Wade: Well, I do declare, that was one satisfyin’ win. But my goodness, this is one devil of a short week! I gotta get all this stuff done before those scrappy Jits come on in here tomorrow!
Hmm. You know... I reckon if I can get some of this game plan done NOW, I can leave work early tomorrow! Hoo wee, that’d be the bee’s knees! Hop in the car around 2, beat all the traffic, and be home to help the Mrs. Cook her famous sweet potata pie. Mmmmm, I can smell it comin’ out of the oven now. My, my, my.
Well, no time to waste then! Better get these papers in order…
Hmmm, suddenly I don’t smell sweet potata pie no more. I smell gun powder. And Cool Water! Oh, no…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!! YUMPIN’ YIMMINY YABBITY YOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Wade: Shit.
Jerry: Holy shitballs, Tubby! Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those dirty Redskins from DC! Scalped ‘em like a pilgrim’s child! Woo hoo!!!! Ooooh, I bet that little Danny Boy is still smartin’ over that!
Wade: Sir, I was just in the middle of…
Jerry: …An apple fritter? Shut up and listen, Jurassic Pork. You know what I bet that tiny little sack of shit if we won on Sunday? Do ya?!!
Wade: No.
Jerry: I bet him a weekend house! Ha ha ha! Can you believe that deluded little shit went for that bet? My flabby friend, I am now the proud owner of 300 pristine acres in the Wyoming valley! I got the deed right here! SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED TO THE DOUBLE-J! Yeeeeehaw!!!!
Wade: Wonderful, sir.
Jerry: You know what I’m gonna do with all that land, Shirley? I’m gonna BURN it! Picture it, Jemima: A raging wildfire as far as the eye can see! And poor Danny Boy can’t do shit about it! Then I’m gonna make all our players wear a patch on their uniforms that says, “Hey Danny Boy, your daddy is still dead!” How you like that shit?
Wade: Very exciting, sir. Listen, if you don’t mind. I have to finish up our game plan for the Je…
Jerry: You aren’t finishing up jack shit, Crisco Kid! Hey, I like that! The Crisco Kid! It’s funny because you’re fat and sad! I wanna know why you aren’t taking your etiquette classes with Princeton Boy!
Wade: Sir, we have a very short week. I don’t have time to waste with these silly…
(door opens)
Garrett: Yes, I would imagine such things would seem rather silly to you. Why, I’m surprised you don’t have a napkin tucked into your collar this very moment. Surprised, indeed.
Jerry: Jason, my boy! How are you? I hope you’re ready for Thanksgiving at the ol’ Double-J ranch!
Garrett: Oh, quite. Muffy has prepared a wonderful mince pie for the occasion! And I brought a special Sauterne I thought you and I might share!
Wade: Wait a second. You invited HIM to Thanksgiving and not me?
Jerry: Well of course I did, you big fat shit! I can’t invite you when I have OTHER people there who also need to eat! I’m not lettin’ you turn my house into your own personal Golden Corral!
Garrett: A wise decision, sir.
Wade: It’s not fair!
Jerry: Well, maybe if you took Jason’s etiquette course seriously, you’d have found yourself on the invite list, Queso Dip!
Garrett: Indeed. You could use the training, my good man. Why, just look at my star pupil!
(door opens)
TO: Hello, Mr. Garrett. Hello, Mr. Jones.
Jerry: My God! You are like the goddamn dog whisperer, Garrett!
TO: (holds up croquet mallet) Would you gentlemen care to join me on the lawn for a set?
Wade: He’s faking it! He lit Terence Newman’s shoes on fire just yesterday!
TO: Why, Wade! Whatever dost thou mean, old chap?
Jerry: Looks like you could use some tips from ol’ TO here, Fathead. Since my boy GARRETT has worked with him, he hasn’t caused any trouble. Or sucked any cocks!
TO: (nervous) Yes, yes! No cocks of any sort!
Wade: Fine. I’ll take the goddamn course.
(four hours later)
Garrett: And the salad fork goes on the…?
Wade: On the far left. The dessert fork goes on top.
Garrett: Very nice, Wade!
Jerry: I’ll be damned! It’s like seeing a hog dress up in black tie! You done good, Sergeant Stretch Marks. That’s why I’m going to give you a reward.
