The KSK 2006 NFL Kickoff Bukkake

Good morning, this is Christmas Ape live from Pittsburgh n'at, where the defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are readying themselves to square off against the Miami Pound Machine. A confidential source has told me that Ben Roethlisberger is physically able to play today following his emergency surgery Sunday, but the Steelers are still leaving him out, by dint of an agreement they reached with the Dolphins that Ben would not play so long as Daunte Culpepper does not do the reverse cabbage patch sea cruise row celebration he so loves.

Nick Saban, in a move to counteract the forbidding Pittsburgh crowd, is asking the six Dolphins fans in attendance to join him in wearing the ugliest teal blazer or collared shirt they can find. As anyone from southern Florida knows, they might have trouble narrowing it down to one.

All preseason long, people have been asking what is in the vial quarterback Charlie Batch has been wearing around his neck. Today, he finally revealed to me that it contains blood he collected from the Roethlisberger crash site as he sped to the hospital to be the first by Ben's side. Batch concedes it's a little unusual, but he said he has always drawn strength from what he calls the starter's "measty juices."