GWEN IFILL (EYE-fuhl) of PBS "fame:" Hello everyone, and welcome to our inaugural edition of The Quarterbacks Debate, an improvisational panel show where we bring in two NFL quarterbacks to discuss current events issues from around the world. I'm your host, Gwen Ifill. And my panel includes two great young quarterbacks from the National Football League. On my left, the Jaguars' David Garrard.
DAVID: Hello, Gwen, thank you for having me.
GWEN: And on my right, the Vikings' Tar-var-is Jackson.
TARVARIS: Sup.
GWEN: Now, David, let me start with you. There have been numerous studies pointing to the climb in obesity among adolescents. Do you feel this is on the verge of an epidemic, or merely a disturbing trend?
DAVID: Well, Gwen, certainly factors such as food choices and exercise are contributing factors here, but I believe that since awareness of the issue has grown, parents and younger people both are taking steps toward preventing obesity.
GWEN: Tavaris? A response?
TARVARIS: Shit, man. What the fuck they be trying to drop on ol' T-Jac, muthafucka? Gott-DAMN! Dem bitches a'int go be sleepin' on dis shit, check this shit out. Dis da troof right here! Muthafuckas ain't comin in hee-uh wit no Gott-damn Brook Ballinjuh! Ain't try to b'lee dat shit. I go slap the white right off yo Gott-damn mouth, you crazy ass uppity sucka bringin dat Uncle Tomboy shit up in this mug. I didn't wanna be on the show.
GWEN: I see. Next topic. Tavar . . . David. Estimates show that over 24 million so-called illegal immigrants are currently in the United States. In your opinion, what's the best policy for dealing with undocumented residents? Is it amnesty?
DAVID: Well, I certainly don't see how we can get--
TARVARIS: Shit, man, I ain't comin up in this ten thousand lakes to be just handin' that shit off, know whut I'm sayin? I came to toss da PAIN! That muthafucker in da coat, he be sayin all this shit like I need ta'be reedin deefenses, man. Now what da fuck is that shit? He don't lemme call no audibles any damn way. Now all deez bitches be talkin bout Adrian Peetuhson. Adrian Peetuhson. Sucka, lemme stick Bobby Wade on yo squad 'n lessee if you can git yo ass a muthafuckin first down, and I ain't foolin', neither.
GWEN: ...Okay. (puts head down while shuffling index cards)
DAVID: So, Tar-var-is, do you think there's life on other planets?
TARVARIS: Shit, man. Gott-damn PO-leese be ridin' my shit DAY AND NIGHT, muthafucka. Man, I just tryin' do mah thang, man, know whut I'm sayin? Dis muthafucka bee poolin' me ova' and he struttin' his turkey cracka ass all up hee-uh, and he be all, "Let me see your identification and insurance." Muthafucka, you KNOW who my ass is! 'Specially when I be ridin' down the Bulla-vard in my game shit, fool. Shit, I'll hand you da PRO-gram on da dash and yew can look my ass up.
GWEN: I'm afraid we're out of time. Please be sure to join us next time...on The Quarterbacks Debate. Good night.
TARVARIS: Nighty night, y'all.
Tavaris is obviously just trying to keep it real.
ReplyDeleteHerbert Kornfeld lives.
ReplyDeleteI never thought it would happen, but I find this offensive.
ReplyDeleteKeeping it real. On the mean streets of Minneapolis.
ReplyDeleteword is born
ReplyDeleteKSK presents "Song of the South"
ReplyDeleteThey's gangsta up in da M-L-P-S. Watch out, fo'.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletewhy wasn't byron invited? i saw the pic of him and peyton just yesterday after the game...
ReplyDeletegott-DAMN. I always wondered how that was spelled.
ReplyDeleteWaiting for the indignant re-appearance of The Big O... three, two, one...
ReplyDeleteI came to toss da PAIN!
ReplyDeleteOutstanding.
Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteWait, this isn't a real transcript?
ReplyDeleteNext up:
ReplyDeleteChad Pennington vs. Big Ben
@BDD - For a moment I thought I was reading Kornfeld's adventures at Midstate Office Supply Company.
So if not throwing picks makes you smart but having an all-world O-Line makes you drop ghetto slang like a pre-Page 2 Jemelle Hill, shouldn't Warren Moon factor somewhere into this discussion somewhere.
ReplyDeletethose guys seem as good at discussing issues as these guys
ReplyDeletehttp://youtube.com/watch?v=rgF5SxGaCzc
Sucka, lemme stick Bobby Wade on yo squad 'n lessee if you can git yo ass a muthafuckin first down, and I ain't foolin', neither.
ReplyDeleteTruth.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"'Specially when I be ridin' down the Bulla-vard in my game shit, fool."
ReplyDeletepictured it... beautiful.
jared lorenzen would have been uncomfortable with the first question.
ReplyDeleteso is this debate what the kids call an "Iffel Tower"?
ReplyDeleteSadly, Tarvaris Jackson's life has many parallels to the song "What Can I Do?" by Ice Cube.
ReplyDeletehow come everyone on telivision pronounces his name Tav-ar-ee-us?
ReplyDeletetelevision, dumbass
ReplyDeleteFor a good time, try reading that in a Will Leitch voice.
ReplyDeleteA couple NFL sophisticants
ReplyDeletehttp://youtube.com/watch?v=t-iel089cEE
Gwen Ifill = Hot.
ReplyDeletemurda- thanks for not making me say it.
ReplyDeletegwen ifill to me is the perfect 'side freak'
smart enough to appreciate the dick, not like some of these pretty chicks who think they're above catching my nuts in their hair
she got her own means, so you know she's not gonna start no shit at no fuckn Red Lobster over who else you been doin'. shit, she ain't even makin' you take her out to eat. it's carry out and eat in
if she is married, you know it's probbly one of those pudding-soft Ivy League punks. don't gotta worry about him
yeah, she got a face kinda like Michael Strahan, but hey, low self-esteem got to have some basis in fact. how else you gonna talk her into paying your bills, providing you with home furnishings, and such shit?
In the words of Herbert Kornfeld "word is bond"!
ReplyDelete'Cism.
ReplyDeleteI felt really uneasy reading this.
"Monday Morning Punter always says things that make me feel special, like: "You're so cool, you're different, you're not like other Black people! - David Garrard
ReplyDelete