to attend?

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  26. I call shenangians: PMA isn't considered downtown, it's in Fairmount, and there's no Magritte exhibit there right now.

    Everything else, though...it reads like something lifted straight from board.crewcial.org or Philthy. Terrifying attention to detail, Ape. Could we have we run into each other at Making Time?

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  27. So you read my Missed Connections on Craig's List?

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  28. I'd have gone with Tweegles if you were going to make a Belle & Sebastian reference, the rest is gold though.

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  29. Not that you should give a fuck, but I'm really pleased with how your writing has actually gotten funny.

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