Wade: What?
Jerry: You get… A TICKLIN’!!!!
(tickles him)
Wade: (laughing) No! Sir! Hahaha! Please stop!
Jerry: WHAT’S THE PASSWORD, FATTY?
Wade: Iced tea!
Jerry: LOUDER, PIGGY BOY!
Wade: ICED TEA!
Jerry: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Wade: ICED TEA!!!!!
Jerry: YEEHAW!!! WHOOPADEEDOO!!!!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
This thanksgiving I will be giving thanks for Wade and Jerry. Jurassic Pork will now be added to my very limited vocabulary.
ReplyDeleteGood luck burning down 300 acres of land that has already been cleared of all plant life!
ReplyDeleteSergeant Stretch Marks?
ReplyDeleteDrew, did you make a list of 100 of these nicknames before the season started? Fucking brilliant.
Jurassic Pork = awesome.
ReplyDelete+eleventy billion, BDD.
You sir - are a genius.
ReplyDeleteI have no comment, but my WV pretty much says it for me:
ReplyDeletepihjg
Awww, I love a happy ending.
ReplyDeleteIn the last two weeks, ole Wade's been called, among other things, Jurassic Pork, Sergeant Stretch Marks, the Crisco Kid, Florence Tubbingale, Sir Frances Bacon, Mount Foodji, and Chief Nougat. Color me very impressed with the creativity there. But I have to ask - how many different ways were you called fat as a kid BDD?
ReplyDelete"My God! You are like the goddamn dog whisperer, Garrett!"
ReplyDeleteYep. Co-workers heard my reaction to that...
how many different ways were you called fat as a kid BDD?
ReplyDeleteBut my mom said I was sturdy!
Sweet Jesus, I'd been too lazy to sign up but I had to leave a compliment on this one. I almost cracked here at the office.
ReplyDeleteICED TEA!!!!
Poor Wade. He's such a poor little Augustus Gloop out there.
TO: (nervous) Yes, yes! No cocks of any sort!
ReplyDeleteSo THAT's how he knew Garcia was gay! His cock tasted like shit!
your own personal Golden Corral!
ReplyDeleteWe also would have accepted "Country Buffet".
Seriously, BDD, you've got a damn 5-Star filled with these nicknames, right?
Drew's mom had to shop for him in the "Husky" section at J.C. Penney.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with the husky section, baby, just means your still a little short for your weight.
ReplyDeleteDrew's mom had to shop for him in the "Husky" section at J.C. Penney.
ReplyDeleteNothing more embarrassing than your mother asking you as a child, "Does it have enough room in the crotch?"
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYEEHAW!!! WHOOPADEEDOO!!!!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis has actually become a greeting/exit line between me and some buddies. We have serioius probs.
My WV: ftoou u too buddy!
Had to give myself the Heimlich manuever I laughed so goddamned hard. Drew, you sir should be knighted for this brilliance.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait for them to play on T/G and see JJ pacing the sidelines looking at Wade. I am going to bustout in from of the family and they'll finally realize that I too am YEEHAW!!! WHOOPADEEDOO!!!!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy T/G everyone.
wv - aosbahg
Will the Cowboys/Jets game be the fattest coaching matchup since, well, Mark Mangino and anybody?
ReplyDeleteScalped ‘em like a pilgrim’s child!
ReplyDeleteKudos to infinity, Drew, for combining a wholesome Thanksgiving caricature within a racial stereotype within the verbal imagery of a child being viciously assaulted. Bravo!
Waiting for the inevitable Kansas (Mangino) vrs. Maryland (Friedgen) matchup. I imagine the richter scale is afraid of that matchup.
ReplyDeleteWade and Jerry is the best sitcom not on television.
ReplyDeleteturn my house into into your own personal golden corral.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy I put the beer down before I read that.
AAAAAHH! Why the fuck do you people keep posting that horrible picture of Jason Garrett? I think I'm sterile now.
ReplyDeleteI'm a diehard Cowboys fan, but I'll be damned if this isn't my favorite weekly article.
ReplyDeleteJurassic Pork ... I'd read this every week just for the nicknames.