Give the Gift of Schmaltz

[Tinkling overlay of Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles"]

[Scene one]

Tony Romo sits in front of a vanity mirror in a room dimly lit by candles. He's wearing an elf's hat. He smiles faintly but with determination. His mind seems distant. He turns to a small TV to his right, sees Peter King reporting from Minnesota. Suddenly wistful, his smile fades to nothing.

Behind Romo, a closet door silently glides open.

"But how, you were -- "

King reveals a small jewelry box, sweeping it over Romo's shoulders to his face. He opens it slowly.

"It's for your cock," King whispers sweetly.

[Scene two]

Willie Parker and a young woman leave a cafe with locked arms. They spy a jewelry store across the street and something in the shop's window catches the woman's eye. Willie darts across oncoming traffic into the store and back out, almost instantaneously.

Willie presents the woman with the box, opens it and drops the ring, which bounds down a sewer drain. The woman looks panicked, but Parker quickly removes an identical ring from the pocket of his leather jacket. He then drops that, too, into the sewer.

Years later, his child suffers massive head injuries.

[Scene three]

Gisele and one of her model friends sit at a kitchen counter marveling at Gisele's ring.

Model: So, were you surprised?

Gisele: He hid it right in the leftover dinner he brought from his other girl's place. I almost cooked it!

Tom Brady discusses the situation with Bill Simmons, who is presently filing Brady's nails.

Tom: Yeah, I was a little nervous. But I know if you give her the ring, she'll give up the butt. Simple as that.

Simmons: Hehhehheh, yeah...'86 Celtics.

Tom: And I was like THANK YOU, Belichick, for recommending Shaw's.

Bill Belichick sits opposite Bob Kraft in a chair in front of a roaring fire.

Belichick: So I told that pretty little faggot to give that beanpole skank some cheap mall shit jewelry. Stupid fucking quarterback.

Kraft: You gotta save that really good shit for Russian presidents.

Kraft shows Belichick a gift ring from Vladamir Putin.

Belichick: Wow. I can't wait to get one of those.

Kraft: What, a ring? You got plenty.

Belichick: No, a husband like Putin!